7/9/06

Ask me no more questions and I'll tell you no more lies.

You'd think I'd learn. The other day, a woman asked me for my opinion on something. For some reason, I was struck with temporary insanity and I actually gave it to her.

It is a well-known fact that when a woman asks a guy his opinion on something that she knows does not matter to him in the slightest, she is really only looking for him to agree with whatever decision it is that she has already made. I've realized that there are several unique categories of questions, and any of them can get you into deep trouble before you realize it. To all the guys reading this, I am here to help you avoid these pitfalls.

Let's start with clothing questions. Ever since the first cavewoman decided she didn't want to be naked any longer, women have been asking men their opinion on particular articles of clothing. I am pretty sure the first time it happened, it probably went something like this:

"Ogg, what you think of new fur-lined peehole cover? Keep bugs and dirt out."

"It look stupid, Lana. Also, make your ass look big."


Can you spot Ogg's mistake? Let me give you a hint: It was at this point that Ogg was bludgeoned to death with a mastodon femur, and from that moment on, the rest of the men in the cave knew not to say anything about Lana's new look. Ever since then, on some level, men have been aware that some questions are just traps, yet they continue to fall directly into them. Examples of these questions include:

Are these pants too tight?
Do you think this top is too low cut?
Does this color look good on me?


A guy will instantly realize that all of these questions are totally ridiculous. He will also instantly realize that his wife or girlfriend expects a serious answer, and that answer better be the one she wants to hear. Also -- and this is very important -- there must be almost no delay in the answer. If there is too much hesitation, she will never believe you even if you are telling her the god's honest truth. You have to be quick.

A guy's rationale is generally as follows:

Question One: Are these pants too tight? -- The answer to this question should be obvious to the woman asking it. In fact, the question should be no harder to answer than the question "Are these pants?" If you can't actually sit down without paralyzing yourself from the waist down, then yes, your pants are too tight. If you have material jimmied into places material isn't supposed to go, then yes, your pants are too tight. If your pants make you walk like you have a pool cue jammed up your ass, then yes, your pants are too tight.

Of course, you can never actually use these answers, unless you don't mind having a fight. In fact, there are only a few ways to even have a slim shot at avoiding the fight: Die of a brain aneurysm, intentionally hurt yourself to deflect the question, or lie like you have never lied before. Even if you have never seen spandex stretch that far without exploding, say "Don't be silly. You look great. No, seriously. You do."

Question Two: Do you think this top is too-low cut? - This is a tough one, because mostly, guys love to look at low-cut tops on hot women. They just don't love other guys looking at their wife's or girlfriend's low-cut top. So there is a delicate middle ground there, and the acceptable cleavage threshold will vary from guy to guy. As a general rule, however, if more than the upper third of either boob is showing at any given time, then yes, your top is too low-cut. If either nipple has more than a 23% chance of catching some air, then yes, your top is too low-cut -- unless you are a whore, in which case you're good to go.

If, as a guy, you think that your wife or girlfriend's top really is too low-cut and you don't want to let her out of the house looking like that, then a good answer is, "Well, personally, *I* like it, but I think there's going to be some tight-asses at the office party, so maybe you should tone it down a little. If she answers, "Well, screw them" there isn't a lot you can do, really. Just enjoy the show and try to keep her away from the free wine.

Question Three: Does this color look good on me? - Unless the color makes her look like a rodeo clown, then the answer to this question is an easy one. Most guys might think the answer should be "Yes, it looks great on you" but that answer is for rank amateurs. A real pro will answer with something like: "You have no idea how good. It totally brings out the blue in your eyes." Just make sure you know the color of her eyes before you try this one. Otherwise you're in for a world of hurt.

One other major category of questions revolves around home decorating. Some examples may include:

Do you like this color or this color for the bathroom walls?
Wouldn't these pillows look great on our {insert piece of furniture here}?


First, let's start with decorating in general and guys in particular.

When it comes to decorating, how good or bad a guy is at it depends upon one factor, and that factor is how much money he has. If he has a lot of money, then each room in the house will look like a page torn out of a magazine -- because that's exactly what it is. He saw something he liked in a magazine, tore it out, and brought it to the store.

Rich guy, pointing to magazine page: "I'll take that."

Salesperson: "Which piece would you like, Sir? The walnut coffee table or the leather couch and chair?"

Rich guy: "No, I mean I'll take all of it. Any install fee?"


On the other hand, if a guy doesn't have much money, the conversation will go more like this:

Poor guy: "Can I take that?"

Guy who answered the door: "Which one? The busted foosball table or the pee-stained couch with cat hair?

Poor guy: "No, I mean I'll take all of it. Any lice or fleas?

That about sums up how much most guys care about decorating. It's nice to have a comfortable, nicely appointed house, but its usually a case of function over form. A guy can live in a trailer, but he will have a comfortable chair in the living room. If a guy cares way too much about decorating then he is either trying to impress people, or he's gay, or both.

With that as your baseline, let's get back to the questions:

Question one: Do you like this color or this color for the bathroom walls? - I am willing to bet that over 99.9% of the guys asked this question will simply pick a color, but it's really immaterial as to which color they choose. They don't really care. They pick a color because for some reason, women think that men are supposed to care. It's easier to pick a color than to to deal with the aftermath of saying, "I really don't give a shit" because that would be callous and insensitive and true.

Guys use the bathroom to shit, shower, shave and brush their teeth. That's pretty much it. They are not lighting candles and playing soft music while soaking in a tub full of lavender-scented bubbles, staring at the walls and thinking, "Mauve. Mauve would be good." As long as the shower water is hot, the seat is clean and the magazine rack is fully stocked, they couldn't care less about the color of the walls. Ditto the color of the tile, the color of the sink and the color of the towels.

