Helpful Hints.

I was browsing the internet today (yes, the entire thing) and I saw some helpful hints. Specifically, helpful hints on "how to get rid of odors" and "what to do in case of attack by various wild animals." As I was reading, I realized that many of these tips would not work for me, and in fact would probably not work for anyone. Some of them were so bizarre, I questioned their validity. In other cases, the condition the helpful hint addresses would never happen to 99.9% of us in our lifetimes, thereby making the hint almost completely useless. For your enjoyment, and to further your education in all hints helpful, I have listed some of them below. I have also included the reasons I thought they wouldn't really help me out in a crisis.

Odor Hints
Helpful hint: To knock out smells in your home set down apple halves. Unlike artificial sprays that make unpleasant odors, apples actually absorb odors. Why this doesn't work for me: In no time at all, my house would smell like rotting apples.

Helpful hint: Absorb smells in refrigerator. Place charcoal inside. Why this doesn't work for me: In no time at all, my refrigerator would smell like rotting charcoal.

Helpful hint: Remove odor from shoes. Put some unscented clay cat litter in a sock and put the sock in your shoe. Let it sit overnight and it should absorb the smell. Why this doesn't work for me: In no time at all, my shoe would have a fresh pile of cat shit in it.

Helpful hint: Remove skunk odor from dog. Bathe dog in mixture of one quart 3% hydrogen peroxide, ¼ cup baking soda, one tablespoon liquid dish soap. Follow with a thorough rinsing. Why this doesn't work for me: This sounds very time consuming. I would just get the electric shears and shave that dumbass skunk-chasing son of a whore completely bald. If he's embarrassed walking around hairless, it serves him right.

Insect and Wild Animal Hints
Helpful hint: Prevent flying insects. Hang fresh bunch of stinging nettles to front of door. Why this doesn't work for me: "OW! OW! OW!" Goddammit, who hung those there?"

Helpful hint: How to get rid of earwigs. Trap the earwigs with rolled up newspapers moistened with water. The insects will be attracted to the moist area and will hide in the papers by day. Why this doesn't work for me: I don't subscribe to a newspaper, and I don't know what the hell an earwig is. But if I ever get them, I will call the New York Times subscription office immediately. You can never be too careful.

Helpful hint: Trash cans. To keep critters away from garbage, mix up two tablespoons liquid dish soap, two tablespoons cayenne pepper, and one quart warm water. Spray liberally over trash to keep varmints at bay. Why this doesn't work for me: It would keep me away from the garbage too. Hell, the garbage man probably wouldn't even go near the damn thing with all that sticky, eye-burning shit sprayed all over it.

Helpful hint: Dog attack. If vicious dogs are running towards you, stay where you are until they leave, but do not stare them in the eye. They will see that as a challenge to their territory and attack. If they are actually attacking you, the best thing to do is to curl into a ball and cover your neck with your hands. If you don't fight back, they will lose interest and leave. Why this doesn't work for me: Somehow, I don't think a vicious dog with the blood lust on him is going to "lose interest and leave." He will not leave. He will just save your juicy neck parts for last.

Helpful hint: Outrun Crocodile/Alligator. Run in a zig-zag pattern, and not just in one straight direction. When making left or right turns, the crocodile/alligator has to come to a crawl to move in that direction because of its short legs. Why this doesn't work for me: I live in NY. The only alligators around here are the ones that are supposed to be living down in the sewers, and if I too am living down in the sewer, I have bigger problems than this little info-nugget can solve for me.

Helpful hint: Outrun a Grizzly Bear. Run downhill. Because of its 2 short front legs, a grizzly has to crawl down a hill. It can run up a hill, or up a tree, but when going down, its center of gravity forces it to go slower. Why this doesn't work for me: I'm not sure if I am buying this one. I have seen grizzly bears run downhill pretty damn fast on TV. Also, I think that no matter how slowly Mr. Griz is forced to go when traveling downhill, he will still have no problem catching me. This is because it is pretty easy to catch something that is lying unconscious in a puddle of its own pee.

Helpful hint: Gorilla Attack. If a Gorilla runs after you, do not run! Simply do not stare at his eyes, and look at the ground, and humble yourself towards it. He will walk away. Why this doesn't work for me: For some reason, I am thinking that they left out part of that last sentence, which is probably either "....after he has ripped your head from your body" or "...after he has had his way with you." Or perhaps both. The order would depend upon the individual gorilla's sexual preferences, of course.

