Today's news. And one more pic.

Where I work, we have a security requirement that all laptops being carried to and from the premises need to be completely turned off. No sleep mode, no hibernation -- it has to be stone cold. I guess that's the only way to engage the hard disk encryption, but it also means an inordinate amount of time is spent waiting for things to boot up and/or shut down. When I sit down at my desk in the morning, there's a period of almost 15 minutes where my computer is completely useless. That's because after it actually boots, I need to leave it alone for a bit so that it can do its daily updates and backups and tracking and whatever other raping and pillaging Radia has in mind for it that day. Usually the hard drive light is just on solid, and trying to do anything at all is an exercise in frustration. Sometimes I'll get lucky, and I'll be able to open a browser window.

While I'm waiting, I'll check voicemail and then sometimes I'll take a quick peek at the cnn.com home page to get an idea of how the day is looking. Today, it was looking like it kinda went off the rails.

In no particular order, here's what caught my eye:

First, a doctor was being sued for carving the name "Ingrid" on someone's uterus, like it was some kind of tree. At first when I read the article, I thought she was walking around with a branded uterus. My thoughts were as follows:

1. That's pretty cool.
2. At least he got the name right.
3. Maybe she has a point with this lawsuit thing.

And then I realized that it had already been removed when he tagged it. So really, why the fuss? It's not like he ground it up and sold it to the chinese as an aphrodisiac, or gave it to the cafeteria staff. I mean, I could see it being a problem if she planned to display it in a jar on her desk or something, and now it's just ruined, but other than that, who gives a shit? I think they just saw a way to supplement their retirement. This is the house on the beach that my uterus built.

Next, there was this story about some 29 year old semi-attractive chick (hard to tell from a mug shot) who stripped naked and stole a cab. First of all, someone please tell me why the hell this is news. Sure, it's mildly entertaining, but really, CNN? This is the top story in your "JUSTICE" section? Must be a *really* slow news day. Or maybe this is the start of an entirely different version of cash cab.

Also a hot story today, IHOP is suing some church called the "International House of Prayer" for trademark infringement, because obviously someone might confuse those two things. And God said, "Let there be light syrup" and it was so.

Lastly, there's this helpful story in the Heath section on what to do when body parts fall off.

My favorite part is this bit:

"If your eyeball becomes dislodged, don't try to put it back," Dankner warns.

Instead, they recommend getting to the hospital as fast as you can and "The doctor will push the eye back in and give you antibiotic ointment."

You've just driven to the hospital as fast as you can, like this:

And all you get is some antibiotic ointment.

What you should get is a fucking medal for not passing out, that's what you SHOULD get.

So that's a random sampling of today's news. It's clear that the 24-hour news cycle means the death of serious journalism. Either that, or CNN is just catering to idiots like me to boost their ratings.

Oh, and one more camping pic from last weekend:

This is a stitch of 4 separate shots, covering a 180-degree field of view. (click for larger image)

That's all I've got for today, so go out there and have some fun this weekend.

Remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's time to jump in the car and go get your ointment.*

*I'll bet you thought I was going to say, "Then it's just one game - Find the Eye."


  1. Anonymous8:52 PM

    You are the wittiest blogger I have found.. and the eyeball story.. yeah. like I'm gonna drive with my eye laying on my cheek..


  2. I think you hit the nail on the head - there is only 3 hours worth of news in any given day, so 24 hr. news has to do some digging. This was hilarious, though - one of my favorite posts, actually (that didn't involve your family).

    Have you taken the boat out yet?

  3. I don't about anybody else, but I think I would call 911 if my eyeball fell out. maybe I'm just a wuss.

    Loved that picture. Looks very serene.

  4. I love that the story about the naked woman stealing the cab offers these "STORY HIGHLIGHTS":

    * Cab driver takes the woman to a local police station
    * Woman steals the taxi after the driver goes into the station, police say

    For those people too hurried to read a 200 word story, yet too interested not to know the salacious details, that summary hits the high notes.

    Great post JV!

  5. The pic is sweet, sweet serenity.

  6. I'm sorry, but I laughed for a solid 5 minutes at the pic you made to go with the eyeball story. Seriously genius...

  7. same thoughts here on the tagged uterus.

    lovely picture.

