Lust and found

Ladies and gents, I present you with this week's edition of:

Fantastic searches that somehow led people to my site

Are sharks attracted to dogs? - You know, I've often wondered this myself. If the dog was smokin' hot, and also an excellent swimmer, I could maybe see a quick roll in the hay, but a lasting relationship? I really can't see it working. The shark would have to keep moving all the time, the dog would get fed up with not being able to keep the kids in one school...It would end badly for everyone involved. But I won't rule it out completely, because we all know that opposites attack, er, attract.

Twisted Village - I had no idea they were even back together. At any rate, I would suggest just picking up this one CD and calling it a day:

It has all their very best stuff on it anyway.

Should you curl into a ball during a shark attack? - I guess the answer to this question depends on who you ask. If you ask the shark, the shark would say that yes - Sharks, as a group, generally appreciate ball-curling on the humans' part. Basically, it puts the crunchy shell on the outside, like an m&m. They love that.

How a wolfman would speak - I 'm not a wolfman, so I don't really knowoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Jeez. I have no idea where that came from.

Dog shit attractant - I've had pretty good luck with these:

Shit smells. -- Clearly, this search was performed by a scientist researching a theory. The first step is to make an observation, e.g. "shit smells." The second step is to verify that the observation is not an anomaly and is totally repeatable, e.g. "yup, shit still smells." Obviously, the third and final step is to search the internet to see if anyone else has independently researched and published information similar to your discovery. Sadly, even though the clues were right in front of me, stuck to my shoe, I never put two and two together. I simply could not figure out where the smell was coming from, until it was too late. No scientific journal publication credit for me, I guess.

Anus leaching -- Oh Jesus save me. Leaching what? LEACHING WHAT? Oh. They meant BLEACHING. Yeah. That's much better.

How to get rid of an earwig's lodge in your ear -- I would call the building inspector. I'd bet good money that those bastards didn't even have a building permit. Also, I am pretty sure that a lot of it is probably not built to code. It will take a while, but you can get the structure condemned and then start eviction proceedings. I would do it soon, because I've heard rumors that they are looking for someone to burn it down for the insurance money.

Scrotum interrogation -- I'm really at a loss here, because I've never had to go to the police station to bail out my scrotum. Luckily, it has never been implicated in a drive-by shooting or any other violent crime, so I'm not really up to speed on the the latest and greatest scrotum interrogation techniques. I imagine it involves bright lights, small propane torches and some sort of nutcracker.

What to do to get your asshole ready for anal sex -- Here's another search that I really can't help with. However, I'm never one to hold off on advice even when I have no idea what I'm talking about, so I would suggest starting with maybe a really snappy bleaching. Make that sucker so white it glows in the dark. Make it hard to miss, in other words. An interrogation probably wouldn't hurt either -- failing that, I would at least have someone give it a stern talking to.

Good size for a ho train platform -- Another tough one. My feeling is that you're going to need a pretty big platform if you're going to start up a working ho train. I would suggest something at least three times the normal platform size and comfortably soft, since people will most likely be lying down rather than standing up. I would also suggest something that is easily hosed off. I am leaning towards vinyl padding, but I'll let you know which way I go once the project comes together and I make my first cross country run. You'll be able to get pre-sale tickets and investment information at www.hotrain.com when I finally get it up. I'm talking about the website. Get your mind out of the gutter, people.


  1. Anonymous5:49 AM

    I think I'm falling for you.

  2. Holy...eff. I'm honestly at a loss. What the hell is wrong with these people. The only reasonable search on here is the one about should you curl into a ball during a shark attack. Obviously that person is just trying to gather important information. To that person: if you find out the answer please contact me immediately. Thanks.

  3. Anonymous11:13 AM

    What would a morning be without some JV shenanigan causing me to spray down my cubicle wall with hot cocoa?

    I, personally, have no idea.

  4. Anonymous12:49 PM

    You don't really want to know what kind of google search led ME to your web page.

    Did you hear that insane laughter erupt somewhere in Europe around 3 am in your time zone? Yep, that would be me. A closer look at your archives just earned you a permanent bookmark on my web browser. That leprechaun picture got me so bad I was drooling on myself.

  5. Thanks for my morning laugh. Seriously, what service do you use to find these search links?

  6. yeah, I'm going to be
    a) a geek
    b) a spoilsport
    c) whatever else.

    Love the work, all of it, all the time, but for anyone down the line... HO is a scale size for toy trains. I had 'em when I was a kid.

  7. Yeah, I know what HO gauge is. I actually had an N gauge when I was a kid. Tiny little thing. Stick around, you'll figure out pretty quickly that I like to take a perfectly innocent google search and twist it around until it tickles my funny bone.