Helpful hint: Shark Attack. If a shark is approaching, simply stare it down. Do not swim away, because sharks are attracted to erratic movements. When a man swims away from a shark, it looks to the shark like he is struggling, squirming, and panicking, and the shark will attack! Also, do not play dead. A shark has all the senses we have, plus more, and a shark will know that you are not dead, but will be confused why you are not acting like you should be. So, it will get curious and may start to gnaw at you. Why this doesn't work for me: This advice seems a little passive. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. Either way, you are, at the very least, getting gnawed. Basically, this advice is telling you that it's your time to die, so you may as well just sit back and accept it. Don't swim, don't play dead. Simply look deeply into its soulless shark eyes as it eats you.

Helpful hint: Snake Attack. If you are bitten by a poisonous snake, the best thing to do is to let it bleed and make your way back to help. Do not take a knife and make the hole bigger and suck the venom out, like you see in movies. One other thing you can do if you are bitten by a poisonous snake is to take a stun gun and zap the area where you were bit. The electricity will turn the poison into a harmless protein. Why this doesn't work for me: First, who carries a stun gun in the wilderness? Nobody. They carry a .45 or a 12 gauge, either of which can turn just about anything into a harmless protein, albeit permanently. Secondly, I am thinking that perhaps the last thing I would want to do if I had been bitten by a snake while in the wilderness would be to completely disconnect my central nervous system from my brain with a stun gun.

Helpful hint: Bee Attack. If you are being stung by a swarm of bees, don't breathe. Bees are attracted to carbon dioxide. Why this doesn't work for me: It's hard to "not breathe" when you are screaming at the top of your lungs like a little girl while simultaneously running in circles at full speed, slapping madly at your own rapidly swelling head.

So anyway, enjoy your new-found knowledge. If you're ever being chased by a grizzly bear or a pack of wild dogs, or even a shark, be sure to remember these helpful hints. Have your next of kin let me know how you made out.


  1. Anonymous3:43 PM

    An earwig is a brownish insect with no wings, and a pair of pincers at the rear end, which earns them the nickname "clipshears" in some parts of Scotland. They like rotting wood. People used to believe that earwigs liked to crawl into people's ears, I think that's just a myth. I hope so, anyway.
    Happy New Year, may you never need any of those hints in your day-to-day life!

  2. Earwigs are GROSS GROSS GROSS.

    Speaking of gorilla's sexual preferences, did you hear about the two women who sued for sexual harassment because they were fired for refusing to bare their breasts for Coco the supersmart gorilla. She knows sign language and apparently has some kind of nipple fetish.

  3. SNORT out loud funny.

    If ever I get attacked, I am adding it to my will right now. So you will be well informed.

  4. The earwigs-in-your-ears thing is categorically not a myth; it happened to my cousin. I'm pretty sure he used the pencil-wiggling trick to get it out, actually (in mushy earwig pieces, of course, by the time the pencil had done its dirty work).

  5. OMG. I was drinking my hot tea and surfing leisurely until I read your line in the bear section about "it is pretty easy to catch something that is lying unconscious in a puddle of its own pee." Then I snorted tea down my throat and cough-laughed until the tears fell.

    I thank you for that! What a great Monday!

  6. When I was young my sister and I were at the neighbors with about twenty other kids playing tag. We are all running around, yelling and laughing, having a great time. Suddenly someone screams, "Charger is out!!" Charger was that neighbor's crazy dog that had bit everyone in the family and a couple of visitors already - he's just nuts. Kids are screaming, running in all directions, leaping over fences, fighting to keep the garage door closed as other kids are trying frantically to pull it open to get in there themselves. EXCEPT my sister. She stood perfectly still like she had always been told that she should.

    I saw the whole thing from our living room window (I was really fast and was always prepared to make a quick escape) - Charger ignored all the moving kids and went straight for the easy target - my sister. Ripped her leg right open.

    Stand still my ass! I was no fool. But it seemed to be true that the best way to survive was to bring a slow person with you.

    Oh, and I heard that peeing on yourself was a great way to make bears go lose interest.

  7. Anonymous1:39 AM

    to fifi or whatever, earwigs DO have wings acctually, thats hwo they're able to leap so nicely =]

  8. My first thought when reading the earwig post was 'Great. Now what??' Cause lord knows I am not touching the paper full of earwigs (creepy little f'ers). Second thought was that this sounds suspiciously like a hint for how to attract and breed earwigs rather than a plan for elimination...

    And I hate to be a stickler, but a 'poisonous' snake can only harm you if you bite IT. As opposed to a 'venomous' snake. ;)

    Must say, the bear bit did make me wonder what a day at work would be like without water streaming out my nose thanks to JV and my ill timed sips.