Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather. After a bunch of hours spent in The Hottest Attic In The Universe, he had a ceiling fan that ducted to the side of his house.
While my brother-in-law and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:
A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:
Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom, because obviously nothing absorbs errant pee like a nice, thick shag:
There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.
The clothes are fantastic. Imagine if you wore them today.
Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:
Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long, for god's sake. And way to pull your pants up to your armpits, grandpa.
Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:
This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.
Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:
This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden forced you to at gunpoint.
Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:
I'll bet these guys do ok with the ladies. If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his color-coordinated coffee cup.
Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:
He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.
How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:
If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit; which, frankly, is a step up.
How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day
Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.
As does your search for chest hair.
And this -- Seriously. No words.
Oh wait, it turns out there are words after all, and those words are What. The. Fuck. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. I think the little tie must be the pull tab. If you look closely, it says, "In case of chest hair emergency, pull tab quickly and back away."
Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, in 1977 it was apparently considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?
I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."
And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and an appreciative blonde with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."
Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:
I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:
Man, that's sexy.
--------------------------------------------------
And remember boys and girls, if this made you laugh, feel free to buy me a beer. Yes, I'm a whore.
You donation will help ease the pain.
621 drops of water in an ocean of compromise:
«Oldest ‹Older 1 – 200 of 621 Newer› Newest»Don't let the E Harmony guy get hold of those couple pics i smell a whole new ad campaign..
colin@ablogc.com
OMG!!!! JV!!! I swear to god, I have never laughed so hard at any of your posts as I did this one. I guess mostly because...well I can remember 1977 and I remember a lot of that crap!!
But seriously the "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best" got me, because the god honest truth now, no kidding....I was in my next door neighbors house a while ago (they are idiot rednecks from hell, long story) but their wedding photo was sitting on a shelf in their living room, and I swear to god, JV, they got married in cowboy shit like that. Who wears dumb stuff like that...ever...let alone to your own wedding? And no they are not old, probably mid 30's.
I used to wear platform sandals while riding my boyfriend's Big Wheel. Is that not hot?!
Wore that, dated someone that wore that, Dad had that, had a crush on someone that wore that, aspired to but never attained matching shirts with significant other....thanks for the memories. Now I have to live with the shame of confronting not just my past wardrobe but also hairstyles...
I used to think that nothing could be worse than today's fashions. I will have to rethink my position.
That is the absolute funniest post I have ever read on your blog..oh my God...this is the erra I was born in? I actually remember that kind of stuff...
I swear to God, my brother had that outfit with the belt. And I had more than one terrycloth jumpsuit (the short summer version, though). And one of them was D-block orange. I was the coolest 11-year-old EVER.
Funny as usual, now I see what led to my divorce in 1979.
"Sky rockets in flight,
a-a-afternoon delight"
That is all I can hear when I see that picture of the matching swimsuits.
Good stuff, JV!!
Holy Jesus, JV! There just aren't words...
(Note to self: No eating or drinking while reading 15 Minute Lunch)
Treasure! Treasure I tell you!
that was the hottest shit ever, dude are you gonna try to order something out of that, that would be the shit if you sent for a lone ranger shirt and they actually found one and sent it..... the possibilities are endless.....
I had to do a double-take because I first thought you said 1997 and scrolling downwards, I felt like I must've slept through 1997. Thank goodness, it was 77. And thank goodness my mom didn't buy my clothes at Penney's. Thank you, Mom.
I think one of my friend's parents had that dining set. I remember the splinters.
Is that Toni Tenille moonlighting with her own look-alike in the last picture?
You are the most awesome-est ever .. I laughed until I cried.. no, really, Cowboy Chachi indeed.
jc
the 70's produced the ugliest clothing styles in the history of the world. what f'ing luck that i got to be a teen in the 70's. the only good thing was that i went to a catholic schools and wore uniforms for 12 years.
I think my grandmother has the same catalog. Since I was born in the late 70's, I can't remember the clothes, my grandmother made sure to save every magazine and catalog she ever owned from like, 1960, and on. They're mostly woman's day anf family circle, but JC Penny from the 80's is still in her bathroom.
