King of the Dead

I know I'm probably the millionth person to write about this, but I can't help myself. I find the new Burger King ads with the plastic king-head mask very disturbing. I didn't know this until recently, but he first appeared in a 1970's Burger King campaign. Think about that. Not only did it pass muster the first time, but 30 years later, someone in the marketing department apparently thought he was a good idea again. They actually made the conscious decision to bring this scary-ass King character back from the dead.

Great. So not only is The Burger King back, but now he's a fucking zombie.

If I ever pull back the curtains on my bedroom window, and there is something standing there wearing a giant, smiling, king-head mask and holding out anything at all that could even remotely be considered or described as "meatnormous," I think the situation would unfold a little differently than it does on TV. Especially when the zombie king starts out with one hand behind his back. Maybe it's just me, but when I see that commercial, I always expect him to come around with a gigantic knife instead of a breakfast sandwich.

At my house, it would probably be more like this:


BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! click. click. click.

Me: "Holy shit, did you see that?"

My wife: "Yeah! That thing had to have at least 47 grams of fat in it."

My advice? Aim for the forehead, right below the crown.

It's imperative that you destroy the brain. Otherwise, he'll just keep coming back.

Oh, and don't eat the sandwich. That shit will kill you, all zombie-kings aside.


  1. I just peed my pants. You are so effing funny.

    I remember there was a king way back in the day because I got a bicycle license plate from BK that had a picture of the king and my name on it. I kept it in my "treasure box", and I think I still have it. However, I do NOT remember the king being that scary. I think I would've remembered seeing as I am 28 now, and it makes me want to hide under my bed, and I was even less brave when I was 4. I will look for my bicycle license plate and do some investigating and let you know what I find out.

  2. Anonymous9:52 AM

    I recall him being a cartoon only, and his picture was on the Burger King paper crowns they gave kids. I'm wearing it right now, actually.

  3. I discovered your blog by accident, lucky me. I linked to it, hope you don't mind.

    I think you're hilarious. Keep it up!

  4. Anonymous1:11 PM

    Thank you, Johnny, for bringing this up; it needed to be said. That commercial FREAKS ME OUT whenever I have the misfortune of seeing it. What on earth are these ad-men thinking? That maybe the horrifying vision of that plastic leering face will be seared into our memory? And make us want to BUY their fucking sandwiches? (speaking of which -- if you haven't seen it, see "Supersize me". You won't have any trouble resisting the King after that.)

  5. How about the one where the dude wakes up to find the King in Bed with him???? That one is chock full of homo-erotic symbolism.
    I haven't seen it in a while so I think they pulled it for being so disturbing.

  6. Supersize Me is the fucking bomb. I've lost about 60 pounds now just paying attention to eating food I love as opposed to food that's filler, like that crap.The movie's a good place to start if your mindset needs changing.

    As for the freakin' head, jeez! I've never seen that. Maybe it's a Canadian thing and we don't have that ad up here.

    My sympathies to all y'all.


  7. Anonymous2:44 PM

    The Burger King = Shakespeare's undead corpse. Didn't he say there would be a curse on anyone who disturbed his grave? Maybe he's hunting down the descendants of the poor bastard who disturbed his grave.

  8. I hate that commerical, too. But the way you write about it. And the one where the king is in bed with the guy. Like another person said (I can't remember which blog as I read so many), it's what nightmares are made of.

  9. Dude, i'm not sure which is funnnier, this fantastic post, or someone commenting with the screen name Ether Bunny...

    Oh and one time, I woke up with the severed head of Grimace next to me on my pillow. True story. (it was the hand puppet head)...I suspect Hamburglar...

  10. delurking to say I love this post! That BK commercial scares the crap out of me, too. It gets worse, though, when you listen to the lyrics: :-)

    "I love the tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch no one tells you to behave /
    your wildest fantasies come true - Dallas cheerleaders give you shaves /
    where onions make you laugh instead and french fries grow like weeds!"
    from: http://www.unc.edu/~brianz/tendercrispbaconcheddarranch.html

  11. I'm not sure which I find more disturbing, the grinning king or hootie and his thinly veiled sexual inuendo of bucket sloshing milk (ranch?) maids.

  12. Elvis was also last seen in the 70's and rumored to be dead...could that be the King behind the king mask? What's next, the peanut butter, bacon and banana croissanwich?

  13. That Burger King is scarier than clowns.

  14. Did anyone see this site yet? www.needforfeed.com . It has a couple of the creepy king commercials on it along with a game where you beat up people with fast food.

  15. I'm so glad someone posted on this commercial. "Disturbing" is the perfect word for it, and those other "B.King" ads lately. Ew. I laughed my ass off at your post though - well done!

  16. SPeaking of Burger King -- www.subservientchicken.com has a live-action chicken that will respond to commands you type in.

    If you haven't seen it already.

    It's pretty funny, and creepy, but mainly funny.

  17. Bullets to the head only serve to anger the Burger King. Total incineration is the only way to go.

    They should have a Burger King Advisory warning, similar to the Amber Alert. That way citizens can arm and protect themselves in case there were any BK sightings in the area not that it would do them any good, but at least they'd have a fighting chance.

  18. Anonymous7:31 PM


    Have you seen this?

    The King is Dead

  19. Anonymous12:12 AM

    hey, what are those lyrics from the 1970 - 1980's commercials from Burger King.
    "Have it Your Way"

    " hold the pickles, hold the lettuce...blah blah blah won't upset us...."