Better add a little baking soda.

So it's lunchtime on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, and as I eat my burger, I'm thumbing through the Reader's Digest magazine that comes to my house every month (courtesy of my wife's grandparents). A naked woman catches my eye.

Technically, all the naughty bits are covered up with a hand-lettered sign, and it's really only the bottom half of a naked woman, but she has long legs and a nice shape, which is why I noticed the ad to begin with. The sign she's holding in front of her mid-section says "Is there a worse feeling than not feeling like yourself?"

I am intrigued, because I can instantly think of roughly two thousand three hundred things that would feel worse than not feeling like myself. A compound fracture of the tibia, being set on fire, a pitching machine firing baseballs at my exposed ass....I mean, really, I could go on forever. "Not feeling like myself" doesn't even make the top 1500.

So I start reading the fine print. ( I really have to stop reading the fine print. It's fine for a reason, and that reason is because I am not supposed to read it.) Anyway, against my better judgment, I read it. I figure it has to do with tampons, or itching, or chafing, or something I really don't need or want to know about, but it's like a car accident, you can't not look. Besides, I'm all about learning something new, so I continue.

Turns out, it has to do with the relative pH levels of the vagina. Goddammit, the things I learn while I'm eating boggle my mind.

For starters, I didn't know you had to check the pH levels in one of those things. I had no idea that it was such a precision-tuned, high-maintenance apparatus.

I mean, a hot tub or a swimming pool, yeah -- I can see checking the pH levels there. If the pH is off in a hot tub, for instance, the steam from the water will burn your eyes and make you cough. That's bad, and it's a clear sign that you need to add some baking soda. That being said, I've never dated anyone who had a crotch that burned my eyes and made me cough, and I am extremely thankful for that.

Again, I can't leave well enough alone, so off I go, looking for a picture, and some more details. I hit up Amazon.com, because they generally have the best pictures to steal. So here's the stuff, in all its balanced glory:

Amazon.com doesn't let me down, and the product description is chock full of information. In addition to eliminating odor for up to three days, this stuff apparently contains what they refer to as "a patented bio-adhesive polymer."

Now, I can easily get behind the odor thing, since nobody wants a stanky crotch, but if I were a woman, that second one would concern me a little. There is no way I would buy something that makes it sound like I could quite possibly be pumping myself full of Liquid Nails construction adhesive.

Also in the fine print: "Keep out of eyes and ears." I have to say, that warning seemed a little odd to me, because that's not really the first place I would target with the old applicator if my vagina was burning holes in my underwear. Probably not even the 4th or 5th place, truth be told.

The other odd thing: Amazon will only ship this product to addresses in the U.S. I guess complete pandemonium would break out if just anyone in the world was allowed to have a fresh-smelling vagina.

I don't know. I'm no crotch mechanic, although if you read my blog regularly you'd think I was training for a new career or something. It's nothing like that, really.

Someone just needs to teach me to skip the fine print and leave well enough alone. Then I'll be fine.


  1. I'm going to put some in my butt. I like a fresh behind.

  2. Whenever I see a new product of this ilk, I think to myself "How on earth did we ever get along without it?" It pains me to think that all the women in the history of the world have had to endure lifetimes of crotch rot until now. Even more painful is the thought that some self-medicating fool is going to read this shit and insert a chlorine tablet where chlorine tablets have no right to be. Then they'll sue, if they live. "But your honor, this product compared my crotch to a swimming pool ~ read it for yourself."


    (thanks a ton for linking me!)

  3. with your knowledge, you should be working for a marketing firm specializing in women's products.

  4. wow, what a story, It is good that you learned something new, alought thought it is usless, but what the hell, it was a good read!

  5. Fortunately for us guys, soap works just fine. Hilarious as always by the way.

  6. Anonymous7:19 AM

    I swear this throws me into a rage. NOT ALL WOMEN NEED TO SHOVE SALVES UP THEIR HOOCHIE.
    Besides, I don't see women walking around scratching their thing the way men do.

  7. Anonymous11:19 AM

    It was the "bioadhesive" that really troubles me. I mean, merchants have been shoving Coochie Cleanser at women since they first learned to put the words "feminine" and "odor" together. Back in the 50's advertising told us our mens would leave us - slamming doors behind them, no less, - if we didn't take care of the "dainty allure." But now we need "bioadhesive" too? Glue it shut for up to "three days" of protection. What if I want to use it sometime in there? Is there a solvent for unscheduled boinks?

  8. I just spit tomato soup at my monitor.

    It's always great to read a man's musings on "stanky crotch."

    Just as a small piece of advice, this is usually a pretty sensitive topic. Discuss with females at your own risk.

  9. Anonymous12:45 AM

    oh man, forget about the fine prints... They are meant to be read by people who can easily forget "useless" information, or at least don't care much.

    Btw, did you know, that eating or reading (or any kind of distraction) while eating ends up on eating more than if you didn't? One of those random facts that you learn reading fine prints....

    So maybe next time you don't read about stanky crotches you will also save yourself some calories.

    P.S.: to explain why ph matters, imbalanced vaginal ph is the reason #1 for vaginal infection.

  10. Anonymous12:51 AM

    you might find what I'm about to say far too funny... considering the tittle, the subject and the comparison made.

    Baking soda is actually used to control the pH in the crotch.

  11. "You need to put a warning on your blog, like they have on cigarettes, that reading your stuff while sitting at the computer can be hazardous to keyboards. Judging from the number of people who have spit coffee, beer, tea, etc. onto their keyboards while reading your blogs, you are leaving yourself wide open for lawsuits. If I hadn't already read their blogs and thus been warned this might happen, I could have ruined my computer. Seriously, Dude!"

  12. This is the second post of yours I have read in the past ten minutes and I have to tell you I am an old leftover hippie woman with a mild incontinence problem and you are making me laugh way too much, get the picture? I came over here from the Goddess's blog. She is right. You rock.