Searching Eyes and Lowes.

Site Meter, you've been sucking lately. How am I supposed to make fun of something that just says "Unknown?" I want to know how people get here, dammit! Take your unknown and cram it. Lately most of my searches have been for the actual blog title, or "pee shiver." It's depressing. I'm going to be forced to dig into my sordid childhood past for more stories.

Since I'm desperately editing the stories I've already written and trying to work them into some semblance of order for what I laughingly call "The Book," I've been too busy to write anything original. So instead, you get this. I haven't done one of these in a while, so without further ado, here's the latest edition of:

(Not so) Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site

Why do Lowes people in commercials look weird - I checked out some Lowe's commercials on youtube (why anyone would go through the bother of uploading a shitty Lowes commercial is beyond me, but there are tons of them) and they didn't seem that much different from just about everybody in every commercial everywhere since the dawn of time.

Just once I would love to see a commercial where the people in it weren't acting completely unnatural in every respect. Their voices, their body movements, their dialogue -- everything is horrible, and ridiculously fake. And that's the national brand commercials. It gets really horrible when you start talking about local commercials. I would have to say that's the one major drawback to giving up my DirectTV and going with Time Warner cable. I now get local commercials. There's one old guy in particular around here who sells cars, and I have no idea why or how. He's obnoxious, annoying, has a big mouth and he likes to say the word HUGE a lot. He thinks everything is huge. His deals, his sales, probably even his crank. He is most likely rich, but you just know it's the type of rich where he's got a gold-plated toilet, but doesn't wipe really good or wash his hands after he takes a crap.

The thing that bugs me is not that he has decided that his tag line will be the word "Huge" but that his version of the word starts with the letter "Y" and ends with the letters "AHH." He screams it the top of his lungs and it sounds like "YOOOOOOOOOOOOJAHHHHHH!" Just writing that makes me want him dead. OK, maybe that's a little harsh. I'd settle for permanent laryngitis. Seriously, I cannot dive for the remote fast enough when his fat ass appears on my screen. I would pay cold, hard cash every single day to be hog-tied with barbed wire and dragged to work behind a team of runaway horses before I would buy a car from him. Or anything from him. Anything at all. I'm sure I can't be the only one. How can this guy not be driving business away from his dealership in droves? I don't know. Anyway, enough of my rant. Back to Lowe's. The answer to your question is simple. Those people you see are failed actors, and that's the way failed actors look.

What would a good hypothesis for my friends who eat tasty food for lunch have the best eyesight? -- I'm not quite sure what you're asking. Are you looking for tasty foods to make your friends see better? Are you trying to weed out who among your tasty-food-eating friends has the best eyesight? Is this all hypothetical and you really have no friends? I need more information before I can help you. And also more tasty food.

Throat closes when eating prime rib -- I would say you're probably a good candidate for vegetarianism. The thought of eating nothing but beans and TVP for the rest of my life causes my throat to close up, so I'm compelled to think of another solution for you. After giving it 3 seconds of serious thought, I've come up with this: You might want to try a cheaper cut of meat. Try a McDonald's Hamburger - see if that causes your throat to close up. If you have a meat allergy, you'll probably be fine, since these burgers have very little actual meat in them. Move up the ladder from cheap cuts to more expensive cuts, taking note of your throat diameter after each trial. Find the one that causes your throat to begin closing up and then back it down a notch. I hope for your sake you make it to Sirloin, because that flank steak stuff is like leather. Keep me posted.

Nude lunch dating -- To me, this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. First, there's the visual aspects of it. What if the guy at the next table (or god forbid, your date) looks like this? You'd spend your entire lunch just spitting imaginary hairs out of your mouth. And then there's the uncomfortable physical aspects to worry about. If it's too hot, your balls would be sticking to the vinyl seats, if it's too cold, there would be major shrinkage -- it wouldn't be pretty. I would suggest a fully-clothed lunch, and then if the mood strikes you, go somewhere else for the nude part.

Christiane Amanpour, Lesbian Bitch -- Is that her new title? I hadn't heard. Now that you mention it, though, I did see that she has that new show on ABC:

Pee shiver eyes water -- sounds to me like you may have a simple control problem. My advice is to grasp the penis firmly in your fist when you feel the shiver coming on, that way you will avoid getting urine in your eye. Problem solved.

Granny giving hand job on a trail -- You, my friend, are looking for some very specific porn. Not only grannies, not only hand jobs, but grannies giving hand jobs while on a trail. I think if you picked just about anything else besides trail -- car, roof, kangaroo (ok, maybe not kangaroo) -- you would have found a ton of stuff. The fact that you like dry, knobbly granny hands clutching around down there should leave you plenty of options besides "trail." Try working the term "tongs" in there somewhere. Tongs seem to be pretty popular with the grannies.

Is it normal to feel like you have lived in the seventies? -- My suggestion would be to check your birth certificate. Find the 4 digit number. If that number is smaller than 1980, then yes, it's perfectly normal for you to feel like you've lived in the 70's. If your 4 digit number is somewhere between 1940 and 1960, it's entirely possible that you lived in the 70's but just don't remember it, especially if you like the Grateful Dead. You might also want to check out some old pictures of yourself and note the hairstyle you had and the clothes you were wearing. That's how I found out.

Drugs in your asshole -- I'm not sure how you ended up here in your cavity search, but I've never had drugs in my asshole, so I won't be much help. Unless you count that one time when I was 7 years old and couldn't poop and my mother went directly to the source with something that looked like one of the Lone Ranger's bullets. I wouldn't recommend that.


  1. Thanks for this. I had a YUUUUUUGAH LOL and it was the best aerobic exercise I've had for months. :)

  2. Hey JV, I don't know if Billy's gonna like this!!!


  4. Ok. I reacted too quickly. I read a line or two further, and yeah, you got Billy nailed. Remember the year he wasn't going to say it until they'd sold X number of cars? Sales dropped precipitously, and they never tried that again.

