Give me the bird.

I need help from someone old. Someone with grey hair and little half glasses. Maybe even a bushy mustache and a sweater vest, and quite possibly pants pulled up to their armpits.

I need someone who does nothing all day but feed the birds and sit at the window with a pair of binoculars. I need someone who owns Audubon books and listens to recordings of bird calls for fun.

Because somewhere in all those books and recordings, there is a bird that sounds like this.

I know when this bird is identified, I'm going to find out that it likes pine trees, and upstate NY, and pissing people off. I know this because this effer lives right outside my bedroom window and has taken it upon himself to become my own personal rooster. Whatever it is, it sets its alarm clock for 3:30 am sharp.

Every. Single. Day.

It is driving me insane. That recording doesn't do it justice. It is like someone jabbing you in the back of the neck with a lit cigarette every 4 seconds while you're trying to sleep.

It is loud.

Loud enough to hear over window fans. Loud enough to hear through pillows, and ear plugs.

So, I need help from an old person. I need them to tell me what kind of bird it is, what it looks like, what it eats, how much it shits.

I want to know everything there is to know about this creature, so that I can kill it. A lot.

I will then nail the bullet-ridden skin of this screaming ex-bird on my garage door as a warning to the others.

Justice will be served. On the grill if it's big enough.


  1. I think I might be able to help you. I once killed a bird with only a broom. That was 24 years ago, but skills like that don't ever go away. It's like riding a bike or being fat--you never forget. Also I have killed at least 4 birds with my car.

  2. I used to have a blue jay that lived outside my window. I know what you mean. They sound awful. Unfortunately, I don't have speakers to hear the soundbite. On second thought, maybe I'm fortunate for that.

  3. Yeah that bird has to go - that sound is atrocious! But... I'm thinking it just wants you for a mating ritual - HAVE FUN!

  4. Anonymous5:59 AM

    Sounds like a chickadee. I think they taste like chicken.

  5. Anonymous9:00 AM

    What part of killin it requires intimate knowledge of it's species? If it was a Do-Do you'd still shoot at it.

  6. what's the difference? don't you get up about 4 am for your trek into work??

  7. Anonymous10:54 AM

    Yeah, you probably started it!

  8. No, I get up at 4:45. Weekdays. On the weekends, I like to sleep until 9:30 or so. But the bird don't know from weekend. I think it's retired or something.

    There's no way that thing is a sparrow. That much noise couldn't come out of a bird that small. Someone told me it might be a redwinged blackbird. You know, the birds with the little red targets on their wings?

  9. I want to know everything there is to know about this creature, so that I can kill it. A lot.

    That line right there...that's why I read your blog. Everyday.

    I fucking hate birds. We have one right outside our window as well. But ours at least waits until 6:30 am to start bugging us.

  10. First time here - that was great!! I don't know a thing about birds, sorry, guess I'm not that old yet!

  11. It is a black-capped chickadee. They are far more known for their chick-a-dee-dee-dee than this call that you picked up.
    Now, if you can tell me the answer to my bird mystery we can call it even. I have a bird that we call the "Larry" bird because it's call sounds like someone calling out to Larry. "Lar-ry! Lar-ry!"

  12. Nevermind. I just found it, it's the gray catbird. I wonder if it will ever find Larry.

  13. Sylvana, we have that bird here too! We call it the Nelson bird, because it sounds like Nelson on the Simpsons. It goes "Haaaaaaa Haaaaaaa."

  14. Anonymous11:27 AM

    It's not a red winged blackbird, at least it doesn't sound anything like one. I used to live near a pond where they hung out.

  15. Well... I'm old, haglike and weary. I can say that this sounds exactly like the fuckin nuclear cricket that lives down near our BBQ grill out back. Chicadees don't generally sound like that and I have two varieties here. No really, I've seen them with my binoculars while wearing my sweater vest. The red wing blackbird is more distinct... more clear, and carries a longer note. Ask the Florida guy I have linked on my blog. He's a ranger. He knows his shit.

  16. HA! I happen to work for the Audubon Society. But I am not old, nor do I have much of a bird-watching hobby, although it can be fairly interesting.

    You can check out this site for birdcalls:

    And Sylvana, the catbird's call sounds like a cat meowing. Hence it's name!

  17. Anonymous5:58 PM

    Okay - did you notice that it sounds like that bird is singing four notes of "She Drives Me Crazy" by the Fine Young Cannibals? Because I sure as hell did, and now that shit is stuck in my head.

    Thanks a LOT JV.