1/17/06

Finding Mr. Virgil

It's time for your weekly dose of....

Fantastic Searches That Somehow Pointed People To My Site

difference between exuding confidence and being annoying - In reality, these are generally one and the same. People who exude confidence are intrisically annoying. There is fine line between arrogance and awareness of self-worth, and the confidence-exuder walks this line. There is only one thing more annoying than a confidence-exuder, and that is an arrogant asshole. And the only thing worse than an arrogant asshole is an arrogant asshole who exudes unwarranted confidence.

rapid clacking noise on my washer - You are in luck, because I am an expert at fixing washers and dryers. OK, here's what you do. Look very closely at your washing machine. Tell me if it looks anything like this:



If it does, you have found the source of your problem. Do not get too close -- those things can be very dangerous. Immediately get a big stick and pound the shit out of it until your washer is covered in tiny, red and white slivers of plastic. The clacking should have stopped. Your washer is now fixed.

Washing machine won't go into rise cycle - Ugh. Magicians. They have no idea what to do when their appliances break down.

flaming doe scent - I've burned hair off my arm while grilling steaks, and lemme tell ya -- that shit stinks bad. You cannot get rid of that smell. I can only imagine how bad an entire flaming doe smells. It can't be good. I have no idea why you would even want to smell it.

How many hours should you space between breakfast and lunch? - I recommend spacing for at least an hour. What I like to do is grab some breakfast around 8, head back to my desk around ten thirty, then space for an hour or so until lunch. By then it's all downhill and almost time to leave.

Jolly Ranger candies - I'm not sure why, but this candy sounds much gayer than the Jolly Rancher version.

WGY CANT WE LOOK ET THE SUN - BECUASZ WE WIL GO BLINED AND NPOT BE ABL TO CEE THE KLEYBOARD REELG OOD.

wedgie instructions - OK, here you go: Grab the underwear firmly, using both hands if possible. (The single-handed wedgie is beyond the scope of this text, and will be covered next semester.) To avoid thumb injury, the proper form is very important. Hook the elastic waistband with four fingers of each hand. Ideally, you want all fingers on the inside of the elastic, and the thumbs on the outside. The thumbs should be almost touching, but be sure to leave a bit of slack to allow for the upward motion to follow. Once you have properly grabbed the underwear, jerk the underwear up quickly, using your shoulders and upper back. Do not lean forward too much or you will risk injuring your lower back. However, there is a caveat: Do not pull up too quickly. It is possible to completely rip the underwear if you are too over-exuberant, which immediately nullifies the worthiness of the wedgie. This botched wedgie only results in momentary pain. The best wedgie will result in a 4x increase in underwear length, and the pain will be continuous until the offending garments are extricated via out-patient surgery. You will know you have executed the perfect, text-book wedgie if both leg holes extend past the waistband by at least 3 inches, and the underwear has still not ripped.

Scrotum grabbing - I have no instructions here. Scratching, yes. Grabbing, not so much. My only advice for you would be not to go around doing it, unless asked.

How do you handle a lying bastard? - I'm not completely sure, but I'd put good money on the answer "Firmly, by the scrotum."

tell some real tip on how to be a good smart not scared model and funny model - Clearly, you've got your mastery of the english language down, (good enough to be a model, anyway) so I would suggest concentrating on being 5' 11" and really hot.

9 comments:

  1. i followed your wedgie instructions, but it was difficult reaching around to get a hold of my undies...

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  2. Holy shit, I'm so going to be fired. People are going to find out I waste time reading blogs while I'm in the office. Stop making me laugh out loud!

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  3. Dang you get some great stuff. I have been saving mine up to do a like post (but not so funny as I'm writing it), and the best I've had so far are... "hate, that husband catholic" (haha, don't tell the hub), and "watch the sexy lady how she kiss the man" which of course, you'd definitely learn about on my blog so at least they came to the right place for that. :)

    Firmly, by the scrotum. Still laughing.

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  4. Trying to read this unnoticed at work when i see this

    WGY CANT WE LOOK ET THE SUN - BECUASZ WE WIL GO BLINED AND NPOT BE ABL TO CEE THE KLEYBOARD REELG OOD.

    and crack up in the middle of the office.

    :P nice work

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  5. Flaming Doe Scent sounds like a good punk band.

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  6. Those totally cracked me up. I love your explanations for all of them, especially why we can look et the sun. HAR!

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  7. Still loving these.

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  8. I was laughing so hard it hurt! The last one really was the cherry on the cake! But I think that the blinding sun one was the creamy filling.

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