OMG, Johnny. What a trip down memory lane! I was 15 in 1977, and for Christmas that year, my boyfriend got us matching shirts like the one Cowboy Chachi is modeling. We wore those things EVERYWHERE!! I thought I was the SHIT! * big happy sigh *
Thanks alot for making fun of my wardrobe.... I thought I was wearing hip retro clothing, obviously not... I"m gonna go down and kick those people from the salvation army right in the teeth.
This was the greatest blog post I have seen in a while. Thanks for sharing and for the nightmares that will follow.
That is flippin' awesome! I haven't laughed that hard at a post for awhile. You lost me at the St. Patricks one...I just couldn't finish until I stopped cracking up for awhile.
I lived through the '70s, and even was forced into J.C. Penney's for clothing a time or two.
Your archeological research has answered two major questions, however... why so many people dressed so tastelessy during that decade (it was the incredible marketing power of Penney's), and why J.C. Penney's got (ran) out of the catalog retail business.
Sweet Jesus, I wore a brown plaid wide-collared suit for my kindergarten class picture. Add to that my home cut shark-tooth bangs and it's a miracle I never got my ass kicked at the sandbox.
This is freaking hilarious. Although chest hair guy looks pretty cool.
"I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."
Hahhahahahaha! This is the best thing i've read in weeks. Thank you thank you JV. I really needed the laugh.
It's funny, I don't remember it being that bad but then I was very young back then.
Alex
truely shocking. Most of these catalogues pics looks like my parents photo albums...yikes. Im glad the 70's are soooo over
you should try calling in an order.....
Both my sons were born in the seventies. Obviously their Dad did not order clothes from Penney's, or their conception woulda been of the immaculate kind!!!!!!!! I, of course, didn't wear ANYTHING that could be construed as "fashionable" for a decade or so. White (3 for $2.50) t-shirts did ever so much better with baby barf. As for hair....hmmmmmmm, let's not go there. I shall hafta put a little extra in the boys' X'mas stocking this year, as a thank you for making me miss that decade.....
Thanks for the guffaws JV!
Marion
Don't pick on Penneys -- every store sold sh*t like that
I was in high school in 1977. Penney's was about the only store where Mom would take us shopping. I had managed to suppress all of those bad fashion memories. Until today, of course. It's even worse than I remembered. The plaids, the pastels, the humanity!
I may need therapy.
Hilarious! I wore the same thing as the kid with the weird belt loops.
That was some weird alien crap back then. It almost seemed normal at the time.
for some reason, this post brought almost a thousand hits to my website today. If anyone can tell me where all these people are coming from, I would be forever in your debt.
Now that was some funny stuff. Nicely done.
Johnny,
I may have directed a few people over to this post from my blog. I was going to send you a TrackBack, but I couldn't find one.
That was hilarious! I bow to the master!
Hi, Johnny
I'm in Atlanta, GA...I was sent a link to this blog from a friend. I don't know how it's making the rounds, but it is and it's a good thing too!! I was crying....funniest thing I've read and seen in a long time. My entire family wore clothes from this catalog. What were we thinking??!!
Pushed the "Forwrd" button and went down the "Send To" list. All of us who committed those fashionw to perpetuity in our school portraits and family scrapbooks should be so lucky to have your witty captions accompanying them in order to ease our pain.
Actually, a friend forwarded me the text of this post, and when I saw the words "blog fodder", I asked her who wrote it. She said there was no credit on the forward, so I googled "how to get your ass kicked" and found it.
I think I have a picture of my mom sporting a bandana with some godawful romper. I also have some bad elementary school photos featuring some of these styles.
Oh this is bad.... Our High School Music Director made us wear crap like that to vocal contest. Its a miracle we didn't get the crap kicked out of us. I think the saving grace was all of the girls changing on the bus after the contest was over. The other guys were too busy getting a free show to worry about us.
I think I just pee'd a little.
I'm in Kansas City and this was sent by a friend. I laughed so hard I sent it to everyone I know who lived through the fashion nightmare of the 1970's. Dude, thanks for the memories!
This is some funny s.h.i.t.!!!! I do think I heard "The Fifth Dimensions" in the background humming a song !!!!
