Fresh from the tap, PETA style.

Every once in a while, someone will send me a link to something and say "Hey! You should blog about this!" and I usually never do. But then a reader named Jen sent me a link to an article. This link was so fantastic, I had to write something. I don't even know what I'm going to write yet, but my thoughts have been churning like butter in my head since I read the story, so we'll have to see what comes out.

First, the article. Go read it, I'll wait. For those of you who don't like to follow links, here's most of the text, excluding the actual letter sent to Ben & Jerry's. Keep in mind this is not from The Onion:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, co-founders of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow's milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman."PETA's request comes in the wake of news reports that a Swiss restaurant owner will begin purchasing breast milk from nursing mothers and substituting breast milk for 75 percent of the cow's milk in the food he serves," the statement says. PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health.

"The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn't make sense," says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. "Everyone knows that 'the breast is best,' so Ben & Jerry's could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk."

"We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child," said a spokesperson for Ben and Jerry's.

Ignoring the fact that the Swiss restaurant owner just traded 3/4 of his normal clientele for a few extra fetishists sitting down to dinner on Saturday night, I will go out on a limb here and give PETA the benefit of the doubt as to whether they are actually serious or not. It could just be a giant tongue-in-cheek publicity stunt, and if so, kudos to the wackos. Having read other articles about PETA, however, I'm not so sure.

Rather than giving you a rational, well-thought-out analysis of PETA's goals and ambitions and the questionable methods they use to achieve them, which you can view at my buddy Dave's blog here, I will instead give you a blow by blow account of my thought processes after I read the article:

Drinking breast milk instead of cow's milk? That's disgusting!

Well, maybe not.

You see what happened right there? I had a visceral, instantaneous reaction to the article that was immediately tempered by the fact that I'm a guy.

Because of that small genderific detail, my mind first went here:

But then I thought: Well, it's not like we'll be getting it straight from the tap or anything. Plus, we're talking massive quantities here -- roughly 520 gallons per cow per year. (Yes, of course I had that statistic in my head.) And cows have a buttload of nipples.

So my brain wandered over here for a bit:

However, I realized genetic engineering doesn't come cheap. Given that, I theorized that U.S. dairy farmers, being a cheap-ass lot, were almost guaranteed to go down this path instead:

At that point, I was almost sure it was a bad idea and that PETA had a squirrel loose in the attic.

Besides, PETA tells us that high volume, industrial dairy farmers are a bunch of greedy bastards and they like to give the cows growth hormone and antibiotics and all sorts of other horrible shit to maximize their milk production, so before you know it, you'd be in this territory:

And then I was back to "That's Disgusting!" -- and also a little sick to my stomach.

I don't even know if that's a man or a woman, but I found the picture when I was looking around on the net and decided that if I had to see it, then you all did too. So you're welcome.

I still don't know if PETA was kidding or serious, but I do know this -- If it ever happens, I am 100% positive that I will be more than happy to pour Mountain Dew on my cornflakes every morning for the rest of my life.

Thank you, PETA, for being you. Don't ever change, Baby. You're glorious.


  1. I read that article also. Love your play by play and the visuals that go along. As always I love your blog, you are too funny! Best, Becs

  2. OMG! That last pic made me throw up in my mouth a little. So, does the thought of drinking human breast milk.

  3. Peta is nuts, period. The only thing I could think of with the picture of the woman with the humungous bazooms is how much her back must hurt. I hope somebody gives her a breast reduction so she can breathe.

  4. Anonymous11:17 PM

    I can just picture all those women, hooked up to breast pumps for 3-4 hours a day. Would they give them magazines to read or videos to watch? Would a boob job be covered under worker's comp because they would eventually sag to their knees like a National Geographic spread? PETA should think these things out before they suggest them.

    If it ever happens, they should make the first batch bubble gum flavored and call it "Boobalicious."

  5. I saw that too. My first thought was "You have GOT to be kidding me!!" But, as you said, with PETA, you just never know...

