My Pal Jesus

I was feeling pretty good this morning. I opened my mail and was pleased to see that my man Jesus was checking in, just to say 'sup.

I hadn't heard from him in a while -- he's been pretty busy with all the natural disasters and what not. He has a lot of things up in the air these days, so I wasn't too upset with him. I knew he'd come over and hang whenever he got a chance --you know, knock back a few brewski's and maybe pop in a movie or something. He gets a kick out of that flick "Dogma" even though he thinks that Ben's a sucky actor. We usually watch that one if there's nothing better left at the rental place. He knows all the lines by heart. It's either Dogma or Highlander. He's a huge Connery fan. He digs the soundtrack to that one, too.

I told him Freddie Mercury was gay, but he already knew. He just shook his head and said, "Doesn't matter. The songs are freakin' great. The dude was a genius, man. Genius." I couldn't really argue. I was gonna ask where Freddie ended up, but I didn't want to take advantage of our relationship, and besides, I try not to talk about his work stuff.

One time when he was coming over I rented "The Passion of the Christ" but he when he got to my house he was all like "Dude...seriously. What the eff were you thinking?" and I was like, "Aw Jesus, sorry man -- I didn't even think that it might bother you." And he was like, "Well, it does. They didn't even ask me for a consult. That bastard Gibson is such an asshole know-it-all. I could have given them some primo tips, but nooooooo..they just went ahead and did it their way."

He gets on a spin about that movie sometimes. He's still kinda bitter about that whole thing.

Anyway, long story short, I was stoked to get the e-mail message. But when I opened it up, I didn't know what the hell his deal was. Jay must be trying to make some quick cashola on the side, because here he was trying to sell me viagra or some shit.

I couldn't believe it. I told him all that stuff about my problem in confidence, and besides it was only that one time. I couldn't believe he had the balls to go and pitch me on it.

Seriously, you gotta admit, that's pretty lame. So I replied to his e-mail and told him that he was a dick for hitting me up, and that he's crazy if he thinks I'm buying any of that crap from him. I also told him that he's buying the beer next time, and I don't want to see any of that Bud Light shit this time around.

I haven't heard back yet, but I know how he is. Lots of people to see and places to be and all that. He'll drop me a line when I least expect it.

It's sorta what makes him who he is, ya know?


  1. Anonymous8:59 AM


    My birthday was like 2 weeks ago. I sat and waited for a call - nothing. No card - nothing. F you. I can't believe you forgot.

  2. Anonymous9:13 AM

    LOL - hilarious.

  3. Anonymous10:11 AM

    You know, he pulled the same shit with me? And I dunno, I kind of think for me it was a little worse, since I'm a girl. What kind of erectile dysfunction could I have? None I know about...but this is the son of god we're talking about - he's got to know something I don't. So now I'm worrying that maybe I'm like Jamie Lee Curtis, rocking an XY Chromosomal pair.

    Part of me is guessing he's just messing with me, since he's sitting up there with his omnipotence and omniscience; pushing my buttons. Lord I hope that's all it is.

  4. Anonymous1:36 PM

    C'mon, you've got to have some respect for someone who spams you and for once it isn't about money-laundering. A college chum had a Mexican bf called Jesus, maybe it's the same guy. There couldn't be two, could there?

  5. LMAO

    I had to have a friend send this to me at school, since they don't let us into blogs there. He said it was a MUST read. It was just what I needed for my day. Thank you for the laugh.

  6. Maybe Jesus had erectile dysfunction. That's why he never got laid or had any kids. He just doesn't want you to go through what he did. He's just looking out for his pal, JV.

  7. Razor, sorry man. No disrespect intended.

  8. If only I had such imagination!

  9. Yo, Affleck was the Bomb in Phantoms!!!