7/20/09

Pink and Grey Butterflies.

Since I haven't had time to write a proper blog entry what with all the roofing woes I'm having, I decided to let Site Meter have at it. I will apologize in advance for the subject matter, but I am not the one who is frantically clicking on random sites for answers to perverted questions. That you know of. That being said, here's another edition of :

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site

do porn stars eject stuff into their penis to make it bigger? - I assume you meant inject stuff, because really, ejecting stuff has the completely opposite effect. To answer your intended question instead of the one you actually asked, in this age of anus and scrotum bleaching, I wouldn't doubt it, but I am guessing probably not. I think most of them are simply born with huge cranks and decide the porn industry is their ticket to ride. And ride and ride and ride.

They always give me too much time to get undressed at the doctor's office. I can't decide if that means my doctor is just slow or if I'm a slut - I figure this line is from someone's stand-up routine, but I thought it was funny enough to include in its own right. You slut.

spraying piss all over the place when I go to the bathroom - I have two suggestions for you, depending upon your situation. One, try to remember to take your thumb off the end. If that doesn't do it, I suggest you go get it checked out by a doctor because that shit ain't right, and I don't want you pissing in/on/behind/in front of my urinal.

sweaty pussy vs. sweaty balls - This just sounds like a cage-match waiting to happen. I can see the event poster now. I'm really not sure what the fight would be about, because generally they both end up in that condition if you're doing it correctly. Maybe if there were a large purse involved and some decent odds, I'd place my bet on the SP, but really it could go either way.

my driveway look like a parking lot i got the bitch riding my dick with no shocks keep talkin and ima make the soda pop we always strapped when we hit the club - I actually checked this one to see why someone would click on a link to my blog based on the results. Turns out, my blog is the number one result for this search:



In fact, I'd go so far as to say that what Google displayed could be used as the second verse. Great. Now I have visions of Xzibit making millions by typing random strings of words into Google and cruising the search results slapping together dope rhymes. Yeah, I know. I'm way too white to say things like "dope rhymes." And "Xzibit.*"

homosexual rectum - I know you keep trying to change its ways. You beg, you plead, you make threats -- all to no avail. You're straight, but your rectum isn't. My advice to you would be to take baby steps -- start by keeping your rectum away from penises, and work your way up from there.

my butt feels sticky - see aforementioned advice.

booze cruise clothing optional - Wait. Aren't all booze cruises clothing optional if there is enough booze? It always seemed that way to me. Maybe that's why I'm not allowed on them anymore.

zombies triathlon backpacks - What a great idea! Come to think of it, those fast zombies in the 28 Days movies could really have used backpacks. They would have come in handy for all the spare entrails and what not. I'm not sure about the triathlon bit, however. I doubt you could pull it together since Zombies seem pretty disorganized as a general rule.

due sex pee pee online - I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're looking for, my friend. I do not believe the great and all-seeing Google knows either, since it sent you to my humble blog. Either someone owes someone else a virtual golden shower, or you are confusing your homonyms. Good luck and godspeed. I hope you get your due/do.

why does my cat's butt squirt out nasty stuff? - I think most of your problem stems from the fact that butts and nasty stuff go together like chocolate and, no wait - bad example. They go together. Let's just leave it at that. As for the "squirting" part -- I would check to see what you are putting in the other end of the cat and maybe modify it. Garbage in, garbage out and all that.

what happened to the dust floating on the water when the drop of soap was added - Welcome to my blog, you lazy piece. Here's an idea -- stop looking up your homework assignments on the internet and oh, I don't know....maybe just do them. Even though the world wide web can seem like the Cliff Notes of the Universe, sometimes you just have to do shit for yourself to really appreciate and understand it. Like sex, for example. It's the same idea, except the dust won't be disappointed with your little drop of soap and eventually tell you that it might be time to see other experiments.

what does it mean if a girl put a pink and grey butterfly on her door for a guy - You got me on this one. However, I am clearly no expert. Here is the total list of things I've had a girl put on her door for me:

(1) A different lock.





*which sounds like a card game Captain Kirk made up.

23 comments:

  1. ha! you said due do!

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  2. You had me at zombie backpacks.

    Seriously, I am laughing so hard I can't breathe. Thanks for that. :)

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  3. I feel like an idiot for laughing randomly, out of nowhere, over and over. Whew, good thing no one can see me. The tears stains on the front of my shirt would have given me away!

    This is one of your finest posts ever. Bravo, sir. Bravo!

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  4. I freakin love it. I recently put Sitemeter on my blog, and it turns out a lot of people wanna know what "impry" means. I'm loving the traffic!

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  5. First off, I checked out your roofing problems blog... and holy shit. What a mess, dude.

    Secondly... well, I guess "holy shit" applies here, too. There are way too many strange people out there.

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  6. p jane9:33 AM

    Awesome. Coworker accosted me upon arrival this morning, saying, "OMG, you've got to read 15 Minute Lunch guy!" (I had sent her the JCP link last year.) Please understand the last time CW was this animated there was a huge stinging insect flying around our cubes and she was trying to run away from it. Dude, you've made the unexcitable EXCITED about something!

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  7. Anonymous9:38 AM

    Laughing like a fool at work!
    SUE THE CONTRACTOR!!! RIGHT NOW-Don't WAIT. Tracey

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  8. Awesome..still giggling

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  9. very funny. thanks!

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  10. I'm with ZenMom - they're all funny (lazy would be not editing for the good ones, and/or not commenting, so lazy you aren't), but I'm loving the "zombie backpack" - and triathalon no less. Do they fall apart in the water when swimming? Or during any time of the race? I think they should get points for making it to the end with fewest limbs and stuff. (Or am I confusing them with unwrapped mummies? I get this undead stuff confused sometimes.)

    WV: ditiont, as in "Oh no, you ditiont."

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  11. Anonymous3:14 PM

    You are the best. Never stop.

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  12. I would check to see what you are putting in the other end of the cat and maybe modify it. . .

    I literally cried over this line. . .BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You're a funny, funny man, JV. I heart you!

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  13. That was one dope entry, JV. Pretty fly for a white guy!

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  14. that first one made me wonder if fluffers make more money than i do. i'm willing to bet they do. and i bet they get dental, too...

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  16. I know I can always count on you for a good laugh, JV!

    And WTF happened to your roof?! I can't believe someone tried to pass that off as work. They must've been distracted by their sweaty balls and sticky butts. I hope you get all your money back and then some!

    KMarie

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  17. My friend found his seven year old twins searching for "bubes". I'm surprised that didn't end up here.

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  18. Anonymous12:56 PM

    Excellent. I love this post so much.
    Thank you.

    RobinM

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  19. JV, all I can say is that I wish our paths would cross someday. You crack me the heck UP!

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  20. OK, I just read it all again. Take your thumb off the end!
    OMG!

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  21. OMG that is frickin hysterical. I liked the spraying piss one best. lol. People actually search for that stuff huh? LA-HOOSERS. lol.
    Or pervs? Or addicts? I dunno. Funny though.

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  22. Anonymous12:56 PM

    I'm gonna go ahead and post as anonymous, because it kinda freaks me out that i know this. It sounds like that squirting-butt cat needs his anal glands expressed. Which is just as much fun as it sounds.

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  23. Laughed till I cried at this!

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