I just sent this to my son in Belgium. It is now going to make the rounds in Europe. I got it from a girl at work, we laughed so hard tears were streaming down our faces, and we actually could not breathe. This needs to get to Jon Sewart somehow, anyone have his email address? Jen
I grew up in the 70's. Bad as that is....my clothes came from Woolworths. They were probably WORSE!
that was painfully funny.
this is one of the funniest things i've read!!! thanks for the laughs!
A friend at work sent it to me. I sent it to my boyfriend at a New York City agency and they all laughed all day over it. Later I sent it to my sister in Florida. She says she NEVER forwards stuff, but she's sending this one to "EVERYBODY!!"
I'm here because of a link on a Rush fan message board. Bet you didn't expect that one.
Rush is one of my favorite bands, actually so that sorta fits...
The commentary is as funny as the outfits.
Thank you! My husband & I were wheezing and crying with laughter. Your writing is perfect.
This is the funniest thing I have read forever. I'm still laughing. Don't know what's funnier, "afternoon delight running through my head", "the pics" or "your comments. Way too funny. Encore, encore!
any place that markets his and her matching outfits like this deserves my boycott. I still see some couples-40 to 80 dressing like this and always in a travel trailer. I change if I see hubby even remotely close in color to me!
Believe it or not, this was posted at MySpace. So now I'm sure everyone and their mother have seen it, that's how I happened by here. This brings back memories of the picture my dad carries in his wallet of me at 5. I refused to wear dresses because I was such a tomboy, so he duded me up in a powder blue, plaid bellbottom pantsuit and had my picture taken. Why, thanks dad, for flashing that every chance you get!
The commentary is, as has been said, just as frickin' hysterical as the photos.
This was emailed to me and I posted a reference to it on our blog. A JC Penney Catalog From 1977
The word is spreading! Very well done!
AHHHHH! My cousin owns that barrel furniture. I'm serious.
What a nightmare.
AHHHHHHH!
This is so funny .... I would have been 8 in 1977 and I do remember Granimals and some of those kid fashions ... thanks for making my day!
-Chelsea
I don't want to sound like a broken record...but this is some seriously funny stuff. I worked at JCP's competitor (Sears) in the 70s...and yep...stuff looked just like it does in the catalog. Wonder where those models are now???
I just happened to see this post. I am sitting here laughing hysterically, while putting a lock on my closet.
1. For my first wedding, my ex wore a blue leisure suit which he got a J.C.Penny's. When I started to walk down the friggen aisle, I knew right then that I should have turned back around and ran.
2. Back in 1976, my family of 6, (us 4 kids and mom/dad) were going to Disneyland. My dad had an idea of all dressing alike. So, now you have the Brady Bunch in diguise...we all wore red/white/blue/gold striped pants (which we all bought from, yes, you guessed it, J.C.Penny's) and red turtlenecks.
I am going to have to scan a picture so that I can post that one on my blog.
Thank you so much for sharing your 'find' in the attic. Totally hysterical!!
~:~carol~:~
... sweeeeeet Jesus, dude...... I need some eyewash now!....
.... oh, and Jerry from Back Home Again sent me.....
Eric from straightwhiteguy....
The third one looks like the "Parisian Night-Suit" Sam wore to school in "Freaks & Geeks." Anyone else remember that?
IT WAS UNISEX! Don't you remember? Unisex haircut, Unisex clothes... they weren't trying to match, they were trying to lose their gender!
Hey JV!
OK the tears are flowing. This was sent to me from a friend.
I remember sitting at the dining room table salivating over the new Fall fashions from JC Penny's and Sears. What a thrill it was to pick out the hottest outfits around - pages and pages! I picked the red and white checkered pants with the princess cut red tee shirt and matching white belt with a huge Silver Dollar for a buckle. Hey the belt had a secret compartment how cool was that!. I also had to have the white Go-Go boots! I was the coolest 10 year old girl in town!.
Thanks for the memory - Our kids don't realize how lucky they are! LMAO in California!
Here were my thoughts as I was reading this with my boss in my office, trying simultaneously not to laugh or let something from inside of my body sneak out one of my many orifices:
-Is that ABBA on the cover?
-I got my first pastel palazzo outfit at JCP. Palazzos?
-I thought that was my little brother, but he only wore Toughskins from Sears.
-I'm pretty sure I have a 1977 Charter Oak yearbook photo of Vince Wharton aka Vince Neil from Motley Crue sporting a couple of these mod outfits for a gig with Rockandy (his HS cover band).