  6. As usual, PETA haven't really thought this one through. What exactly do they think will happen to the herds of cows when there's suddenly a 75% drop in milk demand? Do they think that the farmers will send them off to a cow retirement village in the country where they can hang out and eat grass for the remainder of their natural lives?
    No, 75% of the herd will be simply taken out back and shot in the head. They probably won't even be sold as meat (I imagine dairy cow meat is probably not that tender compared to the stuff that's bred/grown specially).
    Oh, and I've tried breast milk (we have a 4 week old kid, and after testing the re-warmed, expressed breast milk's temperature on my wrist, I licked it off) and it tastes like low fat milk with sugar added, very sweet.
    Now none of you need to wonder.

  7. Sitting here yelling at my dog to stop trying to chew on the damn cat's head is as close to PETA as I will ever get - especially after reading about this. After wincing a the poor lady with the HUGEST boobs, I came to the conclusion that she must have Furniture Disease. That's when you can't keep your chest from falling into your drawers. (I take no credit for that - I saw it somewhere...) Oh ya - THANKS for the last pic. We felt your pain.

  8. Anonymous2:23 AM

    Oh christ on a cracker.

    *throws up a little*

  9. Now that was just mean. I was eating.

  10. Anonymous5:15 AM

    haven't you learned yet? you should always wait at least 15 minutes after eating before you read 15ML.

    i hear thats where they got the idea for that swimming rule.

  11. Human milk? No thanks. Rickey's cool with cat milk however. That stuff's tasty.

  12. Dude. Between this post and the one below, your blog has become an integral part of my weight-loss plan.

  13. Anonymous8:57 AM

    The whole idea is crazy, and most likely logistically impossible, and PETA is a group of nutjobs, but I can't help but wonder why people's first reaction to human breast milk is, "EW!!" I mean, you're consuming dairy products from COW BOOBS for cripe's sake! I breastfed my daughter for 7 months. I ran out of COW milk one day and actually poured expressed breast milk on my cereal. It was tasty. It's not that much different than cow's milk except it's thinner and sweeter. Plus, there's the added benefit of knowing that there were no added hormones or antibiotics, and I didn't have mastitis like a lot of dairy cows likely do. Think about that for a minute: a little breast infection with your milk, anyone? Yum! Anyway, great post, Johnny. Except for that last picture. Oh, and your whole breast milk phobia. :-)

  14. I know it shouldn't gross me out, but it does. On the other hand, I can't pick up a log and pop a juicy grub into my mouth either, even though it is considered a treat in some countries. I like a good steak once in a while too, but I'm no cannibal.

  15. AAAGGHHHHHH. My eyes! MY EYES!!!!

  16. Tell you what?

    Let's substitute EVERYTHING that's animal based with human substitutes!

    That way, we won't be cruel to the animals anymore!

    We'll butcher prisoners on death row to sell on the meat market..

    Skin them for leather purses and such.. Shoes to die for.. Literally!

    Oh, and the breast milk.. That would just about be nirvana.. If you're a newborn!

    Sometimes I wonder if PETA really thinks these things through, or if they just sit around in their offices smoking pot, and trying to brainstorm all kinds of weird shit.

  17. Anonymous11:31 AM

    They are actually in the midst of a publicity stunt on a Boise radio station right now based on this article - someone is going to make two versions of vanilla ice cream. One will be made with cow milk, the other will be made with human milk. Crazy friggin DJs...

  18. Anonymous12:04 PM

    The whole thing makes me throw up a little...

    All they have to do is make soy milk taste better, and people would be less likely to drink cow milk. OK, maybe not. Whatever.

    And I was having a hard enough time with the people who wanted to make soap with human breast milk instead of goat milk... agh!

  19. I read this article also.
    Wouldn't rice milk or soy milk be a more reasonable suggestion for PETA to make to B & J's?
    After all, Peta is supposed to stand up for the ethical treatment of animals? People are technically animals too. Are they suggesting turning lactating woman into dairy cows?
    Plus, the whole idea is impossible. I breastfed my kids, and it takes at least 1/2 hour to pump out 6 oz. Can you imagine the time it would take to pump enough milk to make ice cream?
    This whole thing idea is just stupid!!

  20. Anonymous12:38 PM

    I never thought I would wish I was blind, even for a little bit...

