So it's lunchtime on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and as I eat my burger, I'm thumbing through the Reader's Digest magazine that comes to my house every month (courtesy of my wife's grandparents). A naked woman catches my eye.
Technically, all the naughty bits are covered up with a hand-lettered sign, and it's really only the bottom half of a naked woman, but she has long legs and a nice shape, which is why I noticed the ad to begin with. The sign she's holding in front of her mid-section says "Is there a worse feeling than not feeling like yourself?"
I am intrigued, because I can instantly think of roughly two thousand three hundred things that would feel worse than not feeling like myself. A compound fracture of the tibia, being set on fire, a pitching machine firing baseballs at my exposed ass....I mean, really, I could go on forever. "Not feeling like myself" doesn't even make the top 1500.
So I start reading the fine print. ( I really have to stop reading the fine print. It's fine for a reason, and that reason is because I am not supposed to read it.) Anyway, against my better judgment, I read it. I figure it has to do with tampons, or itching, or chafing, or something I really don't need or want to know about, but it's like a car accident, you can't not look. Besides, I'm all about learning something new, so I continue.
Turns out, it has to do with the relative pH levels of the vagina. Goddammit, the things I learn while I'm eating boggle my mind.
For starters, I didn't know you had to check the pH levels in one of those things. I had no idea that it was such a precision-tuned, high-maintenance apparatus.
I mean, a hot tub or a swimming pool, yeah -- I can see checking the pH levels there. If the pH is off in a hot tub, for instance, the steam from the water will burn your eyes and make you cough. That's bad, and it's a clear sign that you need to add some baking soda. That being said, I've never dated anyone who had a crotch that burned my eyes and made me cough, and I am extremely thankful for that.
Again, I can't leave well enough alone, so off I go, looking for a picture, and some more details. I hit up Amazon.com, because they generally have the best pictures to steal. So here's the stuff, in all its balanced glory:
Amazon.com doesn't let me down, and the product description is chock full of information. In addition to eliminating odor for up to three days, this stuff apparently contains what they refer to as "a patented bio-adhesive polymer."
Now, I can easily get behind the odor thing, since nobody wants a stanky crotch, but if I were a woman, that second one would concern me a little. There is no way I would buy something that makes it sound like I could quite possibly be pumping myself full of Liquid Nails construction adhesive.
Also in the fine print: "Keep out of eyes and ears." I have to say, that warning seemed a little odd to me, because that's not really the first place I would target with the old applicator if my vagina was burning holes in my underwear. Probably not even the 4th or 5th place, truth be told.
The other odd thing: Amazon will only ship this product to addresses in the U.S. I guess complete pandemonium would break out if just anyone in the world was allowed to have a fresh-smelling vagina.
I don't know. I'm no crotch mechanic, although if you read my blog regularly you'd think I was training for a new career or something. It's nothing like that, really.
Someone just needs to teach me to skip the fine print and leave well enough alone. Then I'll be fine.