2/18/11

Find me Lil' Scrappy, beotch.

Good old Travis got me hankerin' to do one of these, and since I haven't done one in forever, and I have another post that I'm still working on, I figured it was time. So thanks to the modern wonders of search engine tracking, allow me to present:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site.

Your tits rotated -- I know you can't be talking about *my* tits, so I'm assuming you're talking about someone else you know. My first thought is that you have to be more specific if you want my help. You can't just walk up to your friend and be all nonchalant like, "Oh hey, by the way, your tits rotated. Just thought you might want to know." My guess is she'd probably already know, because that shit hurts. You are going to need to be prepared to give her some solid advice. For instance, did they just do a 360 in place? (That's considered the most painful of the tit rotations.) Or did the end up on her back? These are important questions, and before I give you any advice, I really need more info. For instance, if she's old, and starting to sag, I hope she got the 180. They are rare, but they're also the best of all possible tit rotations. That way they stay perky for a few more years. Kind of like flipping over your mattress.

Biggie Gibb - Being very knowledgeable about music, I think I can help you in your search for this rare information. Ah, Biggie. I remember him well. The one Gibb brother who went his own way. While Robin, Maurice and Barry formed the BeeGees and subsequently became huge stars along with their brother Andy, Biggie chose to blaze his own trail after he was asked to leave the band due to severe anger management issues and his desire to take the band in another direction. The final straw was an altercation with Maurice in the recording studio, over the elder Gibbs' refusal to use the original title of Biggie's soon-to-be-hit song, "How Deep is Your Love now, Motherfucker?"

Here's a very rare early promo picture:


May I see a real picture of drackila? - No you may not.

What kind of fungus smells like burning? - I am pretty sure it's this kind:


They say a blast of Tinactin will fix everything.

Do guys need to wash their ass? - For fuck's sake, YES. FECES COMES OUT OF IT ON A (hopefully) REGULAR BASIS. I get like 20 of these a month. Who the hell started this rumor, anyway? Some dirty-assed son of a whore, I know that much. It's ridiculous. Why wouldn't you wash the one thing on your body that has the most potential to smell the absolute worst?

Dremel sex - I'm not sure I'm your guy on this one. To me, this just sounds painful. The only time I've used a dremel tool is to carve - coincidentally - wood. As a general rule, I don't think "sex" and "carving things" go well together, if you really want the relationship to last. If you are ending a relationship abruptly, however, I think sometimes carving is involved. That and super-gluing seem to be pretty popular options. I'll take the superglue if I have to pick one.

google get me information on lil scrappy -- OK, first of all, Google is not a person. It's also not a genie, or a leprechaun or anything else that grants you wishes. You don't have to address it by its first name, because it really doesn't have one. Nor does it have a last name. It's not like some guy in an orange apron who comes up to you in Home Depot and says, "Hi, I'm Google Lewbowski. Can I help you find anything?" It's a search engine running on a server. You don't have to be polite. Second of all -- lil' scrappy? Google should just tell you no. Is that some rap guy or Scooby Doo's nephew? I always get them confused.

How to tell if your pants are too tight for the office - This is an easy one. Here is the way you tell: If you have to ask that question, then yes, they are. Go change, you slut. Or at least go take off that underwear and put on a thong because it's giving you a serious case of the quad-cheek and that look is no good for anyone, at the office or otherwise.

OK, there's more, but I'm out of steam, so I'm going to bed. I'm still not quite over this cold, which has been kicking my ass since Monday. Have a great weekend, everyone!

p.s. -- Just one more small reminder. I know I'm a pain in the ass, but if you actually bought my book, please try to leave a review on Amazon or B&N's website. I really appreciate it!


24 comments:

  1. Dude. This was no holds barred funny.

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  2. Morris12:41 AM

    "Kind of like flipping over your mattress."

    Oh damn that kicked over my giggle box. You come out with some corkers, Johnny.

