A short one for Special Dark

I've been told by Special Dark -- my Jamaican-American friend -- that my posts are too long to read. He said he looks at my blog and if it's more than a screen long, he just closes his browser. Keep in mind that this is the guy who, when I asked him how he ended up buying a new turbo-charged car that gets 20 miles to a gallon when he really wanted something that was fuel efficient, replied, "I fall ass-backwards into shit. That's how I roll." So needless to say, I don't take it personally.

That quote is pure poetry, and if you knew SD, you would have to agree that it sums him up so perfectly and completely that it is impossible to add anything at all to that statement to make it better or more accurate.

Since Friday's post took a lot out of me, I'm gonna coast down easy street this evening. So with that in mind, I present you with:

More Unbelievable Google Searches That Inexplicably Led People To My Blog

monistat soothing cream as a primer - I'm pretty sure this wouldn't work. Also, what the hell were you thinking of using for paint? Preparation H? And I don't want to know anything at all about your choice in brushes.

kotex flooring - It's soft, it's absorbent, and it's a fantastic insulator. What more could you ask for in a flooring material? As an added bonus, it already has adhesive on one side, so application is quick and easy!

how do you tell how fast he was going by skidmark? - A difficult question. It's much easier to tell with tightie-whities since they don't bunch up as much, but as a general rule, for every quarter-inch of width, add 20mph, and for every half-inch of length add 10mph to the posted limit. This equation will give you the approximate speed he was going when he lost control of the car and shat himself.

quizes to see if your dum - Um, yeah. You probably don't really need a quiz. Save yourself some time and just believe what people are telling you.


  1. awesome... I'm with special D I look to see how long the post is and close my browser thinking I will get back to it when I have time but I never do


  3. I had the reverse of SD's problem... I meant to buy a nifty little sporty number with twin exhausts and the sort of acceleration which makes most NASA orbital vehicles look asthmatic, but ended up with a big-arsed diesel old-git car with enough space for fourteen squabbling children and a couple of Great Danes. Go figure.

  4. JV, SD and I went to lunch the other day, and he told me his quote to you and was crossing his fingers it would show up in a (short) post for him to read this week. Well done! SD, you're a superstar, and no I won't make out with you.

    By the way, I read all of your posts because you are a genius.

  5. Anonymous11:42 AM

    That last one....omg...killed me

  6. Yeah, the last one is a classic.

    I'm guessing SD is the guy who used to have a Maxima that he had "upgraded" in an unlicensed mechanic shop in Albany, which dealt with items of shady origin?

    He also won't read emails longer than a paragraph, so I'm not surprised about the blog entry length thing. Hey, he's a busy guy.

  7. Anonymous1:06 PM

    I am losing it, Great post. Mostly because it had me in it. We all know succinctness is not one of your stronger attribute(s).

    Shamus, nothing wrong with try to get a hookup (smile).

    I loved those seats until it started to smell like the Hudson River during the summer.


  8. Well JV ... I have no room to talk about long posts though lately I've tried really hard to keep mine down some too.

    My favorite here is the kotex floor. Look, if they can use tampons to stop a leak in a rowboat (one of my least favorite commercials), why not lay a floor with pads?

    Long ... short ... I'll still read. With all due respect and shit, maybe SD has post-length-envy? Just a thought. :)

  9. Chuckle, my posts are too long too. Yours are always worth it.


  10. Who you callin' Chuckle, bitch?

    You want a piece of me?

    DO YA?

  11. Anonymous5:24 PM

    I don't mind long posts, in fact, as with most things in life, it's not about the quantity, it's about the quality.
    Your writing never disappoints. Two things tonight made me laugh out loud. First, your comments about speed, skidmarks, and length. Then my teenage son, hearing me snurking at the computer, said 'careful, mum, you've got to make the nest before you lay the egg!" And I love the fact that you call your "token" black friend Special Dark. It makes him sound like a character from a Tarantino film... or a really nice beer.

  12. Actually the story behind that one is there was a Hershey candy bar called Special Dark. There was also a Nestles Krackle Bar. Somebody (Shop Dung, I think) mocked up a CD cover of his and SD's first hardcore rap album...and he modified the Krackle logo to read KrackER. I wish I still had it, because it was hilarious. But for some reason, the Special Dark nickname stuck. I think he even refers to himself as SD in the third person now.

  13. ::;waves to SD::::

    I miss him even though he used to eat bubblegum from the container on my desk by the HANDFULS... how are your dental bills, dude?

    PS: did you ever notice that if you flub the first word verification they give you one in a nice easy font to read?

  14. JV, I may or may not have Special Dark and Kracker's hardcore rap album cover picture on my computer. I'll email it to you tomorrow.

  15. That second last one had me curled up on the floor gasping for lack of breath due to a laughing fit...

  16. 20 MPG IS good mileage...