A Pirate Story by Dan (and Johnny)

Once upon a time, there was a pirate ship that was inexplicably full of holes.

On this ship were three pirates, one with a tall electric-blue pimp hat, one sitting in a salad bowl fastened to the highest flag, and one with a black cookie sheet nailed to his head. There were no sails. There were, however, three flags, each one sporting the image of a bowling ball with 4 small hearts attached. The pirates were all on the same bowling team, you see, and they were sailing to a far away bowling alley to win a treasure in a tournament.

The captain of the pirate bowling team, upon spotting the official bowling ball tree, changed into his brown bowling shirt and had some guy in a two-tailed Daniel Boone hat row the top half of his torso to land, using only a gigantic granite boulder and a baseball bat.

Once on land, the captain didn't see a bowling alley.

All he found were dashed lines in the sand that led him directly to a giant X. Totally bummed, he changed back into his electric-blue pimp hat and pink shirt, you know, to cheer himself up. This was no bowling alley, but he was a pirate captain as well as a bowling team captain, and he knew what you were supposed to do when you saw an X in the sand. He wasn't sure exactly how he was going to use his wind sock as a shovel, but he was going to try. He had to hurry, because he was being chased by some black dashed lines -- and they were closing in fast!

He dug and dug with the wind sock, and eventually he uncovered a brown rectangular thing with a green stripe. Thinking quickly, he killed the other members of his bowling team, so that he could have the treasure all to himself. To throw the coppers off his trail, he changed into his electric blue pimp shirt, because he knew if there were any witnesses, the cops would be looking for a pink pirate pimp. He hauled the brown rectangular thing with the green stripe onto a completely different boat with way less holes. Awesome. Less holes.

In honor of his crewmates' valiant struggle and ultimately grisly death, he poured some malt liquor onto the sand, spray-painted two of the flags black, and had two tears tattooed under his left eye, one for each dead crewmate.

Then the pimp pirate captain sailed home and shared his rectangular thing with the green stripe with all his bitches. When they asked him where he got da Bling, he lied, and told them that he won it at a bowling tournament.

The end.

For the original version, click here.

(Thanks, Carly -- you're a good sport!)


  1. If I had any energy I would take these pictures and write my own story and post it on my blog. Fortunately for everyone I don't have that kind of gumption

  2. Anonymous5:38 AM

    I thought I'd seen this somewhere before.

    You have talent.

  3. It sounds a bit like the plot to "Dodgeball", but vastly entertaining all the same.

  4. OMG, I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

    It's probably good that you are child-free. Just sayin'.

  5. I am so proud that my link to your blog says "f'ing funny" because this shit is f'ing funny.

  6. I had to hide under my desk I was laughing so hard.

  7. Every time I read it, it just gets funnier!

  8. Anonymous11:41 PM

    this reminds me of Maddox's posts about children's artwork. Pee-your-pants hilarious!