I was on the way home from work Friday, and I needed to stop for milk because we were almost out. Miraculously, what do I see in front of me? A deal too good to pass up:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge6GGie6Lm1nJImcnu45o1zbMNUVmeshfIEZJMMIO6DBBCOjQLjd33o4V8yFhLHzGZTrPTL3MW2P55SMdkBrKlN-GaxsHWePd2ElcbxChil6XKYDR0_ZZ3wf-0gwVIkvXpFR1VbA/s400/stew1.jpg)
I mean, who doesn't love free milk -- am I right?
I check my schedule, and it turns out that I have nothing planned. I decide to follow this purveyor of free cow juice and score me a 1/2 gallon for later. Maybe even a gallon -- I have no idea what size the driver is giving away today, nor how far I will have to follow him to get it. Even a pint would be good, but only if I have to maybe follow him for a few miles, tops.
About 20 minutes later I realize I am in this for the long haul. He owes me at least a 2-gallon jug. There's a few cars in between us, but I am a pretty good tracker. Plus, he has a giant truck. He finally puts on his blinker to turn in here:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSPjeCcHVBTfZcm-uGCo15cmq1O4i3peX3MPFwPKtxGw-SugliVGQq-MTKC5OPsPDPN_9NIhcLuOdocbRiHa-AP5oCj5WFf9Ljkq8S-o5nFtYc4o4NBemBB4CiqLGpYvIUROHpGw/s400/stew2.jpg)
I think he might be pulling over to give away the free milk, so I wait for him to stop. Instead -- even though I'm flashing him with my high beams -- he laughs at me, flips me off and just keeps going.
No, I'm just kidding. I don't think he knew I was after his milk.
I wait for the two cars in front of me to go straight, then I take the same right-hand turn. I stop quickly to snap the above picture, then immediately get stuck at the stop sign and lose sight of him for a few minutes. I continue driving down the lane, and come to this sign:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTug7Z0u0sfnIEnChe_EZMDbhacR-fjRL9W4DzyKsERoBjEvW-aJV1gU9m-rgyhUWku3BCX9ALX16Dv1KKxmsEJT5HBW4t4GMSWhyEWSzUWCZvY4VbGUp6wvHEk2XCmXdH5XNBcA/s400/stew3.jpg)
Hmmm. I figure that I need either "pick ups" or "customer service" because I want to
take free milk, not
deliver it. And "purchasing" is out of the question because this particular milk is
free, goddammit. I take the left.
I drive around for a while and find the truck again, but instead of disembarking and giving me my free milk, the driver backs his truck into
this thing:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBmPnzn1G5r-ytI8fF-VqtAiSzmEybnIGDsPRurTK7bwwLxBnrms013blN5s-cWd3TASM68nqmqcNjwOl47X5JybxZNHV61ktF6wuS6DzlX09FkO8FaVmCnbOQCQdtNLM3LxUz0A/s400/stew4.jpg)
I can only assume that the truck driver is either
disgorging his sweet, sweet bounty, or
loading up with more milky goodness to give away to all his followers. I seem to be the only one camped on this truck, so I think my odds are pretty good of scoring some milk.
A few minutes later, the truck pulls away and I start following him again, but it's getting late and I really need to get home. I know I need milk, but this is getting ridiculous. I realize it's free and everything, but I'm beginning to think maybe I should just stop at the store and buy a quart. I decide to stick it out a little longer. After about a half hour of driving on back roads, he pulls into the driveway of a small house, with a pretty giant garage:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYehL7C3LZBtnFSklvkWQfMHPSqELUe5mmmxEay7VpVFQmiOoKUbD_6w-GpIajQ5QCYzqErZa9UpplXRT61J7CmQH6zis07q_Ic-uYHYgk0Vln5YiJk6zsxAQ6SzL8VuHRui4www/s400/stewathome.jpg)
I figure I'll hang around until he leaves the garage, then I'll jump into the back of the truck, get my free milk and head home.
I kill the engine and wait. A few minutes later he drops the garage door and goes into the house. I sneak around the outside of the garage, looking for a way in, but the steel cannister defeats my screwdriver, the only meager B&E tool I have with me. I go back to my car to see what else I can find that might help, but the pickin's are slim since I wasn't planning on this. That'll teach me.
It didn't matter, because even if I had bolt cutters, a drill and an acetylene torch, there was no way I was getting into this dairy products fortress from hell.
A few seconds later, I hear his front door open. He comes out and walks over to a Toyota Celica parked in the driveway, jumps in and pulls away. For a second, I think I should maybe follow him to get my milk, since the sign on the truck said "Follow Me" but I figured that only applied when he was driving the milk truck, so I let him leave. After all, I knew there was milk here -- I was so close I could almost taste it. The guy who drives the milk truck
has to have milk, right?
There was only one thing to do.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBMeLCzG3MhYlkVTdbpgp10xjEbKrgxb64gtasrxNTWKYTwTJSTL2k6ANXvmZfIAClQv6X_d5DwiGTlgpl-sOnDbHJ2dHrGwxxpZCu3xzDNj53tpmk2WYrZ3RGKFdJgXxqc8YL1g/s400/breakin.jpg)
It didn't take me long to find the kitchen, and consequently the fridge.
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4_Rfll3XWvP_GQ8aGVPt-6kP5d7hsBU-pKs6gGmX5wgu88E7cXWfs_uDYy3IDngO2TKlTemtt1xcSiEA6G60hAUXyY0tN2Xrs_64giD61Vn57Nl8Aj0Z5fCHCkstTOIoptcu0Nw/s400/thesteal.jpg)
After all that, it was skim. I took it anyway.
I took his butter and egg-beaters too.
Hey, don't judge me. They were free.