What's wrong with this?

So today my little Google Desktop tosses up the "What's Hot in the News" list, and it looks like this:

This has to be the worst mix of news and oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-this-is-news I've ever seen. Some of it is valid news and some of it just made me scratch my head and wonder what the hell is wrong with people.

At the beginning, it's not so bad, but as you go down the list it gets worse.
  • Podcasts, yeah they're all the rage, blah,blah,blah. First on the list? Doubtful. There are some other things going on in the world right now that I'm slightly more concerned about.

  • Miers? Yeah, that's news, I guess. Beaten into the ground news, but still.

  • Convicted hacker -- "Hmm," I think to myself. "That could be interesting." I clicked on the link and learned a few things. And yes, I consider that news because I hate all hackers and think they should be hung upside down by their testicles and have their ass beaten with the back side of an early 90's ISA RAM card. Yeah. The geeks will know.

  • Response time to Katrina and N.O...well I guess that's still news, and by news I mean the serious business of figuring out who to blame for what. That could, and probably will, take years. Me? Well, I blame lots of people for that mess, including idiots who live 12 feet below sea level.

  • Hello... What have we here? This is HUGE!! I'm talkin' story of the year. Dare I say Pullit-surprise? Yes, it's Dolphins singing the Effing Batman theme song. What could be more newsworthy than this? BATMAN for chrissake!! But wait -- turns out, I got my hopes up for nothing. According to the news story, it's an "extremely high-pitched, short version of the Batman theme song." Don't think back to the Batman movies, either. They're not orchestrating any Danny Elfman themes here. Think back to the campy old 60's TV show. The one that went "na na na na na na na na Bat-maaaaaan!" Yeah. That's the one. Turns out that a "short version" of this incredibly difficult tune consists of the "Bat-maaaaan!" part. So after years of painstaking training and hundreds of thousands of dollars and untold man-hours spent, the dolphins have learned to sing:

    Two notes.

    That's it. Just two. One short, one long. And get this: If you remember the song, you will also remember that they are both the same note. And according to the story, they are "extremely high," which means it's basically two regular dolphin whistles of differing length.

    I am pretty sure the whole project revolves around being "extremely high."

    Bat-maaaaan! Song over. Gimme a fish.

  • Faith, filling voids, yadda yadda. And speaking of filling voids,

  • Tom & Katie are expecting..... what are they expecting, you might ask? Why, they're expecting a baby. What they're not expecting, and will probably end up with, is a spoiled rich kid with a warped sense of entitlement and a coke habit he'll blame on his divorced parents. Whoo hoo! The world can hardly wait. I'm sure the church of Scientology can also hardly wait.

  • And yet more faith...So the whitehouse says "Um, yeah. God doesn't talk to George Bush." I'm amazed that they even need to deny that. George may talk to God, but I don't think the big guy is listening to anyone these days. I think he's got his hands full with all the smiting and what not. I haven't heard much from the old "Katrina is Allah's revenge" crowd since the earthquake. Sucks to get your ass handed to you by your own God, I guess.

  • Withdraw This Nominee - Couldn't tell you. Didn't click on it.

  • Wallace & Grommit wareho? A wareho? I thought it was about wererabbits? Guess maybe I won't wait for the DVD afterall.

  • As for the rest, well, I'm glad to see that 30,000 dead ranked above the new Xbox ga -- no wait. My mistake.

God, there is nothing on this earth I hate more than the 24-hour news cycle. Well, maybe being chased by a wareho, but that's it.


  1. Anonymous8:25 PM

    Head scratching is indicative of Itchy Head Syndrome, or IHS. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist...

  2. Crap. Now I'm singing the damn Batman theme.

    Effin dolphins!

  3. Anonymous2:32 PM

    I have a conspiracy theory re the ware-ho fire.
    Someone who wants to see the value of Wallace and Gromit memorabilia sky-rocket, set the fire. You heard it here first. Of course, it could have been Bill, or Ben, in a fit of jealousy....flobalob!!