6/14/08

Tongs? Really? Man, I lead a sheltered life.

It's time once again for one of my semi-regular features, since I'm still formulating my next "real" post. Google searchers have been letting me down lately but I've still managed to catch a few gems. For your reading pleasure, I now present:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site:

my wife jokingly says I have a small penis -- I hate to break it to you Tiny Tim, but she's probably not joking. Women in general and wives in particular don't usually joke about that. I suppose it's always possible that your wife has a freakishly large vagina and an extremely limited sexual history. Otherwise, you probably have a little wiener.

I can do it for a minute girl - Unless you're talking about the Iron Cross, I would suggest that you do not include that small detail in your e-Harmony profile or Craigslist personal ad because contrary to what you may think -- 60 seconds of frantic, rabbit-like humping is not the way to set the bar high, my friend.

your ass is like school in the summer time -- I'm not sure if this is supposed to be an insult or a compliment. I had to make up a portion of a class in summer school once, and let me tell you, it sucked. And unless you count the smell of sweaty teenagers there was nothing ass-like about it. School during the summer was oppressive, dusty and half empty, and I've never seen an ass with that description. On the other hand, just thinking about going there made me want to kill myself and gouge my eyes out, and I HAVE seen asses like that, so I think maybe it's a wash.

pictures of hot girls in hot bathing sutes with such big boobs there bursting out of there swim sutes -- I am not exactly sure which terms in this sentence landed you on my blog, but I have advice for you anyway. Stop searching for online porn and try searching for online English classes. You will be much better served in the long run. Sure, you'll temporarily have fewer boobs in your life, but eventually you will gain the spelling skills necessary to surf porn like a true expert.

picture of the worlds biggest butt wearing all clothing -- Thank you, anonymous Google searcher, for another odd and disturbing image I didn't need rolling around in my head. Theoretically, how big would a butt actually have to be to wear all the clothing there is? I'm guessing pretty big. I won't even dispute your theory that it would probably have to be the biggest butt in the world. I'm just thinking out loud here, but even if you located the butt, I'm willing to bet you'd have a hard time convincing everyone else in the world to donate all their clothes to your cause.

how big the penis should be at age 13 for a black kid -- Using my amazing powers of deduction, I will go out on a limb here and say this was typed by an insecure 13 year old black male. Unfortunately, I'm neither 13 years old nor black, so I am somewhat unqualified to answer your question. I am fairly certain, however, that any answer I could give you would include the phrase "bigger than mine."

granny porn without tongs -- Good luck with your search, my friend. Right now, you're probably out there on the internet up to your ass in vast amounts of easily obtainable granny porn WITH tongs. I know it's not quite the same thing, but the newest version of Photoshop has a tong-removal filter. Don't ask me how I know.

are girls actually unintelligent? -- Oooooooh, I can't believe you typed that directly into the internet. In fact, I can't believe you even thought that. Even as we speak, there are tens of thousands of female IT experts tracking down your ip address and then driving directly to your house because you are clearly a man who is looking for a serious ass-whooping.

how to know if you husband is gay -- I think I can help you with this one. Just take this short quiz:

1. Does your husband like penises? (Yes) (No)

If the answer is Yes, then in my limited experience, your husband is most likely gay.

That's all I have from Google this week. Right now I'm working on a story about when my mother took The Snitch, Houdini and me to a disgusting place called The Catskill Game farm. It wasn't pretty, but it was pretty funny.


35 comments:

  1. I love when you post these JV!!!
    You sure have some interesting visitors don't ya??

    ReplyDelete
  2. would love to vote for you, johnny, but somebody hasn't been doing basic database administration at Humoblogs.

    Server Error in '/' Application.
    ERROR [42000] [Microsoft][ODBC SQL Server Driver][SQL Server]Could not allocate space for object 'dbo.hits'.'PK__hits__145C0A3F' in database 'humorblogs' because the 'PRIMARY' filegroup is full. Create disk space by deleting unneeded files, dropping objects in the filegroup, adding additional files to the filegroup, or setting autogrowth on for existing files in the filegroup.
    Description: An unhandled exception occurred during the execution of the current web request. Please review the stack trace for more information about the error and where it originated in the code.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You can get some pretty sweet searches by heavily loading your site with metatags that are heavily sarcastic.

    Those people usually leave the best comments.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Your ass is like school in the summertime"???? I'm going to be shaking my head over that one for a while. What do you think this person was searching for?

    Lordy. What a world.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Most of the searches I get center on the fact that I used the word 'nude' ONE time.

