Searching for Big Bird

If you've been around here long, you know I love to check out the google searches that bring people to my blog. In fact, I added a new section over there on the right with all the entries like this one that I've done over the years. I get a kick out of seeing the freaky things people are researching, and it makes me laugh, and "they" say that laughter is good for you. Who am I to argue with the experts?

Without further ado, I present the "best" of October 2008 --

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site

there is a big bird outside my window in santa barbara that says "mom" - I find this interesting, although I have no real explanation. My first guess is that the bird is confused and has the wrong house. My second guess has to do with that one time at band camp when you fucked that rooster, ended up pregnant, then gave your chick up for adoption. Maybe it's your misspent youth coming back to bite you in the ass.

how to make your vagina smell inviting - I'm pretty sure I'm not alone here in being a fan of inviting vagina, so I'd be honored to help you. I would assume that to be considered "inviting," your vag would have to smell good and not like cat food, or rooster jizz. Here's a list of my favorite smells: Autumn leaves, pine needles, lilacs, gasoline and magic marker. Do with it what you will. I'd be careful mixing and matching though. Too much of a good thing and all that.

how to impress a high school girl when you sit with them at lunch -- First off, I'm probably the wrong person to answer this, because of this simple equation:

me + high school girl = prison

But, even though I was a dork in high school and ate with the AV club and not the girls, I'll try to help you anyway. Your technique will depend upon the type of girl you are trying to impress. If she is hot, blonde and dumb, you can easily impress her with your good looks and expensive sports car. On the other hand, if she is hot, brunette, and incredibly intelligent, you would probably be better off trying to impress her with your good looks and expensive sports car. If you aren't rich and/or good looking, then I would advise you to stay away from the hot girls, because if you sit with them at lunch, they will just pour their drinks in your lap, then get up and move, and you'll be in the boy's room standing on the sink trying to get your Snapple-soaked crotch in front of the hand dryer.

bogo is what? -- Allow me to help. BOGO, or as it is intimately known by my wife, other bargain shoppers and everyone in the U.S. but you, stands for Buy One, Get One, and this makes sense, but only if you know the FREE is implied. Think of it like the silent "H" in Ghost. Technically, it should probably be BOGOF, but that sounds really stupid -- unlike BOGO, which doesn't sound at all like the name of a clown, or a board game. So, question answered.

Now, perhaps everyone reading this can answer one for me. Why the eff does Payless Shoes have an annual sale called BOGO, and yet the deal they advertise is Buy One, Get One Half Off? Is it because BOGOHO doesn't have quite the same ring to it and has prostitutional connotations? It pisses me off. I think they could base an entire ad campaign around some rapper yelling "YO! BOGO HO!" because that's just fun to say.

can you prodect my futrue carreer -- Oh, yes. Yes, I can. It involves wearing lots of high-tech communications equipment and becoming an expert in the latest touchscreen computer technology. To get a jump on your future career, practice leaning out of a window and handing people paper bags.

my vagina wont stretch enough to put two miners in -- Call me crazy, but I'm thinking that if you have even one miner in there, you're just asking for trouble. In my experience, miners never really make anything better than it was before, and I can't imagine this wouldn't hold true for vaginas as well. They'll just pull the good stuff out and leave gaping tunnels behind that will eventually fill up with stagnant runoff or be used to store nuclear waste, and nobody wants that. Also, if you don't know, try to find out what they are mining. I hope it's diamonds and not something like sulfur or coal.

whats it like to pee -- ALIENS! THE ALIENS ARE HERE! I TOLD YOU!

addicted to the smell of sweaty balls -- I originally thought this one would be difficult, because I don't know if you're a man or a woman. Then I thought, I guess it really doesn't matter. You should have no problem getting your fill, since according to government studies, 94% of all guys everywhere have sweaty balls when the temperature gets above 75 degrees. If you are trying to break that addiction, however, I suggest keeping your nose out of mens' crotches.

what does it mean when a guy grabs your penis -- That depends. If you've invited him to do so, it probably means you're a gay man, or you're having your annual physical. If the grab is uninvited and you have sweaty balls, then it's probably just the addiction talking.

