Boogie On, Day Three

On the third beach day, Wilma was coming, so the winds were high and the sea was pretty rough. The waves were getting big, and after getting knocked around a bit, we decided to rent some boogie boards. For those of you who don't know what boogie boards are, they are small styrofoam boards that you lie on, and use to ride the waves. They are sort of a small surfboard you don't stand up on.

I discovered that there's a reason you see mostly young kids riding the waves on boogie boards.

It's not because it's not still a blast, because it is -- and it's not because you look like an idiot, even though you probably do -- it's because if you time the wave incorrectly, it will pick you up like so much dirty laundry, fold your spine in a direction that by all rights it should not bend in, and then slam your old, brittle bones to the sea floor and hold you there until it has forcibly injected at least 20 lbs of sand and a gallon of saltwater into every orifice of your body.

Even if you manage to actually catch a wave, the lower half of your body is still hanging off the back of the board. This means that while most of you is riding high, heading toward the beach, your man junk is riding much lower, and the wave you are surfing on is actively trying to tear it free from your body and send it via riptide to Puerto Rico. And let me tell you, that shit hurts.

The other thing I learned while boogie boarding in the Caribbean is -- never wear a bathing suit with a liner. Why, you ask? Let me tell you. When we got back to the condo to shower and get ready to go to dinner, I took off my swim trunks in the bathroom and the liner of said trunks contained approximately 1 metric ton of white beach sand, and my nuts looked kinda like a sugar cinnamon donut.

Also courtesy of Mother Nature's high-pressure washing machine, I actually had 2 pieces of seaweed stuck in my ass.*

I can hear you all now. "No way!" you're saying to yourself. "How could you not notice THAT?"

The answer to that question, my friends, is a single word, and that word is:


*Yes, I know. I'm sharing too much.


  1. Thank God that picture was of a donut. I was really nervous.

  2. Me too Sarah, but I can understand how Rum can have that effect on you. The Captain always makes it an interesting time.

  3. Rotflmao Oh sheeeeeeeeesh you crack me up. You have just totaly and forever reminded me of why I should stay home and knit and NOT go out with a boogie board.

  4. Sand coated nads and seaweed in the old shoot ... mmm mmm mm - can you only imagine what that sand does to the female crotch? Makes me wanna rush out and buy myself a b-board. Or set my hair afire - one or the other.

  5. I normally feel left out when reading through posts of yours that include links, since they are almost always expired (as I am about 2 years behind and ocd enough to insist on reading through your blog in chrono order). Lucky for me this expired link still displayed the title of the photo, "AppleCiderDonutBrownSugar.JPG" which was all the visual aid I needed...

  6. Oh my God, I always laugh at your posts but this one has me paralytic w/ tears streaming down. I think because I have boogie-boarded a lot myself, most recently last month in NJ. You got it all right - done the folded-wrong, tumbled and pinned thing more times than I care to think about. As a female I don't have to worry about my junk being dragged off but I DO get sand and seaweed in All Kinds Of Bad Places. Also have had bikini bottoms and tops knocked clean off, which was super-fun for the lifeguards if they were paying attention but not as fun for teenage-me.

    The worst incident I ever had in regards to ocean water and orifices, though, was when I fell while water-skiing. I hadn't done in it years - and had only EVER done it a few times - but my cousin's husband revved the boat right up. I managed to get upright and was proud for approximately three seconds, until I caught a ski and went flying. BOOM! The water is very hard going 30 mph. My bathing suit literally cut into nether regions and I not only had seaweed in my butt but also in... well, you can guess. I've never water-skiied since and don't ever plan to unless it's on a glass-like FRESH water lake. At about 15 mph.

    1. Rider! How the heck are you? Good to see you're still out there.