    But I'd say my best search to date, which isn't really enough material for a post, is: 'I got spackle in my ass'.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It isn't often that I can actually LOL about a blog post, but I did. I'm sure if I'd been drinking something it would have come out my nose. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Tell the humor blog people to try adding this to their web.config file... but only after they've fixed the database.

    customErrors mode="Off"

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, the fits of giggles that I have had over this blog!
    How do you find out what searches have lead to your blog? I want to know how people found mine now.

    PS: I also got error message from Humorblogs.

    ReplyDelete
  9. "Your ass is like school in the summertime"

    i desperately want to know who this person is that is being searched for...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Re: Granny Porn without tongs

    It was just a teeny-tiny slip of the finger, a typo if you will. They meant to type forceps.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Re: your last post - I love the name JV! Also, my sil sent your jcp entry link via email. She works for Google (with 20 million other people) so maybe your post went all through Google and then out to the rest of us,

    ReplyDelete
  12. Upstate Broad1:58 PM

    Please, God, let him have meant thongs. Please, God, let him have meant thongs. Please, God....Shhh, I'm praying here.

    By the way, JV, did I ever mention the Hubby is black? And that he was over 6 feet tall at 13? You knew there had to be a reason to stay married this many years!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'll have to remember your test for gayness. Seems like a pretty simple solution and so well explained.

    ... I'm still laughing ...

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nice masthead... I have been doing only google reader so I just noticed it. yeah, I know, this comment has NOTHING to do with this post. I don't have any tongs either. There.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The best Google search term to date leading to my blog is "dry humping joseph smith." It's awesome on so many levels!

    ReplyDelete
  16. My best one so far is "mom with club foot having a daughter with club feet"
    I have an idea where it comes from but ... man!

    ReplyDelete
  17. JV: I awat your Catskill Game Farm experience with interest. I used to take my kids there from time to time. Nothing particularly amusing happened, though.

    ReplyDelete
  18. JV, those are great. And it's because of you that I've started using sitemeter on my blog... leading me to wonder how I've apparently become an expert in growing radishes...

    Nothing remotely as hilarious as what you get, however.

    And speaking as a gay man, I can say I think your test is, if not foolproof, at least remarkably straightforward (no pun intended).

    ReplyDelete
  19. My google analytic searches are SCARY.

    But not near as specific as yours.

    Funny!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Some crazy readers you have...

    The granny porn is a serious problem for many of us.

    And BTW school in summer time = no class.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Strange, I actually found your website while searching for "big ass tong porn in there swim sutes".

    Funny old world, isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
  22. Anonymous8:26 PM

    I think the phrase "your ass is like school in the summer time" means its a BIG DRAG but I could be wrong.

    Absolutely love your blog, JV. I've been a fan for a long time now...

    FlyingPope

    ReplyDelete
  23. Anonymous10:02 PM

    I clicked, not because you asked, because i wanted to.
    colin

    ReplyDelete
  24. Anonymous1:01 PM

    It's always nice to know that I'm not the only one who's obsessed with ass and penis. However I draw the line at granny porn.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Just more proof that if you really want to attract visitors to your blog, use lots of big words like butt and boobs. Clearly I have to work on this.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Anonymous12:03 PM

    the only school in the summertime joke i know, the punchline is "no class."

    "your ass is like school in the summertime. no class." but .. that? .. doesn't make sense? not like any of the other ones do.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I think I left my comment on the wrong post. See All Natural Birth.

    FA

    ReplyDelete
  28. this post has got to be THE funniest I have ever read! LOL I will be laughing about this all day, thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm still hanging on for granny porn with spatulas. The tong thing is too played out.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Mitesh12:49 AM

    Hilarious as ever. Your previous posts about The Snitch and Houdini have set pretty high standards and I am sure you will raise the bar yet again. Eagerly waiting for that post.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Anonymous2:47 PM

    I wrote about you on my blog. I don't get cool searches like you. Somehow, "melon cuttur" just can't hold a match to "your ass is like school in the summertime." In fact, that makes "melon cuttur" look downright pathetic.

    http://marybt.wordpress.com
    PS I read your interview. I was a fan waaaaay before the jcp catalog. You had me at the handwashing post.

    ReplyDelete
  32. truth is stranger and much funnier than fiction, or at least any of the fiction i have ever written.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Please tell me how to do a search like this. I know on another blog, someone found the author via a "Patti Mayo Memorial" and he had to come check if I was ok....

    i'd love to see how people are coming to my site.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Better granny porn than searches for skin fungus like I always get. Luckyyy! I Love your blog.

    ReplyDelete