-Where are the shiny froot boots (men's ankle boots with slippers)? My dad wore his with every single one of those outfits.
-Unisex = duct tape on the crotch, females and males alike. Piercings do NOT go well with polyester.
-I live in Iowa now. . . photos are not so far from my reality.
Thanks for the lunchtime squirtp*ss.
SoCal to Iowa
It's a wonder that any of us are here today because I'm not sure how our parents got laid looking and wearing clothes like that.
That is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read in my life.
I can't believe you knocked the dining room set. That shit is really popular ... in Niagra Falls.
A friend of mine sent a link to this post and it is hilariously funny - I was laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face and 4 year old kept asking me, "what's so funny?" She'd never understand! Only us 70's kids get just how bad the fashion was back then. Thank you for the laugh! It made my otherwise mundane day pretty bright. I'm keeping this link and will be checking back for more laughs!
Absolutely fabulous!!! I can't believe the stuff....although I kept expecting a picture of John Travolta.....oooohhhh where is a disco ball when you need one?
gk
i love a good ass-whipping. i may need to borrow your catalogue.
I was in my 30's in 1977 so I saw it all.. OMG, it's funny now. Thanks for posting. Thanks to my friend Tricia for linking to it in our discussion board. I suspect you owe her some dry panties.
And everyone screams at ABBA for their crazy 70s satin spandex and flowing capes?
It WAS the 70s!
Sad, but true, everyone was wearing that shit.
In the mid-70s we moved and I had to go from wearing a uniform to school to wearing street clothes, and I was miserable. I used to think it was because the uniform was easy and there wasn't an issue with cliques or something like that, but now I can see that the real reason for my misery was the hideousness of the clothes!
Although, I have to ask, was JCPenny ever really considered fashionable? My Mom shopped via the Sears catalog (same stuff), and even back then I knew that Sears was dorky. Was Penny's cool?
What will the kids in 2037 about the dorky fashons of 2007 ?
Where the fuck is the 1977 lingerie?
Seriously --
77 lingerie = birth control.
Thanks for this : )
Just...dying here. I was alive in 1977, and had equally hideous clothing, not to mention the avocado carpet in the living room and the harvest gold appliances.
Yup, Fuglyhorseoftheday posted this on FHotD blog, and they will all be trotting over here to see some serious fug. Gotta go upholster my bathroom fixtures before bedtime now.
I remember going to a wedding where the ushers wore "leisure suits" that were in that limey-yucky green. It was all the rage back then.
And I believe my mother-in-law-to-be bought my then-fiance a plaid suit -- possibly at Penney's -- that he wore once in my presence. I threatened to douse it with gasoline and set it aflame if he ever wore it around me again. I think he left it in a closet at his parents' house and abandoned it.
If he had worn it again, I am sure I would have cancelled the wedding. Just had our 30th anniversary and there have been no more plaid clothing items.
I also remember all the his'n'hers outfits. They actually hit the fashion big-time a few years earlier, which is whey they're in the 1977 Penney's catalogue. :-)
Thanks for the chuckle!!
Oh my God. I am so glad that I was born after this. *horrified*
JC Penney: it really is all inside.
We had that dining room set growing up. It may look dreadful, but those barrels roll! We used to sit in them and twirl ourselves around. (I think that's how we broke them, but lets leave that aside.)
I wuz one of those models!
I actually remember being envious of those well-dressed, rugged men, getting all the chicks...Oh the '70s!
I remember those styles ... and to be told that you looked like the JC Penny catalog (or Sears) was a bid dis back then. However, the jumpsuit WAS quite "the bomb" after all there was a war going on, thus lots of jumping out of planes...and apparantly hitting of heads upon landing, thus the styles.
So THAT'S where Beck does his shopping!
No wonder why everyone started doing cocaine in the 70s!!!
This got passed around at work but with no credit. Someone googled 1977 JC Penny and found you. Damn funny! Thanks!
OMG!!! I was roaring!!!
JV, are you single?? I want to marry you! never have I laughed so hard!
