3/5/08

Search and Rescue 2008.

I'm going to do something I haven't done in a while -- namely, let Site-meter searches that landed on 15minutelunch dictate my blog entry. Lately, my Site Meter has been letting me down. It seems most of my hits have come from e-mail "unknowns" or actual searches for "15 minute lunch" so there hasn't been much blog fodder from that source. That's not to say the weird folk haven't been out -- just that it's been harder to catch them doing what they do. I still managed to catch a few, which I now present for your enjoyment:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site

castration parties -- I'm going to have to plead ignorance on this one, although I'm thinking that if you're a guy, you've probably never been to one of these before. I base this uneducated guess on the fact that there would be very little reason to attend a second one if the first one was a rousing success. If, however, you are a woman -- I suggest you simply pay extra attention to your calendar and make sure you don't get your parties confused and end up doing something you'll regret at that March of Dimes fund-raiser.

bagpiping porn hairy armpit -- I have no expertise in this particular pornographic sub-classification. You have encapsulated something wonderful in between two things that are horrible, and sent it off into a search engine. I have no advice, save this -- location, location, location. From your stats I can see that you are currently in the U.S. I suggest you look into moving to Scotland, where the odds of encountering naked, hairy arm-pitted women who play bagpipes are probably much greater.

Canadian zoophilia -- I'm not sure if you're just tired of American farm animals and looking for something different, or if you're researching whether or not Canadian farm animals are less apt to kick you in the nads, but again, it's all about location. You'd really have a better shot at finding what you're looking for if you moved to Canada because I've heard they've really tightened up the borders and aren't letting as many sexually active Canadian animals across the border as they used to.

man whore job in NY -- Way to aim high, my friend. Way to aim high.

how to make little hot tubs for frogs -- At first I thought that was a little weird, since I wasn't aware that frogs even desired hot tubs. But then I decided that everybody likes hot tubs (except for maybe lobsters) so I think maybe wanting to know how to make little hot tubs for frogs is normal and fine. However, If you are also giving them seaweed wraps, cucumber facials and full-body massages with happy endings, I think you may have crossed the line into problem territory.

swallowed whole pooped alive -- I think I can help. This is the lesser-known sequel to the popular children's book Everyone Poops. Swallowed Whole, Pooped Alive is a classic children's tale with just the right mixture of danger and intrigue, and a convincing subplot that delicately handles a young boy's coming of age in the 21st century. Also, it's about how he was swallowed whole and pooped alive. So, happy ending. Sort of.

nobody's cooler than you virgil -- well, shit. Welcome home, my friend. Welcome home.

looking for my god clothes -- This is proof of two things. One, God is a guy. Two, he clearly does not do his own laundry.

things to do with a strap on -- Well, I must assume here that you are intimately familiar with all of the normal things to do with a strap-on, and are simply looking for some alternatives. Given that assumption, here are a few new ideas for you:

(1) Wear it to the supermarket and use it to knock the items on your list into your shopping cart.
(2) Use it to see how many onion rings you can carry back to your desk from the cafeteria at work.
(3) Wear it to bed and prop up your book with it. (Or if it's one of those big black ones, clamp the book light to it for better illumination of the pages.)


what to use around your house as a buttplug -- I don't know how or when I became the internet's de facto go-to guy for butt-plug advice, since I'd actually prefer that my o-ring remain a one way street, but here goes -- Stand in the room of your choice and follow this handy flowchart:



broke guy wearing barrel picture --
We just spent 600 bucks on our car and it's still raining inside my house, so give me a few weeks and I'll be able to help you out with the picture. It's gonna cost you though.

43 comments:

  1. Love the flow chart!!!

    My weirdest google hit was "Wii-Mote stuck in my butt."

    Nice!

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  2. Thanks for the useful strap-on suggestions.

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  3. Hmm..if you drill a hole in the strap on you could pee standing up.

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  4. Ahhhh.... Welcome back, baby!!!

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  5. Does that flow chart come in poster size? I need to put one up in my living room to remind myself not to try to put very large things in my ass.

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  6. EmSmith11:02 PM

    I was so excited when I saw this post, and it did not disappoint! It's gonna take me a while to stop laughing.
    I think every man should have the butt plug poster in his shed for when 'tinkering' with tools and gadgets turn into potential disasters. It's a real OH&S issue that has largely gone unnoticed and I'm sure the stats are alarming!

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  7. As a hairy bagpiping Canadian of Scottish descent who lives on a farm, has Everyone Poops on her bookshelf and lurves me some porn, you've pretty much covered all the bases here. Thanks. Hilarious once again.

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  8. Wow. I have search string envy :).

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  9. Ok I haven't made it into a poster yet...however it IS my new wallpaper.

    On my computer, not my walls.

    I really want to thank you for 15 Minute Lunch. I come here whenever whenever I need a good laugh-out-loud comedic break from my college education. 20 years from now, I probably won't remember all the details about the Spanish guerra civil, but I will be able to tell people what CBH stands for and who the Squattersons are.

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  10. I'm so jealous. My best google searches have been "GMILF" and "Snuggle and Pain in the Ass Bitch."

    I love the flowchart.

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  11. Hell to the yes. These are some of my favorite entries. The things people want to know suprise me. Also their lack of syntax suprises me too. Sometimes I think monkeys are actually typing things into google and landing on your blog.

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  12. Oh, it was a happy day when I stumbled onto your site via a post from "No Accent Yet".

