How did I not know about this?

Dammit, you people never tell me anything. Apparently, The Game "took numerous shots at" Fiddy and G-Unit at the Summer Jam.

I had to read the article if only to find out if they meant "shots" like bang-bang-bang-you-have-bullet-holes-in-you-now-and-you're-bleeding to-death in-your-Escalade, or "shots" like calling Fiddy a dick in rhyme or something. In this case, it was the latter. But The Game got kicked out of G-Unit, so it stands to reason. G-unit, for god's sake. You can't get kicked out of that and go on to live a life not full of bitterness and anger.

OK, I really have no idea what a "G-unit" is, because I am not a fan of rap, as I'm sure you've heard me say before. But after accidentally reading an article about something called Chingy the other day, (only to find out what, exactly, a "Chingy" was) I have discovered something:

Rappers have officially run out of good names.

I say this with certainty --however, keep in mind that I have absolutely no idea what makes a good or bad rap name, so I could be wrong. But probably not.

I decided I'd do a little research, based upon my limited exposure to the world of famous people who shoot each other for fun, and it seems that certain prefixes have been co-opted by the rapping set.

Lil', for instance. You've got your Lil' Al, Lil' Blacky, Lil' Bobb'e Bling, Lil' Boosie, Lil' C Style, Lil' Cease, Lil' Eazy E, Lil' Fate, Lil' Flip, Lil' Fly, Lil' jon, Lil' Keke, Lil' Kim, Lil' Larry, Lil' Moe, Lil' Rob**, Lil' Romeo, Lil' Ron, Lil' Scrappy, Lil' Sicko, Lil' Troy, Lil' Uno, and Lil' Wayne.

And conversely, to keep the Lil's in line, you have your Bigs. Big Gibb, Biggy Smalls, Big Hutch, Big L, Big Lurch, Big Moe, Big Prodeje, Big City, Big Daddy Kane, Big Gee, Big Gipp, Big Punisher, Big Riqq, Big Scoot, Big Shasta, Big Sty, Big Syke, Big T, Big Tuck, Big Tymers, and Big Yoni.

I wonder if Big Moe could make Lil' Moe do his evil bidding. I think he could.

There are also a buttload of DJs. DJ Cherry Martinez, DJ Clue, DJ Crazy Toones, DJ Cut Chemist, DJ Demp, DJ Dove, DJ EFN, DJ Envy, DJ Green Lantern*, DJ Jams Jay, DJ Kay Slay, DJ Khaled, DJ Maxximus. DJ Paul, DJ Quik, DJ Scratch, DJ Shadow, DJ Spinna, DJ Storm, DJ Strong, DJ Whoo kid, and DJ Yella.

We also have lots of Youngs. Almost no Olds at all, because I don't think gangsta rappers live very long as a general rule. A few Cools. A smattering of J's. Not as many MCs as I expected.

So obviously, individuality is a big part of picking your rap name.

Once I got to this final list, I knew that all the good ones must have been taken:

Droop E
Dolla Willa
Hall of Justus
J Dilla
J money
J period

I am pretty sure Equipto and Intellekt have their headquarters in the Hall of Justus, but I could be wrong. And Dolla Willa sounds like something that fought Mothra over Tokyo. Also, I am especially impressed with Hi-C, who apparently picked his rap name while eating a hearty breakfast. I have a feeling it was a toss up between that or Frostid Flaykz.

Oh yeah, and don't forget Z-Ro, who seems to have a problem with low self-esteem, and Droop-E, who I can only hope is shooting for that "bad really means good" thing -- otherwise it's an unfortunate choice, and it's probably not going to get him laid much.

So to sum up, I can't tell you the difference between hip-hop, rap, east-coast, west-coast or gansta, but I do know this:

I'm just a middle-class white boy and I don't understand your complicated rapper ways.

By the way -- I'd appreciate it if alla y'all don't kill me.


*DC comics should sue the bling off this guy.
**Lil' Rob? I expected Lil' Curly, or maybe Lil' Shemp


  1. Anonymous10:10 PM

    Maybe hip hop has a computer program that generates their names for the them. Like porn names. Only for rappers.

  2. There actually is an Old. Old Dirty Bastard. And it turns out he really is an old dirty bastard. Also you can change names when you are a rapper (see Puff Daddy --> P. Diddy --> Diddy).

  3. Yo yo yo,

    I originally chose my blogspot name as a joke. GMoneyDopeFly. I thought it was the most awkward white-boy construction of pseudo-gangsta words I could possibly come up with. In fact, I still think that. However I wish I had named it something a little less embarrassing, especially since I now have to give it out from time to time... but that's another matter.

    I have a theory about rapper names that I was going to post on, but it wasn't quite enough on its own. So instead, you get a comment.

    My theory: rappers now choose names that white people can't even attempt to say aloud without seeming ridiculous.

    The particular rapper that convinced me of the validity of this postulate was a lad by the name "Young Jeezy."

    Now imagine, if you will, Young Jeezy is performing at some kind of outdoor festival featuring lots of kinds of music, and some city official (like a Mayor) is introducing acts. Picture the viral video resulting from said mayor (most likely a portly, white, walrus-mustachioed fellow) bringing his notecard a little closer to his face and reading cautiously "Our next... artists are a... is a... umm, give a hand for *haltingly* Young Jeezy."

    It would be hilarious. While I doubt that our example thought it out that thoroughly, I'm sure he gets a certain satisfaction when older white people call him by that name.

    - Scott

  4. S2H - that's funny. I wondered where your blogname came from.

    Sarah, you are right. How could I forget Wu Tang? The asian first round draft.

  5. You didnt hear anything? Comon man, you never heard about "Ggeeee uuunnooooot!"

    Pretty clever for a guy who gets "what you get for a brick just to talk greezy"

  6. Alex, I have no idea what the hell that last sentence is in reference to.

  7. Anonymous12:08 AM

    when i become a young black rapper i want to be Big Gulp so the fans can relate.