Us doing Disney. And vice-versa.

After the conference, my wife and I decided to stick around Disney for a while and enjoy the beautiful weather, and take in some of the Disney parks. We've been there quite a few times now, and after the first couple of times you don't feel so obligated to get up at the crack of dawn and do everything there is to do.

The progression goes something like this:

Year One: "Wow! Look at this place! It's amazing! We'll never see it all in 7 days!"

Year Two: "We know our way around this time! We'll spend a day at each park, go to Blizzard Beach, eat dinner at Rain Forest Cafe on Tuesday, Mexico in Epcot on Wednesday, and the House of Blues on Thursday."

Years 3-5: "How 'bout we just hit the roller coasters at each park and catch the fireworks at Epcot? Holy fuck. I just paid $20 for two pretzels and a couple of bottles of water."

By the third time you visit, you've pretty much resigned yourself to the fact that Mickey and Friends are going to give you a major ass-reaming every day you are there. You also realize that every store there sells the same over-priced shit, and traveling around by bus can get very old very quickly. It's ironic really - here you are with all this free bus transportation everywhere you want to go, but two mixed drinks will set you back $24. You can't afford to get drunk in Disney. It's a horrible state of affairs. Although for a second, I thought maybe I was drunk when we walked into a Disney store and the first thing I saw was this very un-disneylike shirt:

Alas, it was just a bad fold, although I think they should give serious consideration to making a shirt like that.

Speaking of un-Disneylike, what about that Minnie mouse? I learned a dirty little secret about her when eating Goofy's Gummies. I know that sounds dirty, but it's really not. These are gummy bears in the shape of Disney characters, and for some reason they are fresher and better tasting than gummies you can get elsewhere. My wife usually stocks up, buying some to eat when we're wandering around, and a bunch to bring home. As I was eating Minnie, (again, not dirty) I noticed something. Here's Minnie:

As I was marveling at her freshness and gummability, I happened to do this:

OK, now that's dirty.

Gummy fun notwithstanding, the only way to get the party started in earnest at Disney is to (1) be very, very rich, (2) leech off some big company's expense account, or (3) have an outside contact. Lucky for us, Shamus was down for the same conference, and he and his family were staying in a condo off the Disney campus. Therefore they had rented a car, and offered to get us out of the Goofy bin for little while. Ah, sweet freedom! They became our window to the outside world, where you could buy things like affordable food, chewing gum, Pepsi products and reasonably priced booze, all without pictures of Disney characters on them. We all decided to have dinner at their place on Saturday night, so we went to the supermarket and bought the fixin's for steak and chicken fajitas, and it was glorious.

Needless to say, we stocked up while we had the chance. Our room had a tiny little refrigerator and we filled every inch of it with munchies and cold drinks. We bought way too much booze, although we only ended up leaving behind an unopened bottle of wine and half a bottle of gin.

That's the thing about 5th time's the charm. After a while, you just decide that it's not so bad to get up at noon and then spend the rest of the day hanging out by the pool with a book and a rum drink. Although in retrospect, I think we could probably go somewhere tropical with way fewer screaming kids for about the same price. I realize Disney is primarily for children, so I can't bitch too much, but I've also noticed that a single kid in the "grown-up" swimming pool is a lot like a single motorboat on a wilderness pond. It has a tendency to wreck the mood, and sometimes you just want to shoot a hole in it and watch it sink.

The reason we were there for an entire week after the conference ended was, oddly enough, because of the state of the economy. We were already staying for an extra 3 days, and in an effort to drum up some business, Disney was offering a "buy four, get three free" deal. We figured that we would stay over one extra night to pick up the 3 extra freebies. Since the park tickets are tiered that same way, (the fourth and fifth days of a park hopper ticket are almost free) we picked up a couple of those too. We figured we wouldn't have to buy anything but food. That sounds good until you realize that the cheapest thing you can buy anywhere in Disney is a 6" miniature frozen pizza (cooked on a chain-driven conveyor belt) that will still set you back seven bucks plus tax. Speaking of taxes, if you go there, be prepared. There's "room tax" and "resort tax" and "late-night Tinkerbell visit" tax and these will add another $40 bucks a night to your room price. OK, I may or may not have volunteered to pay extra for that last one - but the other ones just automatically showed up on the bill.

We stayed at the "moderately priced" hotel -- Port Orleans Riverside -- quite a downgrade from the Swan/Dolphin I stayed at during the conference. The first room we were assigned was horrible. We walked in, and the room was so humid it felt like you couldn't breathe. There was condensation running down the window, and it smelled like a tropical rain forest, if a tropical rain forest could somehow grow bitter ass and dirty feet. It did have one redeeming quality -- it was on the top floor, which is great because then nobody is walking around above you. We called the front desk and got another room that was marginally better, but on the 2nd floor, with a family of 14 in the room above us. I never actually saw them, but I surmised that they were in some sort of horrific accident, and as a result had been fitted with prosthetic legs made of a newly-discovered metal I can only assume is called Stompium. Also, they had bladders the size of dwarf peanuts.

