Google Me

Those of you who have been hanging around here for a while know that occasionally I post the Site-Meter searches that lead people to my blog. Over the years, I seem to have become a magnet for strange searches that revolve around topics such as Flava Flav (I mentioned him ONE TIME, for god's sake), butt plugs, and all things scrotum. I am fairly certain that most of that is due to me publishing the questions that lead people here, and my subsequent advice for those searchers. It's a vicious and disturbing cycle, but most of the time it's a fun one. I haven't done this in a while, so it's time. Without further ado, I present:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site

A butt plug out dancing -- I'm assuming here that you are not actually looking for a butt plug out dancing, but just in case there's a 3% chance that you are:

I'm 97% sure that you're searching Google to see if perhaps wearing a butt plug out dancing is a good or bad thing to do, and whether anyone will be the wiser. I am no expert, having never actually worn a butt plug, however not being an expert has never prevented me from giving you advice in the past and today is no different. I've found that you can usually tell which dancer has the butt plug just by paying close attention to facial expressions. For instance, take a look at this picture:

Can you spot the person wearing the butt plug? Look closely at the facial expressions. They are a dead giveaway. In case you're having trouble, I've gone ahead and labeled the picture for you:

(Note: Zombie chicks are also easy to pick out once you learn how. Hint: check the eyes.)

how do I know how big of a butt plug I can take? -- Well, again I have to say I'm no expert, but I would size it like you size a ring at the jewelers, only in reverse. Instead of sliding the ring down the cone until it stops, you shove the cone into the ring until it stops. Then you just have a really good friend read off the number.

what do to when your husband is looking at transvestites -- My advice is to spend this private time wisely. I suggest using it to draw up the divorce papers.

why do your testicles hang so low in the morning after sleeping naked -- I was not aware that this was a problem for people. Do you sleep hanging from the ceiling like some sort of giant bat, by chance? Because that's about the only way I can see this being an issue. Even then, I am pretty sure there would have to be ropes and weights involved. I suggest maybe looking into a sackectomy. Maybe you could have the excess made into a nice wallet.

I have black moles on my penis -- I suggest you try some of this:

too big for my rectum -- I think you are onto something here. This totally sounds like the beginning of a country song title, and it just needs to be finished up. Picture Jay Leno introducing Clay Aiken. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Clay Aiken singing "Too Big for My Rectum, Too Small for My Heart." See? Perfect.

stinging nettles on labia -- Ow. I don't even have a labia and this hurts me. Rule number one: If you are in an environment which may include stinging nettles, keep your labia covered at all times. Rule number two: For f*ck's sake, see rule number one and put that thing away. No good can come of waving it around.

piano teacher cut my labia -- I suggest you immediately find a different piano teacher. Perhaps we need to amend Rule number one to include locations with stinging nettles and also pianos.

baking soda and the vagina -- I believe I can help you here. I think you just need to know the full title of the book before you'll be able to narrow down your search. I can only assume you are looking for the new publication entitled "Baking Soda and the Vagina - A Retrospective" by Arm & Hammer. It's fascinating stuff. I was honored to have contributed this post to the first chapter.

what causes a guppy to swim upside down? -- Usually, it's a serious health condition called Death, and as far as I know, there is no cure.

do men wash their ass? -- Speaking as a man, I would have to say that yes, as a general rule, we do. I personally wash my ass at least twice a day, whether it needs it or not. Now, as with all things, there are exceptions to the rule. In this case, there is a particular subset of men who attend professional conferences like Lotusphere the IBM Advisor conference, and these men tend to NOT wash their ass. Avoid going to these conferences if at all possible.

please help dogs testicles turned black really worried -- I am of absolutely no use to you on this matter, since I do not have a dog, let alone one with black testicles. I will say this however -- I'll bet you're not half as worried as your dog is.

That's it for today, ladies and gentlemen. I'm off to write the lyrics to that Clay Aiken song I was telling you about. Wish me luck, and keep an eye out for me at this year's CMT awards ceremony.


  1. "For f*ck's sake, see rule number one and put that thing away. No good can come of waving it around."

    You made me pee my pants, JV! And that picture of the dancing butt plug stuff? Holy hell..."who stole my buttplug?"...you are awesome.

