Things I don't need to see.

Open Letter to all the people who use the bathroom:

You people need to remember where you are. As a public service, I will remind you. Ready?

You are not at home.

You are in an office building, and in office building bathrooms, we behave a little differently than we might while visiting other, non-public bathrooms. Even if your normal modus operandi at home is to shit in the corner and cover it with dirt, you cannot realistically expect to do that here.

Please remember this, and act accordingly.

Thanks so much,


To most people, the above statement would seem fairly obvious. However, my experience in the men's room today tells me that nothing is out of the question.

First, a little info on the general layout. When you walk in the door, you are facing the handicapped stall. If you turn left immediately after you enter the room, you will see a row of three additional regular stalls. After that, two urinals. That's the end of the room.

Across from the urinals, there are 3 sinks. If you are picturing this correctly, you will picture a pretty narrow space, with sinks and mirrors on one end, and a door around a corner at the other. Simple right? Basically what I'm saying is that when you walk in the door, you have to take about 8 or 9 good-sized paces before you reach the urinals.

Now here's where it gets tricky. Remember, you are not at home.

What that should mean from a procedural standpoint, but apparently does not, is simply this:

As a general rule, you should not liberate your junk before the door fully closes behind you. Or even, dare I say, immediately after that.

The reason for this? Remember, other people use the bathroom too.

If one of these other people (oh, say....ME, for instance) is standing at the sink drying his hands, the unfortunate result of your actions means you will be coming directly at this person with your pecker in your hand for approximately six to ten paces. Needless to say, (but apparently needing to be said), this is slightly unsettling for the person forced to witness this act, as they are cornered and have no way out unless they are named Alice, or perhaps Bruce Banner, which I am not. After all, I can't be expected to know your intentions. Are you about to start pissing wildly all over? Are you going to start banging it on the edge of the sink and yelling profanities? Or are you going to just nod your heads and continue to the urinal to do your business?

In this particular instance, it was the last option, and for that I am thankful.

But goddammit, I didn't need to see that.


  1. Anonymous6:04 AM

    And you know he didn't wash his hands after, and works in your company caf.

  2. John,
    You know what they call the handicap stall? Wait,...
    The Handicrapper!

    Thanks, you were great. I'll be here all week! Good Night Everyone.

  3. Anonymous7:50 AM

    JV, I have always wondered whether you men are THAT unselfconscious about using urinals. I think I would be tempted to stand as far back as possible and aim.
    Do you get a few show-offs who do their thing with style, or does everyone sneak over, pee with one hand over it and sneak out? And is it considered gay to wash your hands after using the urinals?

  4. I'm so glad I'm a girl and don't have to deal with liberated co-worker junk.

  5. Anonymous12:55 PM

    Wow, JV! I never thought of whipping out my junk before reaching my destination. That could be a real time saver, though. Thanks for the tip.

  6. Anonymous12:57 PM

    Should I have said "thanks for the heads up?"

  7. Yeah, that's more appropriate, because what I saw was more than just a tip.

  8. EWWW. Gross. How can you ever have a conversation with this person again?!

  9. Anonymous4:38 PM

    These are the things that we don't have to deal with in the ladies room!

    Women do not start undressing outside of the stall!

  10. KK, I didn't recognize the guy, so I hope I never have to.

    Angie, there used to be one asian guy who would stand 4 feet away and arc it, but I haven't seen him lately.

  11. actually, Girl I used to Know,

    I did see someone changing her clothes outside of the stalls.

    it was SCARY.

    JV - who was the dude?? tell me tell me tell me

  12. I always have a private bathrooms somewhere where I can enjoy some peace. Often in attics or sub-basements.

  13. I bet right before he walked into the bathroom Carly was like "hey dude I'll give you $2 if you liberate your junk right when you get inside the door and walk all creepylike over to the guy in there washing his hands like a surgeon.

  14. The ladies' room isn't quite like that.

    However, some women manage to get the seat wet. I haven't seen them in action, so I don't know how.

  15. Anonymous12:44 PM

    Unfortunately, I have seen some nastiness in the ladies room where I work. The girls in Army Basic Training refer to it as "no home-trainin'." A coworker and I put signs in each stall asking for a little more consideration - hasn't worked much...