Elvis would have tufts of ear hair.

I saw an article this week talking about how this University in the UK used some program they've developed to "age" a picture of Elvis in order to find out what he would look like today if he were still alive. It turns out that he would look a lot like the illegitimate love child of Powers Boothe and Ernest Borgnine:

It also turns out that a variation of the program used by the researchers at said university is available online.

Upon seeing this, I decided to see what I would look like in another few years when I turn 72.

I worked my way through the menus and followed all the instructions --moving ovals over my eyes and mouth, answering questions about the shape of my head, and giving away other seemingly innocuous information that I can only assume will be one day used to steal my identity.

After all that, did I get to see what I'd look like when I'm 72?

No, of course not. "Old age" was not one of the choices.

I could, however, see what I would look like as: (1) a baby (2) a west-asian (3) drunk (4) an El Greco painting (5) a japanese anime character (6) a black man, and lastly (7) 50% chimp.

OK, University of St. Andrews, WTF? You're telling me that Half-Chimp is a choice, but "old guy" isn't?

On the other hand, who hasn't at one time or another looked into a mirror and thought, "I wonder what I would look like as a half-chimpanzee?"

Anyway, I ran this picture through their available filters and...well, the results were disturbing, to say the least. You may get sick. You may pee your pants laughing. You may do both simultaneously. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Without further ado, let the games begin.

This first shot is what I would look like if I were some sort of freak baby mutie. The hills definitely have eyes. Picture me gnawing on your calf for the full effect:

As a west-asian, this is what I would look like while relaxing between Islamic rages. You are all filthy infidels:

In this next photo -- according to the computer program -- I am drunk. Apparently being drunk makes my eyes really shiny and my teeth glow with an unholy white light. Maybe I should stay drunk all the time:

This next one is me if I had posed for El Greco. Someone should check to see if he is really dead, because for some reason, everyone he paints resembles Nosferatu:

In this next one, I am supposed to look like a japanese anime, however I think I look more like Hank Azaria after he gnawed his way out of a 50lb. sack of espresso beans:

Here you can see I bear a striking resemblance to Lionel Ritchie -- that is if Lionel Ritchie had blue eyes, straight hair, and a dirty nose:

Last but certainly not least, this shows you what I would look like if my mom had married a chimp. Or maybe if she had actually been a chimp. I'm not sure if they based the "half-chimp filter" on the maternal or paternal side. You be the judge:

It looks like slightly more than "half" chimp to me, but hey -- chimp is like cowbell, am I right?

I still don't know what I'll look like at age 72, but I guess with a little luck I can wait it out.


  1. I only peed myself from laughing so hard. Holy hell that shit is funny and now I know what I'm going to be doing the rest of this Sunday night.

    The El Greco one got to me the most...damn you are too funny.

  2. Oh geez man!!! You just scared my daughter!!! She was standing behind me when I loaded your page. We just went to the zoo last week, so she said that "half ape" you looked like the gorilla who was eating his own vomit in his cage....and I am not kidding, it was really gross!!!
    She and I both agreed that "normal" you is the best one.
    But the baby one is pretty funny. I've never seen a baby with facial hair though.....

  3. Dude, it just dawned on me. You look like Luke Duke in the west asian picture.

  4. Wow!!! That baby pic ... a face only a mother could love. A mother who was an ape.


    Great post!

  5. Jebus, Johnny.

    I think you just broke my heart.

    Sorry about that, JVWife, it's just how I'm feelin' at the moment.

    MrWurdi, if you're reading this, please don't ever do this.

  6. My eyes! My eyes! I should've stopped at the first pic of you. (hey, you're pretty cute, btw) That baby picture disturbed me most of all. I'm going to have to think of rainbows and kittens before I try to sleep tonight.

  7. Hey JV
    I had a chance to look at that website today. I really like the Boticelli version of me, better than the real thing. I changed my picture.

  8. Anonymous1:21 PM

    Yeah. You broke me. I'm still crying from laughing.

  9. Anonymous6:47 PM

    Ok. Now the only thing missing is that you need to go to www.simpsonizeme.com Then the transformations will be complete.

  10. Hey Johnny, fellow Canadian. You are hilarious! You shoud write a book...I'd read it!

  11. arm, you have to post them.

    nicole p - (1) I don't eat vomit, my own or otherwise...also good call on the luke duke. I never knew he was west asian.

    Airam, my mother wasn't an ape or a mutie, but that baby pic scared me.

    Ima, I'm sorry I busicated one of your major internal organs. How did I accomplish such a feat?

    Cruisermel, That's quite a coincidence. Kittens were one of my favorite foods when I was that age.

    Lindy -- I have been feeling slightly warm all afternoon. I may have a bug.

    Nessa -- I take no responsibility.

    KP - I tried that once and I couldn't come up with anything even remotely close. I guess I just don't translate well to yellow.

    Katherine, I will hold you to that statement. So when I call you at 2am and ask you why you haven't purchased my book yet, don't go yelling at me.

  12. Elvis looks a bit like Ben Franklin, and as for the El Greco pic, it could have been worse. It could have been Picasso in his cubist period.

    I just found your blog while checking my new Blogger Interview and bookmarked it. Very cool stuff here.

  13. West Asian or not, I have no idea. But what I do know is that Luke Duke is a babe!!! I actually met him once, totally randomly in the middle of the night in a Subway restaurant inside of a gas station in Maryland. It was about 13 years ago when I was in my partying stage. You know you get hungry after bar hopping and there is nothing open. He was in line in front of me, I remember what he ordered and what kind of car he was driving and that I fell all over myself like a fool!!!
    But anyone born in the late 60's or early 70's would have done the same thing....I mean The Dukes of Hazzard was a big deal!!!

  14. JV: Put me down for a copy of the JV Chronicles.

    I'm also going to vote for you. Again.

  15. It looks like a really bad attempt to document the evolution of man.Too funny.

  16. Anonymous8:39 PM

    JV did you try clicking 'older adult'? I did. *shudder* For some reason my nose got huge.

  17. Anonymous6:29 AM

    Elvis would have a plastic surgeon, no doubt.

    But good lord, those're some seriously hawt pictures. LOL

    First time here! Love the blog!

  18. Holy effing crap on a stick. That monkey one scared the bejesus out of me. I think I dated that guy.

  19. Anonymous5:14 PM

    Does Elvis the later years look a bit like Bill Clinton?

  20. i've been going through your blog for like 2 hours! you're awsome! and yes the pictures definitely terrified me, but i'm hoping it will wear off soon(the laughing helps)babies should not have facial hair. and interesting how in the anime you're nose got tiny, and in the lionel ritchie one you're nose got huge.

  21. Anonymous5:41 PM

    Holy crap! Where have you been all my life. I love this stuff.

  22. Anonymous5:14 PM

    OK I realize that I'm replying to a post that's over a year old but I laughed till I cried and I very nearly pee'd myself.
    That first baby pic set me off and each pic following just made me more hysterical. I may be a little punchy at 3pm on a Friday without much work to do but still this is seriously funny shit!