12/18/05

This could be a weekly thing, baby.

Sometimes, the humor creates itself. Sitemeter hasn't been letting me down in the google/msn searches that end up hitting my blog, so I've decided that I'm going to try to post the funniest ones on a weekly basis. Without further ado, I present:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Pointed People To My Site

people dump stanky garbage bags on me - See, the problem with this search is that it needs to be qualified. Do you want people to start doing this, or stop doing this? You need to add either "How to stop" or "How to get" to the front of this search in order to really find what you need. Otherwise, you'll end up at my site. Not because I offer either one of these services, although for the right price, it can be arranged. If you're just walking down the street and random strangers keep dumping stanky bags of garbage on you, that is seriously effed up. Maybe it's your attitude. Try smiling more.

bigfoot things for sale - Again, too non-specific. Let's assume that you are looking for bigfoot-related merchandise. That's all well and good. However, are you looking to buy stuff that Sasquatch no longer needs, or are you looking for monster truck parts? Because truthfully, I don't think Sasquatch has much in the way of material possessions. Just a guess.

how to make a cat puke - Oddly enough, they pretty much do this on their own. All the time, in fact. Go look for your cat. In the time it took you to type in this search and get results, I'm sure he's puked somewhere. Check stuff with velcro, or stuff that cost you a lot of money. In my experience, they love to puke on both those things.

why do teenage girls appeal to older men? - Why indeed. First off, this was obviously not typed by an older man. If you're an older man, you already know. I am willing to bet that this was typed by older man's older wife, because older man got caught looking at that nubile young 19- year-old blonde in the shorty tee-shirt and low-rider jeans they passed at the mall on their way to CVS. Now let me share some insights and thoughts on this topic with you, older man's wife. Teenage girls appeal to older men because (1) they're freakin' HOT, and also because (2) they're not you. If you've let yourself go and become twice the woman you were when you got married, you might want to work on that. And stop with the nagging already.

staggering drunk loser husband - This one was also not typed by an older man. Or any man, for that matter. I am assuming here that you already know this about your husband. So, as before, you need to be more specific. Try adding one of the following phrases to the beginning:

(1) how do I kill my
(2) how do I sober up my
(3) how do I get a teenage girl for my

free camel's foot pics - There's two possibilities here. One, you're actually looking for camel toe. Toe. T.O.E. Not foot, for chrissake. The other, somehow scarier possibility is that you knew exactly what you were searching for. If that were the case, I can't even imagine what sort of lame fetishist websites you got with that search. I hope you learned your lesson. Next time don't be so cheap. For high-quality camel foot pics, you need to pay. Don't ask me how I know.

what's all the hype about anal sex? - Call me out of touch, but I was unaware of said hype. This search cracked me up mostly because of the way it's phrased. It sounds like something said in a casual conversation while standing in line at the supermarket. "Marie! Hi! How's Bill? The kids? Jeannie starts college soon, doesn't she? Hey, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. What's all the hype about anal sex?"

Johnny's room of sex - "Ma'am, did you sign in? Great, thanks. Now, just head on down the hall, and when you get to the end, take a left. Just look for the door with the love beads hanging in front of it. That's the one you want. Listen for Lifehouse's CD, No Name Face. The door should be open. Just head right on in. If you hear Barry White, you've gone too far. That room belongs to Special Dark. Take my advice and don't go in there. You'll just end up pregnant. No, seriously. I've heard he doesn't even have to touch you for it to happen. OK, have fun! See you in 5!"

drag addicted people of bangladesh - Ah, those Bangladeshians. Can't get enough of the transvestites. It's a national problem, but I don't think they're going to be able to solve it. That whole "War on Drags" program is a total joke.

no sorry its not peanutbutter jelly time, its nap time and u won't be needing that baseball bat -
The oddest things about this one are: (1) that they typed it in at all, and (2) that my blog is the top hit.

7 comments:

  1. People search for some weird stuff... I don't know you, but I, too, have had some random search queries. No fewer than 7 people have found my site looking for "teradactyl sightings." Maybe they haven't gotten the memo about the dinosaurs?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah the free camel's foot pics search was me...sorry. I should have known it would lead right back to 15ML.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This should be a regular blog feature.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Duh. I missed the opening where you said this would be weekly.

    ReplyDelete
  5. In my last 20 visits I had 3 google searches for that damn Italian donkey, and one search for "Carly fudge". That one kinda scares me.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The last is easily the best. I actually searched that to double check. I was floored.

    Ever since I changed my blog title, I've been getting WAAAAAY less hits.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I never get as interesting of searches, but then your writting is way more imaginative than mine!

    I think my most interesting one was someone looking for Buggs Bunny smoking weed.

    ReplyDelete