Search and Rescue 2007

I need one more picture of a particular mailbox before I subject you to that upcoming post, and I really didn't want to get all introspective on your asses again, since the guys would be all like, "He sucks now. He's all sensitive and shit. What a pussy." and the girls would be all like "Eww...he's so Nicholas Sparks these days, only less hot and not rich." With that in mind, I'm going to go neutral, and lean on Site-Meter for this post. Yes, that's right -- it's time for:

Fantastic Searches that Somehow Led People To My Site

my testicles are the size of coconuts and I shoot fire from my ass - Oh, man. I'm so sorry. No, wait. On second thought, I think I'm jealous. That shit right there will get you noticed. You can't be all shy and introverted when you are shooting fire from your ass. The coconuts balls are just a bonus.

conversation starters undescended testicle - If you're looking for ways to mingle at a party, I have some better suggestions. Try talking about: The weather, what you do for a living, hobbies, favorite television shows, even music. If, however, you've already done that bit and you've found someone who wants you to drive her home and you're desperately trying to come up with a way to tell her about your recalcitrant nut, you might want to say, "Hey, by the way, one of my boys is still hiding. You want to try to coax him out on the way back to your place?" because that always works.

tiny weenie guys - I think I am insulted that you found my blog with this search. On the other hand, it does go to show that Google Knows All. John and Shamus were also on that list, so I don't feel so bad. I was before them, true, but I'll take what I can get.

how many feet does quikrete cover? - It really depends on the size of the feet, and of course the weight of the body. If you are dumping the body in the ocean, you don't need that much coverage. Between the sharks and the depth, you'll be fine with 4 feet per washtub. (That's two bodies, unless you're creative.) A river is a different story completely. River, you want to use a 55 gallon drum.

why does my saliva smell like shit? - You have to ask yourself a few questions to get to the bottom of this one. (1) Have you been eating shit lately? If no, then (b) have you pissed off your roommate to the point where he's doing something with your toothbrush on a daily basis?

How does a male person felt when he was stranded alone inside a circus Trailer in a Circus Town and when he was lock inside he was surprised to be alone with two Circus clown girls who were wearing with two beautiful Circus Ladies - I'm only guessing here because I've never been with two beautiful ladies or girls at the same time, circus or otherwise. But my thought here is that two circus clown girls wearing with two circus ladies would really have to quadruple your fun. There's squirting flowers, honking noses, colored scarves from all sorts of places...I think I'm going to have to go with "Like he died and went to heaven." Also, if this male person happens to be you, you might want to skip the oral because I hear clown girls taste funny. (I'm here all week, folks. Tip your waitresses!)

turkey bukkake - I saw this recipe on a japanese porn site once, and it is safe to say that I will not be coming over to your house for dinner. Ever.

how to build a house out of wooden pallets - Holy shit, I really have no idea. But I will put you in touch with my neighbors and alla y'all can work something out.

how do I stop smelling of pee in the morning - (1) Stop peeing on yourself. If that's not the problem and in fact someone other than you is peeing on you, then (2) Find a girlfriend/boyfriend with a different, less urine-intensive fetish. And don't come back here all "How do I stop smelling of sour cream and chives in the morning" either.

my wife's problematic labia - Ah, this was my favorite show when I was a kid. I wasn't born early enough to catch them the first time around, but I loved the reruns. All the labial hi-jinks! I was excited when I heard that it was finally out on DVD.

The special features and outtakes are a riot.


  1. Anonymous9:11 PM

    I just gotta wonder what prompts people to google things like that in the first place ....once again, I leave your blog wearing a huge grin...hope your New Year brings peace, hope and happiness to you and yours...

  2. Wow, those are impressive bro.
    I'm gonna try that pallet house thing.

  3. Anonymous10:00 PM

    "conversation starters undescended testicle" dude is just asking for frankenjunk. Just sayin'.

  4. This has nothing to do with Google or anything else in your post--I just wanted to tell you I like the new picture of you in your profile.

  5. Anonymous10:54 PM

    First, you gotta stop imagining that your female readers get all squishy reading your stuff when you get philosophical. You're a cool writer, but...eeewww...let's don't go there. Second, I would give nearly anything if I could only remember what I put in Google that led me to your blog. I'm eternally grateful, but completely in the dark.

  6. But..but...I *like* to imagine that. Thanks for pulling the rug out UB. Thanks a lot. You are the Lucy to my charlie brown.

    Miriam, that is supposed to be the naked sword shot - I'm not sure what happened....

  7. Anonymous6:38 AM

    Don't screw with my Beaver!!!

  8. Anonymous8:27 AM

    1 - the circus thing...I'm speechless. I don't even know what to say about that.

    2 - OMG your My Wife's Problematic Labia tv show graphic...most hilarious thing ever. God I love you.

  9. Anonymous10:24 PM

    uh, hugh janus subjected me to the intricacies of bukkake this past fall. i'm so pleased that he's branching out with the turkey variety now. he's so creative.

  10. The new picture looks more like you.

  11. thanks, miriam. I may change it up once in a while. There's really no point to anonymity at this stage, since it's pretty easy to figure out who I work with from the blog. If there was a witchhunt, there's not much I could do about it.

    Danielle - I'm so sorry. That just sounds wrong. But regardless I wish I had been there.

    Deb -- I have no idea, and you too.

    Jerk - let me know how you make out. If you need any used Tyvek, let me know.

    Sarah -- I love you too, baby. Don't get all squishy on me now.

    AG - You sound too angry. You're scaring my circus girls.

    KP - I used to think any grab was a good grab, but no more.