Google is your friend this week.

It turns out that less blog traffic means that my search engine hits have gotten interesting again.  I checked them for the first time in a long while, and I decided that they were too good not to share with you.  As always, I am continually amazed by the things people type into Google, especially given all the recent NSA hubbub.  That's why I always use duck duck go, no matter what I happen to be searching for.  Unless it's disturbing pictures for you guys. Then I use Google, so I might be going away for a while.

These people below, however, have no qualms about typing whatever comes into their pretty little heads. And for that, I thank them.  So once again, back in the U.S. after a very successful tour of Japan, I'm proud to bring you the musical stylings of:

Fantastic Google Searches that Somehow Led People to my Site

How hotel keep lizard away? - HULK HAVE QUESTIONS. HULK NO WANT LIZARD RUIN HULK VACATION!  HULK LIKE ROOM SERVICE AND FLUFFY ROBE, TOO!   Well, as a puny human, I can answer this because it's an easy one.  While we all know Marriott can't afford to have your friendly neighborhood Spiderman on staff, and since there's only one of him anyway,  they operate on the same principle as Santa and his "helpers."  So in your particular case, Mr. The Hulk, this guy is outside standing guard.  Luckily, The Lizard is kind of nearsighted.   So there's your answer.  Also, don't believe them when they tell you that movie title won't show up on your bill.

wedgie theory of interrogation - Based upon my success using this method on Houdini when we were kids, I can say with complete authority that it will definitely work if your goal is to get someone to tell you where they hid your transistor radio.

what do fancy bathroom have in it? -  Oh, you poor, poor bastard.  I pity you and your common nether-regions.  If I'm understanding you correctly, you're saying that since the moment you were first potty trained, you've been forced to perform the act of waste elimination using a regular bathroom?  I'm really sorry.  It goes against my nature to rub something like this in, but let me tell you what you've been missing.  When you have the Electro-Sluice 7000BM installed like I do, your toilet will anticipate your every wish. You simply drop your pants to your ankles and the padded stimu-seat will silently rise up behind you and (using IR sensors) measure the temperature of your ass and automatically adjust itself to 10 degrees above your body temperature in the winter, and 2 degrees below your body temperature in the summer.  All programmable, of course. Then it will ease you back gently until you are at a comfortable pre-set angle that promotes relaxation, as the ambient sounds of Brian Eno's Music for Airports (or other music of your choice) is piped into the bathroom in DTS 7.1 surround sound.  Then the lights dim, the gentle and nearly silent fan will start up, circulating the scent of fresh, night-blooming jasmine - not too much - and at that point you are free to begin the elimination process.  A patented vacuum system handles both liquid and solid waste at the same time, so you can really just let it all go without any concerns at all.  With the Electro-Sluice 7000BM, your only responsibility is to relax your sphincter as both your worries and your waste float away like gossamer silk on a warm bay breeze.  And that's not all.  After you're done, the Electro-Sluice 7000BM will lovingly clean your private parts with 37 discrete fine mist rosewater jets, and pat you dry with freshly warmed cashmere towels from 4 different auto-adjustable angles.  So that's what fancy bathroom have in it.  And no, you can't try mine.  Just go take a dump in your shitty American Standard white ceramic bowl with the rest of the unwashed masses.

can you drink on lunch while working at Lowes? - Based on my experiences in that store, I would say the answer is "Fuck, yes."

can I spend my vacation hanging out? -  Sure you can!  In fact,  I've done this, and it's very pleasant.  Just remember two very important things.  (1) zip up before you go out in public, and (2) sunscreen is very important.

if the vet expressed her anal sac, should she feel better instantly?  - This isn't common knowledge, so I'm impressed by your question.  Not many people know that most vets have anal sacs that need to be expressed regularly.  The answer to your question is yes, your vet will feel better almost immediately, but you don't want to be in the room when she's doing it.  It involves contortions and hand-held mirrors, and it's quite disturbing to watch.

brown cloth-like stuff coming out of your pee hole - This one just made me cross my legs instantly, however I'm all about helping people.  So:  If you have BURLAP COMING OUT OF YOUR PEE HOLE you need to immediately get the hell off the Internet and GO SEE A PEE HOLE DOCTOR ASAP!  Go. Now.  Before whatever garment is coming out of your peehole gets to the buttons or the zippers.

do men orgasm out of the same hole they pee out of - Our educational system at work, ladies and gentlemen.  

gay teens drenched in water from cows anus - This is a very specific search, and I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to help you with anything except perhaps the water. I have no access to gay teens, nor do I happen to have a cow's anus handy.  Although I'm sure that for a reasonable fee, I could -- no.  I've said too much.

how to make fast zombies climb - First of all, fast zombies are not your bitch.  You don't make them do anything.  From all available evidence, the overriding requirements necessary to persuade fast zombies to climb is for you to (1) have live brains,  and (2) be on something high. They will handle the climbing part all by themselves.

tiny ass tongs -- I'm sure I can help you, but first we have to clear up your lack of punctuation.  Are you looking for tiny-ass tongs, which can be used to grab all manner of tiny things, asses included, or are you looking for tiny ass-tongs, which serve the one particular purpose of grabbing a tiny ass and nothing else?  My opinion is to go with the first one, because they're much more versatile.  You don't see too many tiny asses these days, so at least if you have the first one, you can use it to pick the raisins out of your raisin bran or something if there are no tiny asses within reach.  On the other hand, if you get the tiny ass-tongs, they will spend the majority of their time stuffed in the back of the kitchen junk drawer, and even if you see a tiny ass you want to use them on, you'll never get to them in time. There's way too much shit in that drawer and you really should clean it out.