  8. Laughed my ass off at the 'eyeball' picture. Thanks for that on an otherwise shitty day.

  9. Dude, with that "eyeball" pic, I think you just stumbled across a possible solution for texting while driving. YOU may get the medal here.

  10. kristina11:23 AM

    Another beautiful picture JV, thanks.

    Speaking of body parts "falling off" and having to drive to the hospital...

    I used to work for a company that pays medical claims from doctor, where I got to review claims for "non-standard procedures". I once read a report about a fellow who'd been doing a bit of drinking while working in his wood shop. Apparently, the man somehow sliced open his nut-sack and lobbed off a testicle. In a brave attempt to reattach it himself, he stuffed the aforementioned testicle back into its pouch, and then attempted to close the wound with his staple gun.

    It should go without saying he was unable to complete his task. So he had to employ his wife to drive him to the hospital (80km / 50 miles away), while he carried his testicle in a Home Hardware bag.

    Every time I see a Home Hardware bag, I laugh.

  11. Maybe the surgeon didn't want Ingrid's uterus to get mixed up with Sheila's uterus in the back room.

    Yeah, slow news day for sure! I noticed that one about the body parts and just shook my head. But it's good to know that if you lose a body part you should keep it with you instead of giving it to a loved one to take to the hospital. Thank you, CNN. I now feel prepared.

  12. On my ride in to work every morning I listen to a radio show that does a bit called the entertainment report. It is ALWAYS filled with stories like that. What a hoot. Fantastic picture too. If that’s what you can do with a point and shoot I’d love to see how you’d do with an SLR.

  13. JV...you slay me...i literally spit my drink when i got to the eye picture...and didn't care i was laughing so hard...and then your disclaimer at the end...you my friend have a brilliant, albeit sick, mind.

  14. Anonymous12:35 AM

    HAHAHAHAHA!!! Now I feel better after a crappy day at work (you know it's a crappy day when the smokers walking past your desk to the parking lot stop to ask why you are banging your head against the wall - answer: to even out the headache). My main computer only takes 8-10 minutes to get to a usable point.

    I must agree, too, with the news points. I worked in television news from 1978 until 2001, and watched it deteriorate to the point it is at today - and you just summed it all up in one blog post.

    At least I get an hour for lunch - if I don't go to the bathroom or anything else that can be considered "taking a break". And we all eat lunch at our desks - except the ones we need to fix crap that breaks during lunch - they're all out at a nice restaurant fawning over their blackberries and ignoring our pleas for help because the whole damn place just came crashing down!


    Peace <3

  15. Anonymous12:37 AM

    Oh, and the picture is INCREDIBLE!

  16. The eyeball pic made me lol. Thanks for that!

  17. Yup, eyeball picture FTW!!

  18. How long have you been waiting for an excuse to use the "Let there be light syrup" line?

  19. If there is ever a time to call 911, it's when your eyeball falls out.

  20. I read that body part article, also, and I agree, more than ointment should be required after driving with a dangly eyeball. Great post. But you left out the girl who threw acid on herself in a pathetic cry for attention. Bet she gets more than ointment.


  21. Strangely enough, I actually read the "body parts fall off" story too--I was a total sucker for the sensationalist headline. I was perplexed as to what disease that I'd never heard of actually caused body parts to randomly fall off. Turns out it actually had a few helpful tips regarding what to do when you lose an appendage when it "falls off" after being run through a table saw or when your tooth happens to "fall out" after being punched in the face. With the tooth you actually ARE supposed to shove it back in!

  22. Love your blog-it is so the funniest blog out there! But just one thing about the lady suing her doctor. She is suing because while he was lasering her name into her uterus he burned her legs with said laser. I believe she got 2nd or 3rd degree burns on her legs because this freak thought she would appreciate her name being in her uterus that he had just removed. That is a little wacked anyways but the burns are the reason why.

  23. thanks for the laugh, i needed it. fabulous photo!

  24. One Canadian Chick9:23 PM

    I have been pouring over your blog for the last few days reading since someone introduced me to it. So glad to have clicked on that link. You Sir are one funny dude!

  25. Well, thanks! I'm a fan of Canada too.