Random stuff.

OK, I saw this Virgin Mobile commercial last night and it freaked me out.

First off, I don't know about you, but if I were planning on having some sort of disgusting crotch-rot conversation with my mom, I probably wouldn't do it in public. Secondly, how does your mom know about your rot to begin with? Did she catch a whiff at brunch last Sunday and ask about it? I'm glad you're airing that thing out, and "the smell means it's healing," because the alternatives are too horrible to contemplate. If you let it get out of hand, it could result in.. oh, I don't know...maybe something like your mouth falling off your face and sitting there on a locker room bench like some kind of masochistic pocket pussy. Maybe something like that.

Jesus, that chomper is going to give me nightmares. Or sex dreams. I'll let you know which way it tips.

Has anyone seen the trailer for this new Disney DVD called "Snow Buddies?" How shitty does this movie look? Not just from a plot standpoint, but from a production standpoint, too. The CGI in the e-trade talking baby commercials is heads and shoulders above this horrible mess.

In every trailer I've seen, the dogs are basically just standing there with their lifeless, shark-like eyes fixed forward, like they are waiting for a doggie treat (since they probably are). Only their mouths are moving. Nothing else on the face moves -- no eyes, no eyebrows, no nothing. The whole effect looks like it's from 1987. Hell, knowing Disney, maybe it is. They probably outsourced the animation to India.

Speaking of lifeless and sharks, I saw this movie in my Netflix Instant queue, and the title alone made me laugh, so I'm going to watch it and write you guys a nice review:

How can I not? It has both Debbie Gibson AND Lorenzo Lamas. The only way this could be any more awesome is if the Shark and Octopus turn out to be David Hasslehoff and Gary Coleman.

Of course just finding a picture of that movie led me to some other "recommendations" like this one:

I absolutely love the look on the black dude's face. He's like, "OK, you guys set me up in a sweet beach house with a hot chick wearing a bikini. What's the catch?"

I'll let you know how these experiments in cinematic splendor turn out.

Other stupid shit I've noticed lately:

Apparently Americans are either too dumb or too lazy to figure out how a roll of tape works, and so now we have to have individual, pre-cut, dispenserized pop-up tape. There's even a video showing you all the things you can do with pop-up tape. Of course, it's all the same stuff you could do without pop-up tape, unless you only had one hand (or maybe had two but one of them was busy with the S&M virgin mobile thing.) Then pop-up tape is probably pretty cool.

Also, am I alone here in hating the Snuggie? Let me clue you in. Here's what the Snuggie is: A crappy polyester robe with no belt, that you wear backwards. That's it. Go to Target, buy a nice XXL fleece robe and wear that backwards. You'll be warmer, and you'll be the only one in your neighborhood with a plaid Snuggie, plus you won't look like a monk who escaped from Renfaire.

Even worse, now they have snuggies for dogs. And if you act now, you can get in on this BOGO deal:

Lastly, it's become obvious to me lately that Vietnam has many problems --foremost among them, their economy. They are suffering from accelerating inflation and a widening trade deficit and a general devaluing of thier currency, which I recently learned is called the Dong. So Vietnam, I have some advice for you. The first step in fixing your economic mess is obvious: Rename that shit. I'm just saying that nobody takes you seriously when you offer to pay for dinner and then whip out a pocketful of Dong.

Tell you what -- If our economy ever recovers, I'll even take you all out for some nice Vietnamese food. Or as you call it, "food." There's probably, what? 10 or 12 of you left over there? I think we probably owe it to each other to have some grub, play some tunes and get shitfaced. What do you think?


  1. lol, thanks. i needed that. the dog snuggi pic cracked me up.

  2. Holy crap, I don't know which had me crying harder - "your mouth falling off your face and sitting there on a locker room bench like some kind of masochistic pocket pussy" or the "pocketful of dong".

    We saw those dog snuggies at Walgreens and my husband wanted to buy some for our dogs. I told him he better be ready to wrestle them into it, for the 3 seconds before they chew it up. WTF.

