Pledge of Allegiance

I got a free sample of this in the mail the other day:

The thing about it that struck me funny was that on the back they listed all the "multi-surfaces" you can use it on, complete with pictures. They also had a list of specific things you probably should avoid using it on, like your ass, your baby, or your baby's ass, for instance. Oddly enough,there are no pictures of those things. This is what the back looks like:

The usage directions are pretty detailed, but there were a few things I found confusing.

Seriously, is there a male anywhere who doesn't want a higher shine on his wood? I think not. And why they want you to go around the house and unplug everything before you open the envelope is beyond me, but that's what I did because that ominous note scared me a little.

Did you notice the "DO NOT USE" text in bright green? Personally, I don't think that's big enough. And what if a potential consumer can't read? They would have no choice but to go by pictures. That being said, here's what I think the back of it should look like:

Actually, just the thought of someone using lemon Pledge wipes to treat their hemorrhoids made me laugh and gave me an idea. I decided to drop an e-mail to their customer support folks, just to get their opinion on that. Here's what I wrote:

Hi there -

I was hoping you could answer a question for me. I recently purchased some of your Pledge Multi-surface pre-moistened wipes, and I've used them on myself quite a few times in a rather "sensitive" area, since I was out of the pre-moistened wipes that I usually purchase (Tucks). I was wondering if that could be harmful in any way.

It wasn't until recently that I noticed the line on the back that says "do not use for personal hygiene or as a baby wipe." When I saw that, I immediately discontinued my use, even though they seemed to work even better than Tucks Medicated pads, and I really liked the clean, lemony-fresh scent they left behind.

I didn't notice any irritation or redness -- in fact, just the opposite. They must have some anti-chafing properties as well, because I've never felt so "friction-free" back there. Anyway, I'd like to continue using them in this fashion if you can tell me that it's perfectly safe to do so.

Thank you very much,


The next day, I got this reply:


Thank you for your email regarding PLEDGE® Wipes. I'm sorry you thought these products were for personal hygiene. They are really not recommended nor designed for such use.

In answer to your question, since the most common PLEDGE® Wipes products are PLEDGE® Wipes in Lemon and with Orange Oil, I can tell you the ingredients of these particular products are not considered skin irritants. However, if skin contact occurs we recommend washing the area with soap and water.

If you have additional questions related to the safety of this products or another PLEDGE® Wipe product, please call our SCJ Medical Information line at 866-231-5406. They will be happy to address any other concerns you may have.

If we can help in the future, please do not hesitate to contact us again.



Consumer Relationship Center
SC Johnson, A Family Company
Toll Free Number: 1-800-558-5252
Reference Number: 012913843A

That medical info line is looking pretty tempting. Once I think I can keep a straight face while I'm asking questions, I'm totally on it. So if you walk by my desk and you overhear me asking someone on the phone if it's ok if I brush my teeth with Pledge, don't be alarmed.

It's just me gathering much-needed information for you, my faithful readers. When your butthole is lemony-fresh and streak-free, you'll thank me.

Oh yes, you will.


  1. That would burn your ass so badly.

  2. Anonymous9:27 AM

    This is why I could never be a customer service agent.

  3. This reminds me of a former classmate who used roll on on her forehead. I competely understood where she was coming from.

  4. LOL. That's great! Reminds me a bit of Shamus's book.. but with better pictures.

    I thank you for forwarning me of using it as a baby wipe.

  5. If you're anything like my coworkers, I'd just be thrilled you brushed your teeth, and wouldn't care what product you used. Please send any leftover cleaning products to my workplace and I'll leave them in the break room for my filthy cohorts.

  6. Alex, you sound as if you speak from experience.

    this girl, I agree 100%.

    KK, you're right, I didn't. I'm not that brave.

    PN, what was the point? Did her forehead sweat a lot or smell bad?

    Sarge, I thought of that as I was writing it!

    Karla, where the hell do you work? We have maybe a half-dozen grubbers, tops.

  7. Bwahahahaha!!!!! Loved the additional safety information. Thank god Clorox Wipes no longer have bleach, I'd hate to see the condition of your hemmies after using them.

  8. Anonymous9:23 PM

    I once called a taxidermist and asked how much it would cost for a full stuff of a human being - floor mount, not wall. The taxidermist said she'd figure the cost out if I would do two things for her: 1) call the local sheriff's department and find out if it was legal (this after a long discussion about living wills and last requests being admissable reasons for stuffing someone) and 2) call this other taxidermist she knew that had just started his business up, because she said the call would freak him the hell out.

    So I did both. It took the Salem sheriff ten minutes to stop laughing and say he thought maybe it would be legal in Thailand but not in the good ol' US of A. Why he picked Thailand, I have no idea. But based on my closet full of clothes, they do excellent stitchwork there.

    The other taxidermist stuttered for five minutes and then hung up on me. When I called the first taxidermist back, she verbally high-fived me for his reaction, then told me a guesstimate. Dude, don't bother stuffing your relatives. It's fucking expensive.

    And all this because it was a Sunday and I wanted to go tanning, but couldn't find a tanning salon open in Virginia on a Sunday - and Taxidermist is right under Tanning Salon in the Salem City phone book. (you knew there was a reason you dug me. And obviously that reason is because I tan.)