  5. I needed a gut-busting laugh today. Thanks.

  6. I nail the mute button when Mr. HUGE shows up. Trouble is...just seeing face contort around the word has me hearing it anyway. Would I rather buy a car from him or shoot myself in the foot?....hmmmm tough call.

  7. It's the weekend. Time to break out the Ketel One and the shaker and shake up a large, great big, freaking yuuugah... Bone Dry!

  8. I seriously wish that the Google searches that brought people to my blog were nearly as funny as these are.

  9. kristina12:38 PM

    Those are pretty pathetic searches... I'll just laugh for you in sympathy...

  10. Anonymous5:15 PM

    Dude, ditch Sitemeter and install Google Analytics. Way better traffic info, and it should do a much better job on giving you those lovely search strings. :)

  11. Anonymous9:26 PM

    Ever single time I go to Lowes in San Diego there are gay guy couples shopping. Every single time. And my word verification is

    butsurr. You can't make this shit up.


  12. Staci, stop that.

    Trish, can he sue me? I didn't want to mention his last name because I don't want to be responsible for giving him any free marketing.

    Silk, lookit you jumping to the comment box before you finish reading! Shame on you. ha. No, I hadn't heard about that -- I think if he promised to never say it again if he sold X cars, he'd sell the shit out of them.

    Christie, thanks. I need Google Analytics. Then I'll get the really twisted stuff....

    Wayward, I wish he had one on hissownself. I'd push it with my car.

    Mickey, I like the cut of your jib. WTF does that mean anyway? But I'm all over that martini come tomorrow night my friend.

    Stephanie Ann, give me some examples. I'll have to check out your blog and post some raunchy words in your comments. That should do it.

    Kristina, I'm not above accepting a pity laugh. Thanks.

    Travis, you flatter me. But see above. I'll take a pity compliment, too.

    Anon1, I'm on that Google Analytics thing like gay guys are on Lowe's.

  13. Anonymous10:51 PM

    This is TOOOO FUNNY!!! And too true! In may area, the used car dealer has a badly animated dancing dog! $300 down!

    And I can answer this one! (Twenty plus years working in TV.) It's called Lowest Common Denominator. That's what the ads go for. Newton N. Minow, a long ago FCC chairman called television a "vast wasteland", and the ads certainly back that up.

    Your blog shows your intelligence level to be way above the LCD, so I'll be having fun catching up.

    (I broke a personal rule tonight: commenting before catching up, but the post just caught my eye.)


  14. OMG-I laughed, I cried, I laughed some more and then my family asked me what the heck is wrong with me. I could only point at my computer screen and giggle some more. I love these posts. Oh-that hairy dude freaks me out. It's like he's wearing a hair suit vs. actually growing that madness.

  15. This comment has been removed by the author.

  16. One fateful day a few years ago, I too stumbled upon 15 minute lunch in my search to find an explanation for the "pee shiver". Thankfully, without the eyes watering part

  17. We also have a super-annoying car dude here in Illinois. His word is CAAAAAAAARRS!!


    He's retiring!! YAY!! NEVER AGAIN WILL I HAVE TO HEAR THAT CRAP... Until they replace him.

  18. BILLY FUCILLO! What a fucktard. I think he must be a coke head.

  19. I should have read the comments before I said his name, I'm sorry. He's still a fuckface, though.

  20. LMAO! Hilarious. Thanks I needed a laugh.

  21. I'm so glad you brought back the fantastical searches. I'm reading at work trying not to laugh too loudly otherwise I'll be found out and the admin will block your site. Thanks for making an otherwise crappy day better!

  22. I love that you're a little offended by the drugs-up-the-ass search, but have no problem that granny-porn pervs are directed straight to you. CAN'T WAIT FOR THE BOOK!!!

  23. I love that you're a little offended by the drugs-up-the-ass search, but have no problem that granny-porn pervs are directed straight to you. CAN'T WAIT FOR THE BOOK!!!

  24. I think I've said this before, but you really need to have these published into a gift book.

  25. Dominique1:05 PM

    Johnny, I have to learn to resist the urge to click on your little "this" links...they never seem to lead me to something pretty! So funny- as usual!

  26. You've made me laugh so hard,I've cried and wet'em,a little.Thank-you!!!

  27. I didn't cry or wet (you're funny, but I've got a fair amount of self-control), but my throat did close when I saw the hairy guy, so thanks for that.

  28. Anonymous11:45 PM

    hmm..but where are the sundays with sylvia posts??

  29. jaygee - welcome! I hope you enjoy the time you waste - er, spend here.

    KC, I wasn't offended. People seem to think I'm a buttplug expert too, so there ya go.

    Sami, I'm going to have to start asking for proof from these people with the weak bladders. I want to see pictures.

    Dominique, have you ever seen that Playgirl photo of Burt Reynolds from back in the day? He's like a sasquatch.

    Anon, sadly, Sylvia only graced me with one slim red velvet volume. I plundered her for all she was worth, but eventually, she had no more wisdom left.

  30. Anonymous3:22 AM

    Thanks for making me think,
    X David, NYC

  31. Oh my gosh, you ARE talking about Fucillo! I went to school @ Syracuse, and back then that dude's pic was all over all the side of the city buses. TV stations here dropped those cheesy local ads sometime in the late 80s, so when I got there it seemed sorta nostalgic, in a "do-I-really-miss-that" sort of way.

  32. Johnny, you've GOT to get that bewk together. Go.

    As for the tasty foods search, that 'sentence' is so poorly constructed it's not quite a sentence yet [no verb] so it is no wonder you don't know what he wants.