    You got another vote for me tonight,, but if you win, you better use that money for something awesome. Not for some good cause. Screw that noise!

  2. From me...you got another vote from me...damn I suck at proofreading.

  3. I didn't notice the butt plug silhouette until I saw it on my feeds page. Um. You're insane. I mean that in the most complimentary way possible.

  4. About those lyrics... I expect to read them.

  5. why do your testicles hang so low in the morning after sleeping naked

    I gave that a little thought. Now if you are hanging upside down and your testicles are hanging particularly low and you have a cat... now then I think you might be concerned how low they are hanging. Otherwise I just say showoff.

    Love the dancing butt plug. Oh and, by chance, do you have the zombie chicks phone number?

  6. -The Guppy comment-

    AHHAHHAHAHAHAHA I love your dry humor so much it hurts.

    Oh lord I hope it was a retarded adult and not some kid. Ah well if it was a kid I'm sure he learned a few things.

  7. I'm here by way of ARM ... you are hilarious! And I love how the first picture you have of people dancing (the cartoon one) has a but plug on the side.

  8. This blog is awesome!!! I got my husband hooked on it too.
    We are both into your type of humor. You should write a book, I would most defintely buy it.

  9. Anonymous6:52 PM

    Question. Is a butt plug's purpose for sexual excitement, or is it for plugging up an area that has been perhaps...overused? Hmmm... I bet if I google that, I'll be right back here again...

  10. Jeez! I've learned so much from these posts, JV.

  11. Anonymous9:12 PM

    "Too Big for My Rectum, Too Small for My Heart."

    That is an internet classic, Johnny. Keep up the funny shit.

  12. Holy shit. You are way too funny dude. Stop it! Give me some of your funniness, you stingy bastard funny miser.

    I found you via Ima Bitch ... oops ... Ima Wordsmithbitch. Or something.

  13. Arm - thanks for the vote

    ima - yeah. my wife tells me that all the time.

    Krissie - soon. Almost done

    Barman - after I wrote it I thought about it too. I figured hanging upside down wouldn't be any different than being rightside up. Also, I think we need to stop talking about this. Oh, her number is 1-800-IMUNDED.

    Lindy - I didn't know I had dry humor. I'll have to get some moisturizer.

    Airam, Nicole - thanks. If I ever write a book I will let you know. ha

    KP - I am clearly no expert, since I only use my butt for sitting and for shitting. That's it.

    Fiar and Dan, thanks. Dan, your blog is amazing. I saw one post had 334 comments. Holy crap.

  14. After reading through a bit of your archives, it seems that you must be fairly interested in knowing how people have come to be readers of your blog. I hope you do not mind if I share my process to finding this blog.
    My life is really boring. I am a wife and a stay at home mom. My only sources of entertainment are reading books, scrapbooking, and blogging. I belong to a scrapbook message board that is really straight laced. I mean, they have a daily devotional on there for goodness sake. They have it set up to automatically edit out any bad words. I had the word idiot edited out of one of my posts. No one ever told me that idiot was a bad word. Or maybe it is only bad if you are using it to describe your husband?? The members are a bunch of grannies and mommies. The topics range from crafting, to menopausal issues, to what brand of deoderant we use. Exciting right??? Although I have not finished with your archives, I am sure that none of these things are your topics of choice.
    So a lady posted a message asking what sites are in everyone's favorites or bookmarks. Another lady responded with the address to your blog, that's all, no description as to what the content of the blog might be. The post them morphed into how hilarious your blog is, which post everyone liked the best, how they nearly pee'd in their pants while reading it.
    So now all of us boring ole' mommies sit around scrapbooking, reading your blog. How sick is that??
    Oh and PS, I hope you don't mind, but I tagged your blog as the funniest blog ever on my blog.

  15. nicole, that's hilarious. Thanks for sharing.

  16. Someone once found me by googling 'arse raped by the boss'. I was disturbed. Then I found that I was number one on the google search list. Mum would be so proud.

  17. The dancing butt plug picture is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

  18. I am trapped, reading through your archives, when time permits. This made me cry I was laughing so hard.

    1. Thank you. I do see all the comments on the old posts, so if you see anything out of whack (like the colors on this post, which were a holdover from a dark background on a previous template) let me know!