Worst. Happy Hour. Ever.

After a particularly rough Saturday night, I was driving to the mall the next day and saw this sign. I decided to stop in for a little hair of the dog to get rid of my headache.

I gotta tell you -- this was the worst bar I've ever been to. It didn't appear to be very popular ("happy hour" notwithstanding) and it didn't take me long to figure out why.

First of all, it was completely dead. I stopped in at around 11:20 am, and I was the only customer. Can you believe it? Not only that, but the jukebox must have been broken because you could have heard a pin drop in this place. I did see a microphone and some sort of keyboard, so I'm thinking they might have live music on Saturday night or something. Probably some old dude playing Billy Joel covers.

I don't know about Friday or Saturday, but there sure was a whole lot of nothing happening when I stopped in. The ambiance was pretty nice, I'll give them that. Lots of candles and low lighting. Probably more appropriate for a fancy restaurant than a bar, though.

I don't think they do much food business from the looks of it. There were a lot of places to sit, but no tables or anything. The bar was way the hell on the other side of the room, and the bartender was nowhere in sight. I walked up to the bar and stood around for a while waiting for him to show up and take my drink order, but after five minutes of that, my headache started getting the better of me. They really need to install a flat screen TV over the bar or something.

The decor was strange, too. The place was clean enough, but there were no stools, which I thought was pretty weird. And get this -- there was a full-sized sculpture of Jim Caviezel fastened to the wall behind the bar. It doesn't get much weirder than that. That guy always creeped me out a little, to be honest. Him and Willem Defoe. I'm not sure why.

At this point, I really needed a drink, so obviously I yelled, "Hey! How 'bout a little service over here?" and picked up some empty cup-type thing and started banging it on the bar. It was a pretty nice one, too. Heavy, and it almost looked like real silver. Most of the time, places that do a happy hour use cheap glasses or plastic cups because people tend to rip off the nice ones.

The banging got the barkeep's attention, let me tell you. He came flying out of the back room like his ass was on fire, and man, was he mad. He was wearing some sort of dress, so I'm not sure what I caught him in the middle of. The whole place smelled like incense and wine, so I guess anything is possible. Thinking about it later, I realized he didn't start to get violent until after I ordered the bloody mary.

Needless to say, I've been banned from this particular establishment.

But at least I have one of their bitchin' cups.


Click here if you share my belief that an infinitely powerful God would have an infinitely powerful sense of humor -- and as such, he would want me to stay at the top of the humor-blogs list. Thank you.


  1. JV, you know you are going to hell for this one??
    So am I for laughing at it!

  2. Anonymous9:35 PM

    Ok....I have to say that this is pretty funny stuff!!!

  3. Man...great stuff JV. The bloody mary just kills.

    By the way...can I use the sign?!?


  4. Anonymous9:47 PM

    hah took me a moment to understand that you were joking
    funny :)

  5. Anonymous10:06 PM

    Okay, you have moved up several rows toward the drivers seat on the bus to Hell....
    This is original and funny in a making me squirm kind of way, just in case the Almighty's sense of humor is not quite so great as you hope (que thunder)

  6. Anonymous11:54 PM

    Did you try the food? I was in one of those bars, and the food sucked too. No wings or chicken tenders, just dietetic bland wafer crackers, and no dip!

    (When Jehovah Witnesses stop by our house selling their Watchtower magazine, my husband asks them if they have GQ or Vanity Fair instead.)

  7. One of my favorite church marquees reads, "Staying in bed on Sunday and shouting 'Oh God!' does not constitute going to church."
    Well done JV.

  8. Considering the negative impact it must have on drinks sales, you'd think those places would condone alcoholism.


  9. I can't stop laughing at the Jim Caviezel joke, man.

    Great post!

  10. Anonymous11:50 AM

    Great post!

    I once wandered into one of those weird bars one Christmas eve. It was the only place still open at midnight and was packed with a rowdy crowd singing and passing around baskets (I assume they were full of spicy wings). I lined up for ages the bar but by the time the barman got to me he only had one glass of red wine left.

    They won't be getting my custom again.