Question number two: Wouldn't these pillows look great on our {insert piece of furniture here}? - OK, here's the thing with guys and accent pillows. We hate them. They always have to be arranged just so, and they are constantly in our way. If all of the accent pillows on earth disappeared tomorrow, every guy in the world would be ecstatic. That being said, just agree with her. It doesn't matter what the pillow looks like --you will be moving it anyway. So it makes no difference if the pillow you are moving is green or red.

For some unknown reason, women love pillows. They will put pillows on everything. My wife actually has pillows with other, smaller pillows tied to them. I shit you not.

Another case in point: Our bed. In addition to the 4 down pillows we actually sleep on, there are two more pillows stuffed into pillow cases that match the bed spread. In front of those are two square accent pillows. In front of those are two small round pillows that look like frilly tootsie-rolls. I have no fucking clue what these are for, but I do know this: When the bed is made, literally 1/3 of the entire top surface is covered in pillows of every conceivable shape and size. It is almost a cardio workout to clear all the fucking pillows off of it before actually being able to get under the sheets, and that is extremely annoying.

There is a lot more to explore here, but I realize I've typed far too much already, so I'll let you off the hook with this bit of advice:

Just shut up about the pillows, and you'll probably get laid more. At least that's my experience. Your mileage may vary.



15 comments:

  1. The terrible thing is that the vast majority of women do this. A small percentage of extremely rational women will realize what a bind they put the guy in, but only several days later after they attacked the guy with a kitchen knife after he gave the wrong answer.

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  2. 1. There's nothing like reading a post then thinking to myself, "Why do I even bother blogging?" This was one of those posts.

    2. Perfect. Each question was dead on ... each of your sage answers was even more dead on.

    3. Pertaining to the subject at hand, I will just say this then run far and fast so as not to be bitch-slapped ... I do believe sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, some women, JUST SOME WOMEN, ask those questions solely to watch men squirm. But of course, I wouldn't know firsthand.

    Most excellent post, JV. Truly.

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  3. I thought about feigning being offended, but I mean who are we kidding here. Every word in this post is completely true. The paint color thing made pop come out of my nose. And I also hate taking all the pillows off the bed and chairs, etc. But they're so pretty!!!

    Also speaking from personal experience, I can stress the importance of knowing the color of your girlfriend/wife's eyes.

    The only question on here I will never ask: Do you think this top is too low cut? Because I already know the answer is yes, and that is exactly why I am wearing it.

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  4. Sarah, what is this "pop" you speak of?

    WH - thanks.

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  5. This is funny. I wish I could find one of you devil may care types. I am the exact opposite. I won't consult a man on clothing or decorating, or for that matter anything really. I don't usually give a damn about what men think and yet, I will bring home the sassy black fur throw pillow for the bed and instead of indifference I will be asked why the hell I didn't get the grey suede. WTF? Typically I must shame them with comments to their sexual orientation but I really shouldn't have to bother.

    Oh and the purpose of throw pillows is for better balance during tricky sexual positions.

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  6. Ahhhh, ok. And here I always thought that's what the heavy-duty eyebolts in the ceiling were for. Silly me.

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  7. Angie6:27 AM

    Virgil, this is the first time I am reading your blog. It has had me in stitches all morning, simply fantastic!
    Weary hag: You are spot on. I USED TO BE one of those women who ask those questions just to watch men squirm. If you extend it to the area of my cooking, then the possibilites are endless! Essentially guys, the truth shall set you free.

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  8. JV, for the first time ever, I am going to disagree with you, gasp!! Not all guys are indifferent to home decor. OK, I am not saying that heterosexual men in any way have good taste regarding the matter, but sometimes they care. Case in point, my husband.....he drives me crazy about the issue. We recently re-did my daughter's bedroom. I sent him to Lowes with a sample card to get the paint mixed. I had picked out the whole decor with my daughter and the walls were to be sort of a lilac shade. He made the decision on his own to pick a different color once he arrived a Lowes and then, because he is a cheap bastard as well, refused to go back and buy the right color. So now her walls are Crayola Purple.....sigh.....
    And...if anything little acoutrement in our house is not to his liking...(decorative pillows, candles, vases, nicnacs, etc) he picks them up and throws them in the storage room in our basement. I go and get it back out, he puts it backin storage, it never ends. He pisses me off! I wish I had a man who would lie to me and just let me do my thing. Oh and he has a freaking fit when I put a nail holes in the walls. Jerk!

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  9. Oh and I almost forgot, my husband does not hold back in any way with the truth on those "How do I look in this?" questions. He tells me all the time straight out that my ass is fat. Bastard!

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  10. Just for the record I am both a woman and heterosexual and I HATE, HATE, HATE decorative pillows. In fact, on our bed, there are only 3 pillows (as I sleep with one and my husband sleeps with 2) and half the time those 3 don't even have pillowcases. That's how little of a shit I give about pillows. So there!

    Seriously though, most women do like them and it baffles me as well. I don't get it.

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  11. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VGJiKgpWqk

    This post forces me to share this scene from Coupling (the BBC version). (Not spam, and not a rickroll, I promise.)

    Love your blog.

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  12. There are so many things I want to say about this (I know it's old, but I'm playing catch up!)...

    I'm going to have to think more and write my own blog response.

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  13. Oh boy, now i have to go re-watch Coupling! I love that show!

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  14. Does anyone want some pillows?

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  15. Sadly, you are right about this. It is so hard being a woman! We really do want and value your opinions, but dang if it can't crush us when you have no intentions of doing so. It is so sad.

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