2/28/07

Site Meter and the kindness of strangers.

So since I have nothing else to post about right now, I've decided once again to let Site Meter be my guide. I've culled the best searches for the last couple of weeks, and in the space of ten minutes, wrote the first things that came to mind. If it's sub-par, well...that's the way it goes. Everyone is allowed an off day once in a while. So without further ado, I present:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site

how do I know if I've lost a tampon? - I need more information before I can help you. For instance, I need to know if you think you lost it on the inside, or if you think you lost it on the outside. Obviously, one situation is a lot easier to assist with than the other. If you've lost it on the inside, you could quite possibly require the help of a medical professional or a really close friend. In either case they will probably need rubber gloves, a headlamp and a pair of tongs to find it. If you've lost it on the outside, just listen for the sound of the people in the mall puking when you walk by. Carefully watch where they point, and follow their fingers. You should find it quite easily.

Wide Labia - Luckily, this is no longer a problem for you. I have contacted a vehicle sign manufacturer, and they are now producing these in quantity:



Demand has been heavy, so if they're out of stock don't be surprised. Just backorder it and tell'em Johnny sent you. (I'm making a killing on these things.)

what happens if I leave a hernia? - Most of the time, it will follow you, even if you have a restraining order against it. Hernias tend to be clingy and quite needy - they don't do well on their own. And once you finally do get rid of them, they have a 20% chance of coming back when you least expect it. At least that's what my doctor told me 10 years ago. So far so good.

how to wear a butt plug - There are many, many ways to wear a buttplug. Wait, no there isn't. It's a BUTT PLUG. In other words, A PLUG. For your BUTT. YOU SHOVE IT IN YOUR BUTT to PLUG IT. I'm not sure I'm helping you at all here, but if not, my advice is to kill yourself because you clearly don't know your ass from...well, anything really.

I hate it when you stare at me when i type... it makes me want to shoot you in the eyeballs. -- Holy crap, I must have been sleep-surfing and found my own blog. I have no idea what it is with people who like to read your screen over your shoulder, but they drive me insane, whether or not I'm actually typing at the time.

what makes a good rapper? - Let's see. All available information points to:

1. Street cred. (This can be in the form of bullet wound scars, doing time, wearing a kevlar vest, being arrested for unlawful possession/and or usage of a firearm, being arrested for unlawful possession/and or usage of drugs, being arrested for unlawful possession/and or usage of an underage girl.)

2. An ability to form nonsense words, and mangle actual words into forms never before heard by man.


3. A good sense of rhythm and timing.

4. Bling.


5. The ability to run quickly away from the po po while not tripping over the crotch of your own pants.

6. A violent disposition.

7. A sense of humor so you don't hunt down Johnny Virgil and shoot him in the face.

how to fuck sandra lee - I suggest starting with a good stalking. Once she is aware that she has an actual fan, you should have no problem after that. Of course, doing it on the kitchen counter will probably get old, but....

why does my septic tank stink? - Hey. Genius. Yeah, you. Come closer. You might not know this, but that tank? It's full of 3-5 year old shit. Take that little clue and run with it.

can doctors check for hernia by grabbing your balls and asking you to cough?- If you are in prison, then yes. Yes they can. People in prison can also call themselves anything they want. "Doctor" for instance.

just ordinary tits - Here is a weary soldier in the war on unnatural porn. All he wants, by god, is just ordinary tits. Instead, he finds page after page of artificially enhanced globes that defy gravity. Just ordinary tits. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, it is, since you ended up on my blog.

stuffed Lorax - You know, I've been to Suess's restaurant, and the stuffed Lorax is fan-foreskin-tastic. It melts in your mouth like filet of North-going Zax, and I am not even kidding.

Nut sack man is wanting my beautiful nut sack, I am scarred, I always watch over my back and see that he is there, Taunting me with a big knife, I know that he is not playin. - I have no advice to give except this: Run. Run from the nut sack man as if your nut sack depended on it --because it does, my friend. It does.

Italian men who look like women - I think you have a far, far better chance of finding Italian women who look like men. Just sayin'.

Yeah, so I didn't even bother to reorder them for comedic effect. Take that.

13 comments:

  1. (bows down to your blogging powers)

    I never get such entertaining searches in my site meter.. ever

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  2. Hee hee, *sigh*... oh, bless those poor people and their bizarre search terms. I love them, I really do... because the stupid ones need the most love.

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  3. I am absolutely terrified by nut sack man. Both that one might exist (and I don't even have a nut sack-I mean I do, but I keep it in my desk drawer at home) and also that someone actually typed that out into a search engine. Maybe this person read your advice on what makes a good rapper and started typing out lyrics to his new rap in Word, but accidentally typed it in the Google search box.

    P.S. Right now I am laughing hysterically picturing 50 Cent writing out his rap songs in Word.

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  4. Here's to another 2 years of random searches!

    *Pours a 40 out for his friends who lost their nutsack to the nutsack man*

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  5. I had to pretend I had a coughing fit when I read the nutsack one, because I just *couldn't* contain my laughter. And I'm at work and don't want to get fired.

    See, you're funny even when you do't try very hard.

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  6. Holy hell, I love it when you do these posts.

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  7. And I found out everything I needed to know about stuffed Loraxes, thank you.

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  8. Now mind you I've imbibed no less than three Gin & Tonic's by this point, but I was laughing, quite literally, out loud with mirth and merriments as I read this one.

    My hat, a fedora; old man hat to go with my old man drink, goes off to you sir.

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  9. easy reader5:20 AM

    oh my gawd...I had to stifle all the laughs as I don't wanna wake up the bear and cub..but oh my gawd..way too funny...

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  10. Scotty, G&Ts aren't an old man's drink. Don't you know 60 is the new 30?

    I love tanqueray.

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  11. Sex with Sandra Lee, in the kitchen, on the table, under the sink, bent over with her head in the fridge,smeared with jello, no wonder they call her show "Semi Home Made", Made her do it here, there, and everywhere

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  12. are you going to dress up as nut sack man next halloween??

    because I will pay you for a photo.

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  13. my most interesting result from the sitemeter was shirley temple love do porn. i was pretty proud of that until i read about Nutsack Man. apparently, i have been writing about all the wrong things! you're hilarious.

    ReplyDelete