Searching far and wide.

I never cease to be amazed at the searches that lead people to my blog. Since I'm currently out of brilliant ideas for my next post, I figured it was time to produce another edition of:

Fantastic Google Searches That Somehow Led People To My Site

Johnny depp vs. gene wilder - I am pretty sure Gene is about 96 years old now, so unless Johnny Depp is a big glass-jawed pussy, I'm betting he could probably kick the shit out of Gene any time he wanted to. Unless, of course, they were dressed up as respective Willy Wonkas. If that happened, I think there would be crowd involvement and Johnny Depp would get beaten into the ground by ten people with lead pipes. That's because Gene's Willy Wonka was friendly and eccentric, and Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka was clearly a predatory pedophile.

what happens if I only use monistat 3 for two days? - I believe that burning sulfur will rain down, the cities and the plains will be torn asunder, and all the people and vegetation in the land will be destroyed. There is also a very high probability that you will become a pillar of salt.

How to get cat out from under car hood - That's an easy one. Start the car.

fireworks, tampons, bananas and maxipads - That right there is a 4th of July party you'll never forget.

how to find my labia - Most of the time, the labia is very difficult to misplace. It's not at all like your wristwatch or cellphone - It's pretty hard to leave it on the bench in the locker room by mistake, or drop it in the parking lot while getting out of your car. Even so, anything is possible. My suggestion is to retrace your steps. Think of all the places you may have taken your labia out, and go there. Eventually, you will find it. (Be sure to watch where you step.) I've never actually used the technique to search for a labia, but it usually works pretty well on other things.

man wit sexy stomachs - you found me baby. My stomachs is so fine. All four of them. By the way, I'm hung like a cow.

can I leave on my underwear for hernia surgery? - It depends upon where your hernia is. If you have an arm hernia or a face hernia, then by all means, keep your underwear on. If your hernia is in the normal place, i.e., directly underneath your underwear, then no you fuckwit, you cannot leave your underwear on.

why is my scrotum black? - This may or may not be an actual problem. Here's what you do: Go look in a mirror, the come back here and take this quiz:

Question number one: Is the rest of you black? (Yes) (No)

If you answered yes, then you're fine. It is supposed to be black. If you answered no, then get your black sack to a doctor asap, because it probably needs to be surgically removed. Your other option is to simply wait a week, because it will most likely fall off on its own.

flopping labia - On rare occasions you will see these in the parking lots of department stores. They are the ones that were recently lost. They can't live long in the open air -- they tend to dry out quickly and die. Those things you thought were dried up earthworms? Nope. If you do happen to stumble on one with some life left in it, your best course of action is to scoop it up and put it in a glass of water until you can get it back to its owner. If it's too far gone, your only humane option is to stomp on it and put it out of its misery.

How do I get rid of sticky earwax? - There are many different ways to do this, however one of my favorites is to wipe it on the cardoor handle of that assknob who takes my parking spot every morning.

what does bad bacon look like? - I'm guessing it looks something like this:

rotten toe haiku - Ah, one of my favorite forms of rotten toe artistic expression. Truth be told, I consider myself something of a dabbler. Allow me to share one of my originals:

Do you smell that smell?
A stench like cheese on fire?
It is my black toe.

what if my clitoris is too high? - Before I can give you any advice, I need more information. For starters, I need to know how how high. If it's a half-inch higher than normal, that's not really a major problem. You and/or your boyfriend/husband will adjust. If it's like 3 feet too high, then the best advice I can give you is to wear a turtleneck, and develop a new hobby. I suggest taking up humming.


  1. I don't know if you're ranking your Google-search postings, but this was by far the best one.
    Unfortunately the humor didn't seem to translate while I was reading it aloud to my wife while choking on laughter every 3 words.

  2. I will spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what on earth the person who was searching for fireworks, tampons, bananas and maxipads could possibly have been looking for. It haunts me. It really does.

    Also that picture of the bad bacon might be the greatest thing I've ever seen. I love you.

  3. laughing & crying til the tears come out my nose.


  4. Lol what I dont get is: why do these searches bring them to you? What words are they hitting?

  5. Once a kitten crawled into my engine, trying to escape the rain.

    Unfortunately, was unable to escape my ignition.

    I picked kitty bits and pieces out of my car parts for years.

  6. what i want to know is how you find out what google searches exactly lead to your site... psychic powers?

  7. jneia, if you use site meter, it tells you the links people used to find your site. So for instance, if it was via another website, it would say that -- and if it's from a google search, it tells you that too -- along with the search terms.

  8. that flopping labia bit made me kinda puke. also searching for it never landed me on your site.

  9. You need to turn off "safe search" - if you do, it's on the first page of google. The first one is this blog entry, and the one they used to find my blog is right below it. I don't make this shit up....I don't think I could.


  10. Anonymous10:28 AM

    Oh, seriously, you're going to have to buy me a new keyboard after I just spit soda all over it!

    This is a new comment on an old post, but I recently discovered your site and am going back. You are seriously hilarious.

    Best. Blog. Ever.