wording to get friend to go to lunch -- I've had much success with "Hey, do you feel like going to lunch?"  If you've been saying something like "Feel, Lunch do hey to like going?" then I suggest you try my wording instead because I think you'll have better luck.

do people like to be forced to wear a butt plug in public -- My guess would be no, and I'm thinking they probably don't like to be forced to wear a butt plug in private, either. And as an aside, what's up with all you butt-pluggers?  Can't you think of a better way to spend your free time?  Jesus.

how does a door knob work? - Damn dogs.  They're always on the Internet when nobody's home.  That's why I hate them.

i force my old granny to turn her butthole to me stories -- I'm not positive how to help you, but I will try.  I am pretty sure there are no such stories published, however, that being said, it's conceivable that there could be an untapped market for granny-turning butthole tales of some sort and you could be the first author to bring such tales to the masses.  Maybe even different genres.  Westerns, Sci-Fi, Tales of Mystery and Suspense, you name it.   Something like this, perhaps.

So this could be your big chance.  Hell, if that 50 shades of Grey piece of shit can make a trillion dollars, the world should be your oyster.  Pick up a pen and go for it.  Cut your granny in for a piece of the action though. It's only fair.

ah me big labia  -- I have to say, this one caught me entirely by surprise.  I had no idea the Lucky Charms leprechaun had a sex-change operation.  I wish him luck.  And Lucky, if you're reading this, good choice on the XL labia, by the way.  I'd lose the heels though -- at least until you learn to walk in them. You look ridiculous.

So that's it, all my best searches this week. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did.

Also, on a completely unrelated topic, this little shit needs a good beat down.


Fly me to the moon.

The other day I woke up at my normal and customary and totally insane time of 4:15 to get ready for my lovely commute, and as I usually do, I sat down for a second and checked my e-mail.  I saw a new e-mail from a friend of mine and the subject was simply "Good Morning."   It was just a link, but it's one I think everyone needs to see because it's very important.

You can view it here.  Go ahead, I'll wait.

See, this is why I don't travel.  OK, I've been to Mexico and the Caribbean, and granted, they have bugs there that can kill you, (Chagas, anyone? No? Malaria? No? You're good? You sure?) but this is pure grossness.

First of all,  how fast can that thing crank out eggs?   It was in this woman's ear for a split second and it had time to sit around and lay eggs?  I guess it stands to reason since it's called the "New World Army Screw Worm Fly." Not only does that sound like something that could lay a dozen eggs in a half a second with crack precision, but it also sounds like something that should be carrying a teeny tiny M-16 and a wearing a beret as it flies into battle.

Another question:  Was she drunk off her ass the whole time?  How the hell do you not know that there's something eating the inside of your head the second it starts?

I can only assume that the maggots were all crapping their little maggoty hearts out in there too, which is even worse. First you get eaten, then you get crapped on, and in a cruel twist of fate, the crap is made of you.  It's the ultimate indignity.  I gotta say, if it had been me, the second those eggs hatched and I heard something that sounded like someone eating tiny Doritos inside my head, I'd have been at my fucking ear with a screwdriver and a blowtorch.  I've had a ladybug in my ear before and even that sounded as big as a John Deere tractor inside my head while it was crawling around looking for the way out. I practically ruptured my eardrum with a turkey baster trying to get it out.

And can you believe someone with a medical diploma on their wall said, "Before we do anything else, let's fill your ear with olive oil."  Yeah, that sounds like it'll work.  Why not throw in some croutons and a little vinegar and make a salad? Jesus. And what if it actually DID work? Then you've got an ear burrow full of dead maggots, which can only cause a major case of ear odor and attract more flies. Bad decisions all around.

(As an aside, I'd like to say that I've never had maggots in my ear, but I've had them in my Milky Way bar.  I discovered it after I had eaten one of those "fun size" bars and then found 2 maggots in the wrapper.  In retrospect I thought it had tasted a little funny, but I just figured it was old.)

We have deer flies up here, and the season lasts about a month.  When the humidity is high, you can't go outside without being instantly swarmed by these little bastards, and they bite like Mike Tyson. I was told once that this particular type of fly will actually lay eggs in a deer's nostrils and the maggots will hatch and eat the deer's brain, but I have no idea if that's true or not.*

But there is a solution, and I just found out about it recently.  I was walking down the street a while ago, swatting madly at the swarm of deer flies around my head when I walked past a neighbor's house and he saw me.  He came out and asked me if I ever heard of TredNots.  I said no, and he proceeded to give me a packet of them.  Basically, they are flytraps for your head.  You slap one on the back of your baseball cap, and in no time at all, you look like this:

Which is disgusting, but that's not even the half of it, because what you can't see in the picture is the incessant buzzing that a dozen flies can make when their legs are stuck and their wings aren't.  Eventually everything will simmer down and their wings will get stuck too, but until that happens you feel like you're infested.  (Also: Why the hell don't movie zombies ever have flies?  You'd think that would be a given.)  Anyway, when you're doing work around the house or the farm or whatever, these things are a lifesaver.  His wife (and mine) both hate them, but they get bit and we don't so we win.

I have a couple of tips for you though -- One, don't forget you're wearing it and then go to say, Home Depot and wonder why everyone is looking at you and gagging.  Two, don't sit down in a rocking chair to relax for a few minutes and put your hands behind your head.   You will regret both these things.

I know this for a fact.

* I tried looking it up but ended up at Yahoo Answers, which should really be called Yahoo Stupid Answers by Idiots because I've never seen a valid answer there, ever.  The best answer to "Can a fly lay eggs in your nose so that maggots eat your brain?" was "Flies lay eggs in poop, and even if it did, the babies could never crawl into your brain."  So that's good to know.  I would totally let flies into my nose without fear after reading that sage advice.