My Pretty Pony

OK, so I'm a huge Stephen King fan, and I love just about everything he's put to paper. I realize that some people think he's a hack, but they are usually just misinformed. Most of the time you mention Stephen King to a non-fan, they say "oh, I don't like that scary stuff" or "His stuff is too bloody for me." Well, those people have never read Bag of Bones, and almost to a person don't realize that the movies The Shawshank Redemption and Stand By Me were both Stephen King short stories.

Anyway, I must have mentioned to someone that one of my favorite Stephen King short stories was called My Pretty Pony. This story is basically about the passage of time, the kinds of time that exist, and how it seems to speed up as you get older. It's not a particularly uplifting tale, told by a grandfather to his grandson, but it's well written, and haunting in its own way. It always reminds me to grab on to every moment that I'm on this planet, and to make my best attempt to not let life just slip by while I'm busy not noticing.

Last Friday, I came into work, and standing on my mousepad in front of my computer is this:

My Pretty Pony.

I promptly named her "Bitchslap" since she was pretty hot -- in a pony kind of way-- and also had some ink. Whenever you combine tattoos with platinum blonde hair, you have a recipe for one tough bitch, even if her tats were just lollipops and hearts. I took her off the mouse pad and placed her on my monitor, right next to my pewter spiderman. (Don't ask.)

When I left for the day, I forgot to take her with me. On Monday morning I walked in and sat down, said 'sup to Bitchslap, and began my day. Around lunch time, I headed downstairs for a quick bite, and when I came back ten minutes later, her hair was braided. I know she didn't do it herself. I had no idea who gave me the damn thing to begin with, and also no idea who braided her hair while I was at lunch. The pony-giver was messing with me. I was beginning to think I had a stalker.

The braid wasn't a good look for her, I think mainly because she doesn't have the cheekbones to pull it off. She reminded me of the bull-dyke pony in a lesbian-pony prison flick, if there were such things, and I were actually predisposed to viewing them. In addition to it making her look all butched up, from the side it looked like she had a broom sticking out of the top of her head, which would not do.

I took her down off my monitor, all the while realizing that it probably didn't look too normal for a grown man to be playing with a pretty pony at his desk during lunch, but I succeeded in furtively unbraiding her hair. Since it was lunchtime, I managed to do it without anyone walking by and seeing me. She was back to her normal, sultry, yellow-gold self in no time.

Yesterday morning, when I walked into my cube, this was on my desk:

OK. Someone is spending money on me*. The first time it was funny, the second time it's starting to get a little weird and creepy. But I'm good with it, and call her Violet, because it's the first thing that occurs to me. I stick her on the monitor next to Bitchslap. She doesn't look tough, but she's tougher than me, because there's no way I would have anything, even flowers, tattooed on my ass. The more I looked at her, the tougher she got. At least as tough as Bitchslap, if not more so, I thought. I now had two pretty (albeit tough) ponies, and the top of my monitor was starting to look decidedly gay.

Even then, I realized something wasn't right. Those two, just sitting there next to each other, like best buds. It bugged me until today, when I discovered what was wrong. There wasn't any conflict to this story. Two ponies, kinda the same but different colors, yadda, yadda. Where's the back-story in that, for chrissakes?

I looked at them again, and thought I saw something deep in their doe-like, painted-on pony eyes. I thought it was a simmering anger, maybe even....resentment. No, that wasn't it.

Hatred? Could what I was seeing actually be hatred?

Yes! It was hatred. These ponies aren't friends, I realized.

For god's sake, they're obviously sworn enemies!

What was I thinking?

There was only one way to fix everything:

I feel much, much better now. My monitor is no longer gay, and all is right with the world. Added bonus -- I got my own version of that hot, 'pony-on-pony-action' prison movie after all.

Go on, tell me it's not hot. Just look at it.

*As it turns out, someone told me they give these things away in Happy Meals. It all makes sense now. Well, not really.


  1. Anonymous7:27 PM

    You're a very special person.

  2. special in that short-bus, football-helmeted kinda way?

  3. Anonymous8:12 PM

    In the way my former supervisor used to say to me, when I worked as a counselor: "I've got a very *special* person for you to see." And she would laugh as she dropped the heavy case file down on my desk.

    Maybe a little like that kind of special. However they weren't as charming as you?

    I did walk into this one.

  4. i think you should send back john's ponies now. he is the worst at keeping those guys in his pod.

  5. Anonymous8:15 AM

    Johnny? Those are mcdonalds happy meal toys.

  6. Hey Johnny, if you get "Minty", don't deface it. It's worth a ton on Ebay. It's "special".

  7. Someones got your number.
    Mayhaps it was the snakes. I have heard of the hognosed whooglehanger before, or whatever it is called. We also get the "big boy" black snakes here. I am so frickin scared of snakes I start to sweat when I see suspicious hosing, seriously.

  8. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  9. Having not eaten at McDonalds in 10 years, and having never, ever eaten a Happy Meal, I had no idea! Even if they are just giving them away, they're still damned scary.

  10. OMG I LOVE My Little Ponies!! I had a million of them when I was a kid. I don't know how I feel about them bringing back every toy I ever loved and giving them away in Happy Meals. It cheapens my childhood.

  11. Okay, this is all strange and scary to me.

    But I find myself liking the pony on pony action, i can't deny that

  12. we have a pretty ponies movie and some books I can send you to go with it as well as some stawberry shortcake stuff.
    Also I think bitch meet would do well with some dreds.

  13. the only thing that would make this more awesome is if I was the one putting the ponies on your desk

  14. I think this is just a prank. But if you get into bed tonight and there is a severed pony head on your pillow - that is a bad sign. That means the SMURF mafia is going to extinguish your ass.

  15. 3 things:
    1 - I know I'm a week behind, but I just found your blog and am now addicted
    2 - I love Stephen King and will now be looking for the story you speak of (is it in one of his collections? I though I had read most of them, but obviously not)
    3 - I don't have to do my sit-ups because you had me rolling on the floor laughing so hard I was crying. This is the funniest shit I've seen in awhile. Thank you, Johnny, thank you very much.

  16. Thanks to you, I'm singing the "My Little Pony" theme song. Betcha didn't know that existed. You should google it, so you're in as much pain as I am, because you care.
    PS: I'm almost at the beginning of your blog, and I won't know what to do with myself when I'm done reading it. I might cry, have a short ceremony and a moment of silence.