  11. Hysterical! One minor problem, though...you didn't read the sign - they said Sunday, Johnny! Be sure to get back to us on that one, I for one will be dying to hear about it. *smirk*

  12. well, since He created beings such as Willem Dafoe and Rosie O'Donnell - you KNOW He has a sense of humor - (remember that Far Side cartoon when the God character has the jar that says "Jerks" on the label?)

  13. Anonymous1:28 PM

    Effin' brilliant.


  14. Excellent post - very creative. I admit I had to do an IMDB search on 'Jim Caviezel' to figure that one out...

    And this is weird. About an hour after reading this I'm in the gym and come across a Sports Illustrated article that happens to mention Jim Caviezel. So basically, I don't see the guys name for like 4 years, then see it twice in the span of one hour. Life's funny that way.

    (And nice add-on about the food Angela.)

  15. LMAO!!! Welcome back!

  16. Anonymous3:32 PM

    That ain't nothing. I ever tell you about my tibetian friend who entered a synagog?

    /obscure cultural reference

  17. I think I know exactly the place you're talking about. Was it the place with the trippy lookin multi-colored windows and the big lowercase "t" on top?

    Yeah man, been there.
    Not much fun.

  18. Wow, they threw you out when you were the only customer in there? That's just not good business!

  19. Anonymous6:44 PM

    sounds kind of like my Sunday - classic!

    ....when's that second JCP post coming?

  20. Nicole, we're fine. Probably.

    Joel, go for it.

    Angela, I guess they don't leave it out. Who knew?

    Tiggy, don't drink out of that thing. It's a festering pool of bacteria.

    Steph, it was the day after.

    Nicki, I love that one.

    Damon, YES! That's the place. I'm pretty sure it's a chain.

    Mojo, my thoughts exactly. And that "no shirt, no shoes, no service" sign was a little hypocritical.

    Anonymous, I have to scan a zillion pictures and write funny stuff and --seriously that catalog is two inches thick. Plus Lileks is already doing a Sears catalog a page a week. I might be bored with it. I guess we'll see.

  21. Anonymous7:50 PM

    Would have been funnier if the picture weren't of a Baptist church (evangelical) when the setup you described was clearly of a liturgical church. I mean, the overall premise was sort of amusing, I guess, maybe, but it didn't fit the picture, so it was obvious you were working really hard for the joke.

    You are so naturally and effortlessly hilarious at other times, but this wasn't your best post.

  22. You're telling me they're different inside? Well, that just ruins the whole joke.

    Oh well. You read my masthead, right? You get what you pay for.

    Besides, the RC church around here never has anything funny on their sign.

  23. Anonymous8:41 PM

    VERY funny...as always...a blog so dense with references it really needs to be read several times (kind of like watching an episode of "The Simpsons"...funny on many levels).

    As for JCP, part 2...no pressure or anything, but you are MUCH funnier than Lileks, and a better writer, too. Even if you never wrote another JCP blog, I would still read whatever you write, always and forever, amen (see how that ties in with the blog? I did that all by myself!)

  24. If you ate any pickled eggs, those weren't pickled eggs.

  25. If that same bar decides to put on a haunted house at Halloween, for the love of God, DON'T GO. Trust me on that one.

  26. I have got to say this is the funniest post I have ever read...damn funny! thanks for the laughs!

  27. You are a mental case.

  28. The Jim Caviezel reference was classic. Nice work. And Willem Dafoe? Believe it or not, I have a friend who lusts after him. Seriously yuck. (And no, that "friend" is not me.)

  29. I would love a bloody mary from a church. I'm sure it'd be a stiff one.

  30. Anonymous12:34 PM

    You are SO going to hell for this one, JV.

    And I don't read any other humor blogs. Just yours. You've had me since JC Penney's. So write another one!

    And anonymous, don't be an asshole. JV writes for entertainment purposes. Funny is funny.

  31. As a devout Catholic, I find this hysterical and totally agree with you that if God is infinite, He has an infinite sense of humor. Hilarious!

  32. Awesome, you are definately going to be damned.

  33. Good lord! You had me snickering throughout, but the bloody mary request was priceless.

  34. Anonymous3:23 PM

    Satan is sending you a limo!!!

    Seriously though, even us Christians found this one very funny!

    Jim Caviezel - hilarious!

  35. Good stuff! Hah! B1tch1n cup. :D