  21. Wow, and I thought I was lactose intolerant before!

    Comedy Writer Jerry Perisho

  22. Anonymous2:52 PM

    That was better than the JC Penny ad.

    Too funnY!

  23. Anonymous4:02 PM

    I know there are women who belong to PETA...Are You Kidding ME??? You approve this message?

    That last picture is just not right.

  24. You call can help yourselves a big heaping spoonful of Rickey's man-milk.

  25. Anonymous12:40 AM

    It is interesting how the moonbats promote themselves. They will create something that is a joke but play it off as something they are serious about. Then when everyone makes fun of the idea they reply it was just a joke and everyone should lighten up.

    Oh and please don't ever post that manboob pic again. hehe

  26. Anonymous11:24 AM

    It is evident to me the assclowns at PETA have never tried to nurse. It's not as easy as one would think.

    What the hell is wrong with people?

  27. Anonymous1:53 PM

    This reminds me of a comedy show I saw a number of years ago (can't remember the name - one of those "pranks on unsuspecting people" shows). They had a blind taste test of four different cheeses. The joke was that the cheese had been made with breast milk. After a customer took a bite and said "mm-mmm, that one has a smoky flavor," they turned over a placard to show a photo of a woman and say "that's Helga, she smokes 4 packs a day." Priceless.

  28. Anonymous2:29 PM

    OMG, just...OMFG.

  29. Anonymous4:29 PM

    i've always suspected it, but this last incident just confirms that peta is just fucking with us all...much like yourself. please don't ever EVER post a picture of hairy boobs again. that picture is like a disturbing movie that keeps haunting you for days after you've seen it.

  30. When I wake up screaming tonight, I already know who to *thank*. Thanks a whole frickin lot for an image that I will likely never get out of my head. But seriously, those PETA people are whacked. Pam Anderson, their celebrity spokesmodel just said that she had NO IDEA that her UGG boots that are super-glued to her feet are made of sheepskin. Idiots 4 idiots.

  31. Wow that is super f-ing hot. I feel bad for cows to so my question is when can we start replacing the meat from those poor cows in my big mac with meat from people from PETA are they willing to die for their cause????

  32. Anonymous2:39 PM

    Poor Norma Stitz gets no love here. Straight from the tap or not at all!!!

  33. I live in Virginia Beach ... next door to Norfolk where PETA lives. These people are certifiable loons. A few years ago they decided that they wanted to stop sports fishermen at the beach from hurting the poor fish. But for some reason they decided NOT to picket the commercial fishermen that catch fish by the thousands. Hummmm ... why do you suppose they left them alone?

  34. Anonymous9:05 AM

    You always tickle me and I wrote a post about you on my blog. Go look at it. We want you to join us at Humor Bloggers, it's lots of fun. Did anyone ever tell you that you favor G.I.Joe?

  35. Anonymous5:50 PM

    PETA boss: "Breast milk in Ben & Jerry's ice cream! Brilliant! Tom, get started on the press release."

    Tom: "How about we ask that they make soy options available instead. I think people would be more likely to embrace soy milk that breast milk. I know I would be."

    PETA boss: "Are you insane?"

  36. Anonymous3:55 PM

    Firstly, I don't think PETA have ever made a joke. Maybe they're trying to pull the light-hearted publicity tricks on us now?

    Secondly, that picture makes me want to burn my own eyes out.

  37. grode! i am not ever eating ice cream again! especially after that hairy travesty at the end there. and i bet milk doesn't come out of there. probably just pizza grease and motor oil.

  38. Crystal and Johnny,

    Mega thanks to both of you for ruining my cravings for ice cream. I'm lactose intolerant and shouldn't eat the stuff anyway. If however, you ever do a piece like this on something like rissotto, I'll hunt you down like a Peta member armed with a can of red paint along the new fashon lines of mink coats.

  39. Anonymous5:23 PM

    Pardon me while I scrub my eyes with bleach after that last hermaphrodite from hell photo ...

  40. Anonymous3:48 PM

    ...but if the tap is dry...and non-hairy...

  41. Anonymous7:38 PM

    Lactating burns up calories. When I was nursing my babies I lost 40 pounds. Promote it as the latest diet and you will have women lining up to be able to eat all the carbs they want and still loose weight.