How do I know this? It's all because of the crazy toilets. When you flushed one, you feared for your life. In an effort to avoid plug-ups, the hotel installed jet-assisted flushing mechanisms that would practically pull your clothes off. I was more scared of that toilet than I am of my 3 horsepower table saw. They flushed so violently, and so loudly, that your ears popped if you had the bathroom door closed. Sadly, I am not even exaggerating. Because of the aforementioned peanut bladders, I got to hear this jet noise no less than 14 times a night. I can only hope that we were able to pay them back in some small measure by exposing their 12 children to the raucous sounds of late-night, drunken sex.

In very short intervals, separated by many hours of snoring.

What? I'm not a machine.

On Monday we went to Animal Kingdom with Shamus and the family. We met them there, and he had already thoughtfully grabbed some FastPass tickets for the Everest roller coaster, which is big on scenery and not so big on coaster. I remember the last time I rode it, a giant Yeti made a swipe at you when you went under him. Oddly, he was missing this time. Either he was out getting a fresh Sherpa for breakfast, or he was being repaired. I remember him being pretty close to the cars, so I have a feeling he's been the victim of more than his fair share of vandalism. They probably have to clean the gum out of his fur periodically.

It was a riot to hit the parks with Shamus' kids. At one point I noticed his son walking funny, like he had a load of crap in his pants and cramps in his arms. I asked Shammy's wife what he was doing, and she replied that he was "being a T-Rex" and that she has to periodically tell him to "be a boy" when they go out places. I watched him for a second, then said, "In a way, you're lucky. At least he picked something that walks on two legs." The funny thing is, once you realized what he was doing, I'll be damned if he didn't have it down cold. Their daughter is a year or two older, so as far as I could tell, she stayed a girl the whole time.

If you've been to Animal Kingdom, you know about the Tree of Life, a giant artificial tree that houses the "It's a Bugs Life" attraction. As we were walking around the jungle, we were watching these water birds, and suddenly they all started swimming toward this one tree stump in the middle of the small pond. Apparently, when I had glanced away, this stump spit out a sizable amount of food, and the birds were going nuts. We promptly dubbed it the "Stump of Life."

My wife likes to watch the Silverback Gorillas. I think if I didn't keep an eye on her, she'd climb right in there with them. God only knows what would happen then -- Gorilla queen or silverback sex slave would be my guess. It could go either way.

Me, I was partial to the fruit bats. Was. Now, not so much. If you've never seen a fruit bat, they look like full-sized Chihuahuas with giant, leathery wings. Apparently, along with a 4-6 foot wing span, they also have great eyesight and like to sunbathe. Who knew? Well, I'm sure lots of people knew, but I wasn't one of them.

I learned something else about them that I didn't know before. As Shamus and I were standing there watching them eat lettuce and groom each other, and our wives were standing well back from the open bars, one little guy was looking right at us:

He was really cute and cuddly, and I was about to comment on how I would love to have one as a pet when all those words just stuck in my throat. Why, you ask? Well, he showed us what was behind the curtain:

So it turns out fruit bats have major tackle. I, for one, had no idea. Apparently, they are the Ron Jeremys of the Animal Kingdom. Shamus looks at me and says, "That's some genitalia, right there." As a dozen women covered the eyes of a dozen children, the bat hung there (no pun intended) and gave us the inverted full monty. When finding some pictures for this post, I found out that their testicles are approximately 2% of their body weight. Holy shit. No wonder they have a 4-foot wingspan. They need it to get that thing off the ground.

I don't remember much after that. I may have been in shock. I think we just parted ways in the parking lot and my wife and I went back to the hotel and made some drinks. The alcohol helps me deal with the fact that a bat is hung better than I am.

We came back on the 29th, and it sucked. At 10:00 AM, I was sitting in the sun wearing a T-shirt, and at 10:00 PM I was on hour number three of trying to get the cars into the driveway.

Looking outside, it's like our vacation never happened. Well, except for the batcock. That part sticks with me.


  1. ah...the magic of Disney. You didn't know what the REAL magic is??? The real magic is how fast that rodent can Hoover out your cash.....

  2. I just got back from Disney.

    You had a way better time than I did.

    Thanks for the batcock picture. Now my 5 year old is chanting "that bat SURE IS HAPPY!" repeatedly through the house and keeps coming back in here wanting another look at the "happy" bat.

    Ah...education is a wonderful thing, no?

    It sure would be nice if they handed out some free lube at the front gate of the parks before they ass rape you for all your money.