    Those movies remind me of all those new books - Jayne Eyre and the Zombies, Sense and Sensibility with Sea Monsters, etc. Sometimes people just don't know a bad thing.

    This was a great post. Classic JV.

  3. Seriously I have seen screen stills of the Mega Shark movie, and one of them had the shark coming out of the water and EATING THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE. Also please enjoy this song I wrote for the soundtrack.

  4. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is complete win. My husband and I had fun counting how many times they reuse the exact same shots throughout the movie. Our only "complaint": not enough of the huge critters eating things.

  5. I wear my bathrobe backwards all the time. It's more convenient for backrubs.

    The dog snuggie kind of makes me want to break things. See, last I checked, dogs have fur. Unless you have one of those bald things that people try to pass off as dogs but are actually Martians here as spies.

    Let us know how that whole Shark/Octopus think turns out. I have an irrational fear of sharks so I hope the Octopus wins.

  6. OMG! That's all I got. OMG! pocket pussy...bwahahahahah

  7. Gary Coleman as The Giant Octopus?

    How GIANT could that really be?

    I would still watch it.

    I too hate Snuggies.

  8. The dog movie is direct to DVD. That's all you need to know. The sad part is they'll still make zillon dollars off the parents who will buy anything that says "Disney" on the cover. Their profits will be enormous considering they spent about twelve bucks on special effects.

  9. Yep, that Virgin mobile commercial is a complete mess.

  10. Snuggies are the uniform of the devil's crafty little minions.

  11. Anonymous2:38 AM

    The snuggie is WAY worse than a backwards robe - it is a blanket with sleeves! It is for people who find a bathrobe to be too "confining" and want something roomier. What boggles my mind in the commercial is it shows people wearing their snuggies OUTSIDE. Here's a clue as to when you have lost ALL DIGNITY - when you see nothing wrong with wearing a blanket in public.

  12. Hey, Debbie Gibson was brilliant in "Huge, Hairy Spider In The Bathtub".

  13. This past Saturday I had to sit through a birthday party with 6 screaming 10-year-old girls. Their mother walked in with the after-cake treat..."Santa Buddies". I'll just say that the commercials for it show all the really great parts of the movie...

    Also had fun with the giant shark and humungeous squid a couple of weeks ago. Watch for the scene where you get to wonder how Debbie changes her nail polish so fast over and over, it's awesome!

  14. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is amazing. Maggie is right, they do use many shots over and over. If you're into that kind of cinema excellence, check out Sharks in Venice. It's more than awesome because it has Stephen Baldwin.

  15. I have to disagree with you on a point there JV..

    I'd much rather see Gary Coleman in "Attack of the 50-foot Midgets" before seeing him run around in a large shark or octopus suit.

    Then he might actually get lucky with the huge amazon women, and it'd be an interesting horror tale/soft porn movie..

    Anyway, the biggest thing that creeped me out about that TV commercial was her bringing her phone back to her ear, her mouth reattaching, and then her taking some gum out of her mouth, and saying "This isn't mine!"

    Yeah, I just about puked on that one-liner.

    Thanks for bringing those memories back to the front. I need to go brush my teeth again.

  16. OMG. I think you just killed me...

    Maybe in your dreams (or nightmares) you could combine and market the snuggie/masochistic pocket pussy and sell it for that pocketful of dong.

    And have them made in Vietnam--you know--to help light a fire under the ass of their economy.

    You'd be a national hero.

    I think the dong and pocket pussy would get along quite famously, no?

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  18. Oh yeah--that Virgin Mobile commercial totally spun me out...

    I can't even be in the same room when it's on...

  19. Anonymous12:11 PM

    My dog has a Snuggie, and I think he likes it. Maybe he's just given in after all of the t-shirts and Halloween costumes. I like to think he appreciates our attempt to keep him warm.

  20. Delany12:27 PM

    I have totally seen Frankenfish!!!