    The flow chart is too funny; posters should be ordered ASAP.

    Thanks for the morning laugh. I needed it!

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  13. I'm a big fan of the butt plug flow chart as well. It's all so simple, really.

    Bagpiping pron hairy armpit. My. God.

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  14. Too funny! I have lived in Scotland now for 2 1/2 years, and I have yet to see a naked, hairy armpitted bagpiper. (Although I have seen a bagpiping Santa.)

    Castration parties...something a vet would attend? LOL

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  15. at last. someone's discovered a proper use for a visio chart.

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  16. Damn. You're too funny. I think "they" may have to take some of the funny away from you so you can live a normal and fruitful life with the rest of human kind. It will only hurt for a minute or two, sort of like household items you choses to use as a butt plug.

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  17. Ahhh...all is right in the world again...you're back on top at HB. Whew!!! Funny post...

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  18. Hilarious! The flow chart nearly made me spit out my mouthful of turkey sandwich due to a sudden fit of laughter.

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  19. You the man, keep it coming.

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  20. Oh good lord that flow chart. That flow chart. Golden.

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  21. I'm in the lab and someone just came over to ask what's wrong. It seems because I was trying to keep my cackling down and covering my mouth, the laugh came out at a low squeeky *eeeweewee* add this to the tears rolling down my face and suddenly it's assumed i'm having an end of term related break down.

    As if I wasn't weird enough.

    Ok, I'm really going to do my homework now!

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  22. That flow chart is classic! Very funny

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  23. Oh yeah I forgot ..
    Speaking of Special Dark, I think it's about time for another round of Holla' Back.

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  24. Holy crap that flowchart is hilarious.

    My question on these google searches you find: Do you ever go back through your blog and try to determine which post(s) resulted in the hit? That could be funny in and of itself.

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  25. EB - yeah, it's nuts. No rational person would ever click on those search results that link to my site. That last one for instance, links to my 1977 post. My post mentions the word 'guys','picture' and 'wearing' in random sentences. So obviously if you're looking for a picture of a guy wearing a barrel, that's the link you'd choose. People just have no idea how to use a search engine, or interpret the results it gives them.

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  26. Nicole, never play Wii bowling naked. Stand in the wrong place one time, and boom!

    mojo - you're very welcome. Let me know how it works out.

    Keva, I already pee standing up.

    Bex, thanks. I had to beg for clicks though. I'm so ashamed.

    emsmith -- Right before I ran out of room, I had a box that said, "Can you say "I fell on it" in a convincing manner?"

    Carolyn, you sound like quite the catch.

    Stephanie, I'm glad I can help out with your higher education.

    MichaelT, you cursed me. I'm all out of funny.

    Leigh, I would have killed for visio. That's all done by hand. A labor of butt-love, as it were.

    Scoop, thanks man.

    Alex -- next time just stand up and start screaming "WHAT!? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?? DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME! DON'T LET THEM TAKE ME!"

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  27. lol very funny! loved this post :)

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  28. Damn. I guess there's no chance of you returning my blog crush now.

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  29. Most of my google search hits have to do with just a few terms - husband talking to ex and boob smashing. Maybe once I've got a bit more time in the blogosphere (in month 3 here) I'll have more crazy google hits! LOL Great post!

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  30. Randi2:20 PM

    bwa ha ha ha! Can I also get that flowchart in poster size? My cousin is an ER nurse and apparently people get things stuck a lot. I think it might be helpful to the ER Doctors and nurses to hand out to these patients. Educate the public, that's the ethical ting to do!

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  31. Randi, my aunt was an ER nurse as well. She used to tell some amazing stories about the things people would try to put up their arses.

    WTH. A pickle jar?!

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  32. Best. Blog. E.V.E.R.

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  33. kristina5:07 PM

    Decision trees can be most useful in any situation! These should especially be used by men with garages full of tools...

    I used to review medical reports from emergency rooms - the one where a guy had a Pond's Cold Cream jar stuck up his arse that had to be "milked out", and the another one where a crazy drunk guy sliced open his scrotum while using a jig-saw and his nads fell out (then he tried to put them back in and use a staple gun to close), will always stand out in my mind as times when a decision tree would have been a good mechanism to employ.

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  34. Jamie, I would have to say my favorite story was the guy who got a washer (as in nuts/bolts) stuck on his penis. Now that was fan-foreskin-tastic!

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  35. I'm new to your blog and this was quite the welcome post. ;D You get the best google searches...my best is 'screw my wife please' and 'screw my husband please'. I need to start throwing 'buttplug' and 'poop' around my blog! hehe Thanks for the laugh!

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  36. i just laughed so fucking hard.

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  37. My strangest google hit was from someone in Dubai. It was "milk feeding with sexy". WTF?!

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  38. That was seriously funny.

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  39. That was hilarious! And they flowchart is a classic! I don't have anything quite like yours but I did get "erik's clothing for men Sandusky". I hope they found what they were looking for!

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  40. My weirdest hit occurred yesterday - "Woman caught masturbating man in state park" - now what was wrong with that searcher?

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  41. This is one of the funniest posts I have run across. Thanks for making my night

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  42. hilarious...the flow chart is great...thanks for the laugh!!

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  43. well, I thought penguin sex was just about the oddest search term I would ever see, but that has been dis-proven. I really thought I was worldly, but seriously, I'm not even in the same league as the folks. Why are they seeking out non-traditional things to shove into themselves? Do they not have stores where these people live?

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