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  3. i should send you a few of mine. "granny trailer sex" and "picures of ankle panties" are two recent contributions...

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  4. Evertime I like at my search terms, its pretty boring variations of the name of my blog.

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  5. So, have you ever googled Gaga? [no first names needed for that either.]

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  6. Aw. I had a serious thing for Data, after I out-grew WW. He can be my space whore anytime.

    The washing-the-ass thing though? That guy's mom's basement must be really rank, because I bet he never leaves it.

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  7. I think Biggie Gibb just made my day...

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  8. God JV, I can always count on you to make me laugh my ass off. How does that brain of yours work?

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  9. Oh JV, thanks for the laugh. Great way to start the morning. And I totally agree with your response re: are my pants too tight for the office?

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  10. If Google had a last name, it would be Lebowski. You nailed it, Johnny. Nailed it. Google "The Dude" Lebowski: Putting other search engines to shame since 98.

    Also, I always knew Data would wind up with a cock in his mouth.

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  11. kristina2:27 PM

    I shall always refer to you as "Lil' Scrappy" from now on...

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  12. Teacup5:04 PM

    I can't imagine how any of those search terms led to your site. That's crazy.

    Also:
    What kind of a fantasy world do you live in where people in Home Depot come up to you and ask if they can help you?

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  13. dbs, thanks!

    Morris, sorry about kicking you in your box.

    Daisy, one that I didn't post about was "granny loves foreskin porn"

    Ed, that's like me and JC Penney...

    Fireant, I prefer to ignore her.

    KC, i think you're right.

    marianne, he made mine too.

    Jen, I have no freakin' idea. Most of the time I just write the first thing that pops into my head. It's never appropriate.

    Katie, you obviously didn't click on the foot link.

    Travis, you and me both, my friend.

    Kristina, I answer to anything.

    Teacup, You are completely right, but I couldn't remember if the Lowes guys had red aprons or blue ones.

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  14. Upstate Broad5:34 PM

    Dang, I just wanna know where this mythical Home Depot at which you shop is located, where employees approach and ask if they can help you. The rest of us have to roam the aisles searching in vain for assistance.

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  15. I love these! They always make me laugh - thanks.

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  16. Hilarious...
    Thanks for the laugh!

    I'll be back!

    Lisa

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  17. nsss, welcome! thanks for stopping by. now I have someone to visit in Hawaii.

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  18. Mackerel7:30 PM

    It took me a while to figure out what it was that was freaking me out about the promotional photo of the Notorious BeeGee, when it hit me... It looks like his hands have been soaking in bleach! Otherwise, it's the funniest thing I've seen this week. Am headed over to B&N to leave a review of TS,H,&Me right now. Thanks for making it available for Nook. My wife wants to know what's so funny...

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  19. Mackerel -- Notorious Bee Gee is the funniest thing I've heard all week. Can't believe I didn't notice that! Awesome.

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  20. JV, this is the funniest thing I've read in ages! Thanks for making everyone passing through the lobby look at me weird. I will leave work today with an extra-big "TGIF" grin!

    Having said that, I must stick up for poor Data. Maybe it's because I'm a girl but he never set off MY gaydar. Travis and Johnny, shame on you for your base thoughts! ;-) *heads off to fire up Tricorder App on phone*

    Word verification: flesmutw
    Translation: foot disease featured in a certain blog

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  21. Rider, I remember a certain episode with Tasha Yar where he said he was "fully functional" -- but I didn't say he was doing it for pleasure, only money. That's why he had to ask Google. He's logical, afterall, so he needs to go with which sex pays the most.

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  22. Cough. . .Data's gold colored, not green,. . .cough.



    Bought the book.

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  23. h always looked greenish yellow to me. maybe I'm color blind or my tv sucks.

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  24. Jive Talkin' was gonna be the B side but they settled on More Than A Woman, Bitch.

    Great work.

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