On Reflection*

I know everyone thinks they have good taste -- even though they mostly don't.

Luckily, my wife and I share the same taste in decorating -- not too modern, not too "country" -- maybe a bit too much toward the antiques-and-farmhouses side of things. I say that simply to enforce the fact that normally, I am OK with whatever home decorations my wife wants to indulge in.

I will admit that I like things less cluttered than she does (my office/music room/library notwithstanding). I don't like knickknacks on tables and counters. In the kitchen, for instance, I am not a fan of decorative bottles of olive oil that you will never, ever open and use, or fancy bottles of assorted sizes with absolutely nothing in them that just sit there looking pretty and take up valuable counter space.

That holds true in the bathroom as well. Our bathroom isn't too bad in that regard -- most of what's in there serves a useful purpose. Magazine rack: check. Candles and air-fresheners: check. Toothbrush holder and soap dispenser: check.

It's when we get to the back of the toilet that I have a problem. Here is the current decorating scheme:

I know what you're all thinking. "That's not too bad," you say inside your heads. Or maybe outside your heads if you've been living alone for a while.

But let me break it down for you.

Everyone reading this knows what the Kleenex is for -- it's mostly there for when you don't realize there's no toilet paper until it's too late. At least that's my theory, which has been proven to be true on multiple occasions. But the mirror? I'm not really clear on that. I suppose if you were a woman, you might want to check your makeup while sitting on the pot. I'm sure it's been done, however not being a woman and generally not wearing makeup, I've never tried it. That's not the problem, however.

The problem is this:

If you are between 5'6" and 5'10"* and standing where one would normally stand to take a piss, you have a pretty good chance of getting a free show -- one in which your penis gets top billing.

That is not a show I want to see on a regular basis. Or on any basis for that matter. It's bad enough I have to look down at it for control purposes, but I don't feel the need to simultaneously cover two different angles. I'm peeing, not creating performance art.

One Thanksgiving, my brother Houdini came back after a trip to the bathroom looking a little disconcerted. He walked over to me and asked quietly, "So what's with the dick mirror?" I just shrugged, pointed toward the kitchen, and told him to go ask my wife.

I am tempted to put a sticker on it that says "WARNING: OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE LARGER THAN THEY APPEAR" just to make myself feel better. I also recently discovered that there is a magnifying mirror on the other side, so for obvious reasons I keep flipping it around. My wife keeps flipping it back. I'm not sure why.

I am taking a little break for about a week, so I'll see you all after the intermission. And if you can stand to do it one last time, go here and vote for me. It's the last couple hours. Thanks for helping me win the $50 (I'm jumping the gun a bit, here but...). Now help me decide where to donate it.

*The title of this post comes from a Gentle Giant song. The lyrics are not intended to be penis-related.
*or over 6' and particularly well-endowed


  1. Hahaha! Dick mirror.

    I really need to follow my own advice and visit the restroom before I start reading your stuff.

    By the way, I have an EXCELLENT idea* for where you can donate your winnings.

    * (warning, shameless whoring attempt to raise money for a great cause)~Saving 2nd Base~

  2. What a conversation piece!

    I especially liked the comment of "objects in the mirror are closer than they appear"


  3. Dick mirror...i see why you won on that voting thing. Thats how i found you... I was actually originally voting for Redacted. oh well lol

  4. Good God I love you.

  5. RE:
    I know everyone thinks they have good taste -- even though they mostly don't.

    Truth is I know I don't have good taste. Oh well. Very very very funny post though.

    I'll vote for you (you've earned it). You might need it before long since somehow redacted has gained almost 100 votes in the last 6 hours.

  6. Anonymous6:02 PM

    Funny, I thought guys enjoyed looking at themselves from every possible angle. I mean they seem to like touching themselves from every possible angle so it seemed logical.
    You would hate my kitchen. There are misc. bottles everywhere, i'm italian, it's required.

    Have a nice hiatus.

  7. Man, this post cracked me up, especially the dick mirror part. I could tell you exactly why your wife has that mirror there and exactly why she keeps turning it back around, but I'd have to leave an essay size comment.

  8. I'm gonna put one of those on our toilet just to fuck with people.

    Thanx for the good idea!

    (ok and OMG you're too funny as ALWAYS!!)

  9. So did you win???
    I checked last night at about 11:45 PM and you were still ahead, but the guy behind you was gaining votes incredibly fast. I guess if they cut it off at midnight EST, then you probably won.

  10. Stopping by to say hi...didn't want you to feel left out :-)

  11. lol... my roommate and i did this in college. she had a tall skinny brass trimmed mirror that cracked on the bottom. i thought it looked great when we put it behind the toilet. very classy.

    her boyfriend came over and after using the bathroom, informed us it wasn't the best decorating concept where guys were concerned.

    back in college there was so much i didn't know about men or life.

  12. I couldn't comment on this yesterday because I was at work and I'm trying to cut back on blogging at work. But I'm reading posts from my Google reader because it's how I roll. Anyway, I was howling in laughter from reading this. the dick mirror line is what pushed me over the edge.

  13. Anonymous5:54 AM

    Seriously... I'm going to get a mirror like that next time I'm in a bed and bath shop. Just to confuse my husband.

  14. LOL! They might be right. U might actually be funnier than your competition, Dan Murphy from [redacted].

  15. Congrats, JV. Looks like you did win!!!
    Now what have you decided to do with the $50?
    You could put it toward the stairs, or towards radio thing for pick-up truck dude.
    Or you could take your wife out on a date.

  16. Hope you actually did win, JV! You could always invest in a mirror on the wall to render the need for the dick mirror with the $50, no?

  17. I found you because of [Redacted] as well. You seriously give Dan a run for his money on this whole hilarity issue. Like the use of the Gentle Giant song. Also, does the name Johnny Virgil come from Kevin Gilbert? Just wondering. Peace out.

    PS Consider yourself added to my blog list.

  18. I am crying laughing. That just built and built perfectly. The dick mirror comment made me defy multiple laws of physics by now spitting the Guinness all over the place.

  19. AHHH! By NOT spitting ...

    (I hate when that happens)

  20. Lol "dick Mirror!"

  21. Tim, yes - I am a kevin gilbert freak. He pissed me off so much. Such a waste.

    Ima, A good friend of mine is a BC survivor, so that's not a bad idea.

    sneaky, sailor - thanks

    sarah - who loves ya baby? God, that's who.

    Bob, thanks for the vote. Sorry about your taste, man.

    Alex, I don't mind a good bottle collection as long as you keep it on the windowsill where it belongs.

    Nicole, not a bad idea, although I did say I would donate the 50 bucks somewhere....

  22. Good to have you back, JV! I missed you. I had to read other people's blogs all week, what a drag!

  23. I was reading this at work and I laughed so hard I couldn't answer the phone when it range.

  24. Anonymous5:26 PM

    That was so freaking hilarous! You are really good!