    I don't recall why or where (there was most likely booze involved to allow that cinematic masterpiece to gain approval as movie of the night) but the fact that I remember it must put it right up there with film making at it's best!

  21. For me, even worse than the Snuggie is the "Slanket." That word makes my skin crawl. I think it's because it sounds a little like "skanky." Like the Slanket is the Snuggie for skanks. When they wear it outdoors, they don't wear anything under it.

    I only heard about this because I was too afraid to risk my eyesight, but reportedly on peopleofwalmart.com (bet the Squattersons are on there) there's a woman wearing a Snuggie and Crocs.


  22. OK. The poodle saying FML cracked me up.

    And, BTW, if you do whip out a pocket full of dong, you could give it to the masochistic pocket pussy a bit further up in the post! Thank you for this. I needed it.

    And to make it even better, my verification word? Deplop. De plop!

  23. i saw an ad saying that "if you thought the blue or maroun snuggie weren't cool enough, we've got a whole new colour for you: leopard print!"

    surely they're taking the piss out of themselves?

    i mean, who'd wear one to a baseball game? your back would get cold

  24. Join me at R2K for a caption contest.

  25. well, it looks like Virgin Mobile pocket pussy has topped Tobasco barbershop-quartet-pizza-boils in the "Most Likely to Lead to Horrifying Nightmares" contest. OMG, just kill me

  26. @hjh--
    I agree with your views on the "slanket"-- I think it sounds like a slutty blanket. You know CSI could find some funky fluids on one of those...

  27. Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus is enjoying a revival in our area because the Preston and Steve morning show is having screenings of it, I hear it is hilarious.

    And I loved the dog picture. Fucking loved it.

  28. Virgin needs to pull that ad, fire the ad company...what a terrible ad.....Now if the towel would have malfunctioned.....

  29. Everything you ever need to know about how awesome Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus is is contained in this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skYRZ_-RXtk

    Great blog by the way. Love reading it, you are a great story-teller

  30. I think I love you. Seriously. I really shouldn't read your stuff while I'm working because I LOL and it's not always the best time to do that.

  31. How can you hate on the Snuggie? Isn't it obvious from the uber white dude in the commercial that its awesomeness compells him to both Raise the Roof and throw Cabbage Patch arms???

    What does he have to do to convince you that you need a Snuggie? The worm?

  32. Anonymous10:24 AM

    Wasn't the "slanket" used on 30 Rock? I think Liz Lemon was farting in hers. Anyway, the only thing better than a Snuggie is the SnugWow! Think I'm lying, check it out...


  33. Carrie-Lee9:34 PM

    If you think the Snuggie is bad, wait till you see those Dreamies comercials! It's basically a large sheet with a built in pillow pocket, so you can sleep on your couch, and be "warm". Perhaps it's because we have no central heat, but that crap does not look warm.

    Can't wait to hear how those movies turned out!

  34. Shana4:30 PM

    Love your stuff!!! Recently, my husband and I were talking to a friend who is an attorney, and we stumbled onto the fact that she loves her Snuggie, to which my husband replied, "I don't know if I could hire a lawyer who didn't know how to use a blanket." I about peed myself right there in the restaurant! Apparently the Snuggie is for the blanket challenged! Thanks for the laughs!

  35. I think the "pocket pussy" needs to get together with the "detachable penis" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byDiILrNbM4

  36. Anonymous8:24 AM

    population of Vietnam (more than 12 survived the war and reproduced like super rabbits):

    Vietnam economy headed toward recovery:

    US economy: tbd

    what you could be on the hook for:
    cheap egg sandwich with veggies
    20 cents (approx 4-5,000 dong) = $17,157,914

    bowl of pho about $1 or (20,000 dong) roughly same as population
    85+ million

    as an expat in Vietnam I guess I don't get a free meal

  37. WAIT! I wrote this post in 2009 and it's 2010 now, so well...the free lunch statute of limitations states that unless someone calls bullshit within 90 days, then any and all free lunch offers are null and void. Sorry, but that's the law.