I would like a camp on a lake, please.

Last weekend my friend and I spent all day Saturday replacing the ghetto stairs. We ended up having to construct the new stairs in the empty stairwell because we figured out that they wouldn't come up from the basement -- or in from outside -- if they were in one piece. It's a long, boring story that has to do with modular houses and the way they are bolted together in the center.

My legs and shoulders were sore for two days, all from squatting like a constipated troll on a narrow platform under the stairs and hammering in 60 or so wedges at impossibly weird angles. These angles, incidentally, resulted in me pounding the living shit out of my own hand approximately 97 times. Anyway, they're done:



My wife and I returned from a week's vacation on Friday, and I have a lot of stories that I will, in the not too distant future, attempt to weave into amusing tales for your reading pleasure. We had a lot of fun exploring a couple of different lakes around upstate NY and Vermont, and had almost perfect weather all week.

I still have vacation head, so it's going to take me a while to get back into this blogging thing. In the meantime, I have two questions for you.

One, wouldn't it suck if you were this guy and you had a tiny wiener?

And two, why the hell didn't they sell these things when I was a kid in high school?

For full comedic effect, read the "Feature" list out loud using a fake chinese accent, paying close attention to the creative punctuation.

Remember, more than a handful in wasted.


  1. I am beyond impressed with those stairs. They look fantastic!! Really!!
    Your wife owes you, BIG TIME!!!

  2. Man, I need to make sure that I am really done before I hit publish on these comments.
    In effort to remain the classy and tasteful broad that I am....I have to not answer your questions.

  3. Okay, I tried. I really tried to read it in a Chinese accent (hard to do, btw, being from Texas and all) but I still can't get past BOUNCE IT. WTF does that mean?

    Great stairs, actually. Can you come here and help me fix the step from my garage to my house?

  4. Ah, to feel life-like. A goal we all should strive toward, dontcha think?

  5. Those stairs look EXCELLENT. Are you and your friend for hire? I have a set that needs to get done pronto.

    Looking forward to the vacation story.

  6. Nice job on the stairs and the description of working on them. I could almost picture the constipated troll, but it seemed like something was missing. Then, I recalled your weird morphed pictures and it all came together in a really disgusting way. Perfect for stopping that mid-morning vending machine crave.

    I see you're doing Boob Week (or at least Boob Day), too? I had to use text visuals instead of an actual replica.

  7. Isn't every day boob day?

  8. Anonymous4:40 PM

    Do they come buy one get one free? Nice stairs, I like a man who's good with his hands.

  9. Anonymous5:30 AM

    Constipated trolls and vacation head are some of my favorite things!

  10. Awesome stairs, JV!

    Poor ol' Hugh Johnson. What were his parents thinking?! At least his last name's not Jasshole. That'd be awful. :)

  11. Are you telling me you didn't have titballs when you were a kid? Maybe they just didn't have titballs where you were a kid? 'cause they sure had titballs when I was a kid. Or maybe it's just that there were titballs around where I was a kid? No, 'cause I think the first time I saw titballs was in a catalogue. Then again, there was a store that sold titballs, I remember seeing titballs at that one store when I was a kid. (I really enjoy typing "titballs.")

  12. 1. Great stairs.
    2. Hugh Johnson is better than Les Johnson. Isn't it?
    3. Welcome back.

  13. Wow, JV! Those stairs look awesome!

    And I'm with Cruiser...BOUNCE IT? HUH?

  14. Cruiser - the word for both jiggle and bounce in Chinese is "tiao" (跳), the exact meaning is determined by compounds words and / or context.

    But I like "bounce it" better. Think opening credits of Baywatch.

  15. I forgot - "tiao" also means "jump". "Jump it" is even better!

  16. Anonymous9:08 PM

    The stairs look awesome!

    The boob just looks weird.

    Hope you enjoyed your vacation!

  17. "good breast ball!" Bwuahahaa!

    Wow - I'll fifth the "great stairs" comment. Gorgeous. Was it all worth it? I'd think so.

  18. Lookit John the scientist doing one of those "the more you know" commercials! complete with the symbol. A genuine scientist to the last.

    and yeah the stairs were definitely worth it. To my wallet, anyway, if not my back.

  19. My friend had 3 of those boobs and juggled with them.