With that, I leave you to your lazy Sunday afternoon. I'm going to go rake some leaves. If you get a chance, pop on over to Humor-Blogs.com -- Diesel's changed it up a bit and it's easier to vote now, if you're so inclined.


  1. I just laughed Diet Snapple out my nose, and I don't do that for just anyone.

  2. Anonymous3:26 PM

    OMG even better than the google searches that bring folks here, i about peed myself looking at your adsense ads today - foot odor, vagina smell, and luxury handbags and payless shoes. LMAO!!

  3. Anonymous3:50 PM

    I've never quite gotten on board with the whole BOGO campaign. I mean, if I buy one, I damn well expect to get one. Yet I don't get how that tells me I've gotten a bargain or the deal of a lifetime.

  4. Anonymous5:16 PM

    The fantastic google searches are my favorite, oh and your childhhod drawings. Do you have any more of those?

  5. Anonymous5:16 PM

    I meant childhood.

  6. Geeze dude! A little beverage warning before you make me laugh that hard, huh?

    I would have to say, this month beats previous months hands down for having the weirdest google searches. And the ads over on the side to match? TFF. Musty foot odor...vaginal odor...

    Speaking of which, while you may be enticed by the smell of gasoline and magic marker, I would steer WAY clear of any pussy that smelled like either, cuz that just ain't right...

  7. A pine fresh vag. There's one I never thought of. In fact I only knew of two choices; "Bad" and "None" as far as vag smells go.
    But now I'm thinking there's a business opportunity here. And hey, why not expand from smells to flavors?
    Nacho cheese anyone?

  8. Johnny, that was so fantastically funny. Incidentally, I was at the Marine Corps Marathon today in DC and at the finish line they had a bunch of booths, and I totally got the fried dough re your last post. I've been thinking about that damn dough for days.

  9. Anonymous9:23 PM

    That is quite a list. You should be proud that your blog is so versatile it brings such diverse freak-tards to it. I wonder where people went with their embarassing questions before the internet?

    Priceless, really. I think you're getting funnier with age.

  10. Why can't I have searches like this. The best one I had was for "pink pantydroppers". And I keep getting searches for parrot fever. Post on a thing just once, and you've got them piling on.

  11. Those are the best google searches I've ever seen! LOL!

  12. apparently i was pretty easy to impress in high school. i had a crush on the guy who was always sniffing the magic markers in art class...

  13. LOL! That was great ... The "Aliens" thing had me in tears!! Thanks!!!

  14. Ha HA Ha.. thanks.

  15. Anonymous11:28 AM

    ROFFLMFAO!! I wish you would post more often. Gawd you make me laugh!

  16. Anonymous1:44 PM

    The "schweaty balls" obsessed should go here...

  17. People get addicted to the smell of sweaty balls?

    I hate to think what that support group's called.

  18. Anonymous4:03 PM

    I love the google search posts. Thanks for compiling them all in one convenient location for my pleasure.

    This particular collection brings a question to my mind. What is the difference between sweaty balls and a sweaty pussy? Maybe I should search on google and see if I get directed to your blog.

  19. Anonymous8:33 AM

    funny, funny, funny.

    your googlers make my googlers seem normal by comparison - except for the ones looking for pics of naked little boys.

  20. Anonymous9:18 AM

    LMAO!!! I love your blog and I check everyday so I can laugh some more :)

  21. I am friggin' crying. There are no words. -- Ki

  22. Apparently you are considered an expert in not only shoplifting the pootie, but keeping it forest glade fresh.

    Who knew.

  23. Anonymous9:05 PM

    can you prodect my futrue carreer: made me piss myself. How did that one trigger your site?

  24. anon, the post they went to was the one I did about the pinhole glasses, and I think google interpreted "prodect" as "product" and "futrue" as "future," which I had in the title. That's it. The thinnest of threads to click on, and clearly not anything to do with his/her future, but they clicked on it anyway. Go figure.

  25. Too funny. My google searches are way tame compared to yours.

  26. I laughed so hard tears came out!!! I once had a search string of 'mens toe ring gold size 7'bring someone to my blog... I am to this day still puzzled!

  27. Anonymous1:15 PM

    At least it isn't "assless chaps". Do you know how many people google "assless chaps" on a daily basis? Well, I don't either. But I do know that at least 7 of those people come to my blog every day.