3/5/06

Searching for Oscar

I'm sitting here half listening to the Oscars, and reviewing my favorite searches for this week. Neither seems to be very captivating or funny, but it could just be me. I guess we'll see.

Once again, it's time for:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site

I often get an erection when drive wheels start to spin, why? -- Because drive wheels are incredibly sexy, and most men can't resist them when they start to spin. So your reaction is perfectly normal. No, I'm kidding. The actual answer is "because you are fucked up, that's why."

sportsman's hernia - I'm not exactly sure how this differs from a normal hernia, unless it has something to do with the activity that caused it. I'm figuring that if you get one moving the fridge to reach the dead chipmunk that wasn't completely dead when your cat dragged it in but is now, that's just a hernia. If you're hauling 500 lbs of grizzly bear meat out of the woods after killing it with your knife, and part of your small intestine is hanging out because the bear got a lucky swipe in just as you were finishing him off, that's a sportsman's hernia.

what do naked women look like? - Welcome, innocent child, to the internet. A wondrous world awaits you, and is in fact only a single click away. Before you click that mouse, however, I have some very important information to share. Here's a little tip from your uncle Johnny - You will not go blind, and you will not grow hair on your palms. Oh yes, and girls do it too. You can thank me later.

what is the scientific reason that mayonaisse gets gum out of hair? - It's quite interesting, actually. While in the same chemical family as mayonnaise, mayonaisse is much more caustic, and can easily and quickly break down the synthetic latex that is the major component of chewing gum. In fact, until it was pulled from the market by the FDA, mayonaisse was the cause of many horrific and unnecessary deaths in the 20's and 30's because people were spreading it on their sandwiches by mistake. That's why I always go with the mustard. You never know when a typo could do you in.

what's bugging gilbert grape? - The fact that you fucked up the title of his movie, that's what. Actually this is the lesser known, straight-to-video version starring Barbara Streisand as Leo Dicaprio, and Bob Saget as Johnny Depp.

monistat 3-day, WHEN to RESUME oral sex - If you mean giving, then you're good to go. If you mean getting, then the only possible answer is day four, or whenever the infect -- GAH! The answer is NEVER, EVER AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU AND YOUR RANK, DOUGH-INFESTED CROTCH ARE ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH. Wait, maybe that was too harsh.

I'll admit that I was too afraid to fold my body into a box, ring your doorbell, and let the words "Take ME" spill from my lungs because everything else were really just ideas I wished -- Your problems here are many, not the least of which is your complete lack of knowledge regarding how to use a search engine. As to your other problem - First, you can't expect to fold your body into a box, and THEN ring the doorbell, because you won't be able to reach it. What you have to do is ring the doorbell and then quickly fold your body into a box. I have to say that I have serious doubts about this whole strategy, regardless of the order performed. If I answered my door and there was a box there and someone inside was screaming "Take ME!" I would wonder if the person inside meant "to the post office," or "out of the box," or "to your leader." Regardless, you're probably getting kicked off the porch.

instructions how to suck a penis and swallow - Now I'm no expert, never having actually done this, but I did a little research on the internet and the basic instructions seem to be:

(1) Suck penis.
(2) Swallow.

5 comments:

  1. I worry that I live next door to these people.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Searches 3, 6, and 8 really should get together. I think they would have a great time, or at least an educational one.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Search #1 was actually me and I was pleasantly surprised to end up on your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  4. www.searchingforoscar.com eh?

    ReplyDelete