Unfortunately, I didn't get the note that it was a lunch time read and now everyone in my office has seen me rolling on the floor crying with laughter :(
A friend of mine forwarded your blog link to me, and thank god she did. I can't remember the last time I lauged so hard!!! Unfortunately I am at work in a small, quiet office, so everyone had to find out what was so funny. We all think you are hysterical. Thanks for the that :)
Where can I get one of those blue "Chest hair emergency, pull tab" shirts? My man would look sooo sexy in that thing. *shudders*
My God, I laughed so hard I cried - guess that means that I remember the original clothes, in fact I think my high school classmates wore some of them. They wouldn't look good in any dacade! Thanks for the laugh and I will definately check out the ret of your blog.
Hey, I had at least 2 suits in that 'unnatural' shade of green. One was a genuine Yves St. Laurent, no less. I might still be wearing it if it weren't for the basketball that I've grown since then....
dying here ... simply dying.
I should clarify... I was pretty much hanging on by a thread till I got to the 'chest hair' one ... then hell broke loose. I could no longer contain my cackling. thank you
Hi-lar-ious. I am laughing hard.
A friend just sent this link (Thanks Trish!). Appropriately enough, it's Halloween!
Man, the tux I wore to the Prom was that same green!
JV, you've got to do a followup!
Maury
this dude copied you:
http://www.wallstreetfighter.com/2007/10/how-to-get-laid-in-1977-and-your-ass.html
Born in 1974. And, oh so thankful that I don't remember much of the 70s.
you just cracked me the FUCK UP
We used to think it was "cool" dressing alike in Jr. High (I was 12 in 1977).
Didn't shop at sears or JCP, but did have some clothes from K-Mart...wow what fasion "divas" we all were then...no wonder everone spends a fortune these days getting their kids decent clothes.
Remember "Haband" those plastic shoes that used to send the little samples in the mail?
We thought "Harvest Gold" appliances were the S**T!!
This is my first visit to your blog and I'm adding you to my favorites! You are way too funny for words! I laughed till I cried-- I was eight years old in 1977 and lived in Fairbanks, Alaska where shopping from JCPenny was one of the ways we got our clothes (delivered by dogsled of course.) I swear I remember these pictures!
this is by far the funniest post i have read, but then again I've been gone for two years. And to tell the truth, my mom had to help me get that belt on.
A little respect please, some of us are still wearing this stuff!
Incidently, there was a guy at work back then who had actually done modelling for catalogues, and although we had no proof that he'd ever modelled underpants, he became known throughout the building as "the underpants guy".
As he walked the corridor people would stop, look askance, raise a hand to their chin and point at an imaginary distant object a la the catalogue poses. If he knew why, he never let on.
OMg --- I've been laughing at this ALL DAY LONG. Seriously - THANK YOU. TOOOOO FUNNY. Someone sent me the link they saw on a site they frequent and then I had to send it out....
yeh, a friend e-mailed the link to me, and I am a 70s baby who remembers *WISHING* I could get inside info on Kristy McNicol's hair-feathering technique. It is mindblowing how fucked-up the clothes were back then... we had a Harvest Gold fridge that we bought used... and ever since scrolling thru the comments, which have added much spice to the post, all I can do is murmer over and over to myself, "mom in a romper, mom in a romper!"
Dear Johnny, I am in Melbourne, Australia, and I received your hilarious take on 70s fashions from Portland, Oregon (in an email, which made me look for your blog by Googling). I have sent it on to everyone I know, mainly in Australia, and also to a friend in Texas who actually wrote copy for JC Penney catalagues. Can't wait to hear how she reacts. Thank you for the biggest laugh I've had in ages.
I have had two very crappy weeks at work. I really needed this laugh. I'm laughing so hard I am crying! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for making my day. I think the reason it's so damn funny is I grew up in the 70's and every year my mother would shop the catalogs for our school clothes. OH MY HELL!
I was a senior in High School in 1977. I think my grandma bought me one of those outfits for my birthday. She always shopped at Penny's.
She's dead now. Good.
Bitch.
JV-OMG!It took a while to compose myself, that was the funniest thing I've ever seen. I was in my late teens in 1977, holy shit! I feel like I had been in a time warp seeing all of those ugly clothes! Thanks for the great laugh, I'm still cracking up!!!
Mary V.
My parents have that barrel furniture in their basement, and I have always wondered where it came from... now I know!