...and gave her mother fifty wax

On my way to work Friday, I noticed this ominous warning on the big sign outside of the local firehouse:


Holy shit, I had no idea. I was worried about this all day because my house is full of those things, and I certainly wasn't there attending to them.

I wanted to stop in and ask more questions, but I didn't have time because I was running late. Specifically, I was wondering if it was just a certain type of candle that was dangerous, or all of them.

Now I'm sitting here alone with my back against the wall at 2:30 in the morning, kicking myself because I don't have any answers, and I think my candles are pretty pissed.

Most of the ones I have around the house are small, votive-type candles. Unless they lodge themselves in my esophogus in the middle of the night while I am asleep, I'm pretty sure I can kick their scented little asses if they get out of hand.

That being said, there are a few tapers skulking around. They don't have much meat on their wick, but they worry me because they're sharp and streamlined, and look like they can move pretty fast. Plus, I'd never see those dark green ones coming. They are the ninjas of the candle world.

There's a big ugly red one in the living room that looks like a 4-inch high pile of raw ground beef patties. I have no idea why the hell my wife bought it. It's truly the ugliest candle I've ever seen. So far it hasn't done much, but I'm keeping a close eye on it anyway.

This bastard is the one I'm really worried about:

It looks all friendly and normal until you turn out the light. I got suspicious, so I pulled out the night-vision scope to see what it was up to:

Why the hell does my wife even buy these things?

Jesus, I think it just moved.

I'm definitely sleeping with the bedroom door locked tonight.



  1. Locking the door will only give you a false sense of security.

    If those candles really do possess ninja skills, there's not much you can do, really.

    It was nice knowing you =/

  2. dammit man. Now I've got to go out to the garage and get the propane torch.

  3. Anonymous6:31 AM

    I hope your wife knows what a puss you are when she is away.

    :) :) :)

  4. i decided to post here for 2 reasons.

    1. i must confess i've been reading this and partly feeling sad for you and partly laughing my ass off.

    2. i think you should write a book when ever you might have time. i'd get some american fellow to buy it for me and ship it here. or come pick it up personally. either way, write a book.

    great, thanks.

  5. AG - She knows.

    Jneia, don't feel sad for me. It's just the way my mind works. I've gotten used to it.

  6. i was mainly sad because of the unfortunate incidents flying your way... like the incident with the... feces... and the car thing... aww.

    maybe i should get out more?

  7. that's it. i'm buying Depends.