  3. Anonymous6:57 PM

    Have you taken a good look at your "package" while hanging upside down? It might look bigger that way. I think you should try it.

  4. That Minnie penis is blogger gold, I am sure you know.

  5. So when did Disney decide that spending obscene amounts of money was a wholeome family activity?

    Glad we stuck with taking the kids to the county fairs. Food was much better, and carnies are way more wholesome than Disney.

    I'll never think the same about eating a gummie bear again. Gee, thanks!

    Only you Johnny, would get the exposure to "Flasher Bat." Those critters are a lot smarter than we think.

  6. You just described my last trip to Disney- same resort, same pizza, and same attitude towards the parks. We also used our connections to get free park tickets from relatives of a friend. Next time I go, I am definitely tracking down the Goofy Gummies, and I might just have to make my first trip to the Animal Kingdom. Hilarious pictures.

  7. Tell me more about those toilets. Do they actually have water in them? That flushes away, er, waste? If so, find out where I can order one. They sound like just what I need.

  8. holy bat-balls, batman!

  9. Anonymous11:07 PM

    OK, I was just about convinced you'd Photoshopped that fruit bat. I mean, really, nothing that small is hung like a stud dinosaur. Some-ba-gun if I didn't discover SEVERAL such photos of the wild kingdom variety. I'm surprised Disney hadn't....dealt with that little facet of the poor creature. None of the other inhabitants of the Magic Kingdom are anatomically correct, why should the fruit bat be any different?

  10. now i remember why i haven't been to disney since 1982... the bat bits were kinda funny, though... heh heh, major tackle...

  11. Anonymous3:23 AM

    Okay, I knew Walt was a perv, but I never thought I'd have seen that much penis in relation to Disney! Totally hilarious. Thank you!

  12. Anonymous9:27 AM

    That was a hilarious post. Thanks for sharing! Did you know you can get free beer at Sea World - there's a Clydesdale horse exhibit boasted by Anhueiser Busch (sp?).

  13. Anonymous12:29 PM

    Dude, Your vaca recaps make me laugh! So many things to comment on but I'm going to stick with real advice. Try to find hotels that are adult only. This does not mean that everyone draws a room key out of a hat each night, they just don't allow anyone under the age of 18 and it's like spending a vacation in heaven.

    No kids running up and down the halls. No kids in the room above you. And my personal favorite, no kids in the pool or hot tub! Just no kids anywhere. It's awesome!

  14. We had fun too. Don't forget, next time, bring your poncho.

  15. Anonymous6:26 PM

    How amazing. It's been awhile since I've seen that much peen in one place (and I'm talking about the whole post, not just the bat). You are going to get some pretty good Google hits off "bat junk" now.

  16. Anonymous7:45 PM

    That last picture is a natural for Fuck You, Penguin.

  17. dude!!!!!!!!!!! Right on BatCock! Ya those toilets are the shit literally, they will take a whole bed sheet... and pillow case... welcome back, I'm glad to hear you weren't sexually assaulted by the bats!

  18. Honestly -- that was an hilarious post. You're killing me...

  19. Anonymous3:08 AM

    That was educational.
    I went to Disneyland all the time having grown up 15 minutes away in Ca. The excitement factor was about the same. By the time you get to year 15 it's like walking into your own house, you've made sure to stop at the grocery store first and head straight for the most comfortable spots.
    I would like to get to Disneyworld someday, just to have a new experience.

  20. Minnie is quite the slut.

  21. Questions.
    Why did no female bat, flash you? Did she and you refused to post the photo?
    Why did the male bat? Was he picking up on some latent homosexual vibes that you were putting out?

    I think I'll take the gummycock over the batcock. But really, who knew?
    Thanks for the education!

  23. Love the "Fun with Gummies" part.. That's just an overactive imagination at it's best right there..

    Sorry that you're out of your league with the fruit bats..

    Maybe you should try competing with something a bit more reasonable, like a rat, or mouse?

    LOVED the post JV!

  24. Anonymous8:14 PM

    I thought that the T. Rex bit was the funniest (any chance you can post video?), but as ever, you outdo yourself once more, with bat tackle pix. I am in awe (both of your recounting and of the big bad bat endowment itself).

  25. Anonymous11:48 PM

    you make me laugh so much, yes, even when i'm not particularly happy. thanks a ton, you are extremely gifted. i still think the bat's photoshopped.

  26. Anonymous11:24 AM

    If I ever take kids to Florida I'll be sure to avoid the money-sucking mouse and head to educational batcage instead. Thanks!

  27. Anonymous1:50 PM

    Funny post--Batcock--who knew?

  28. Anonymous2:46 PM

    ok - this is some funny stuff - of course i forwarded this to everyone i know...

    AND - i can confirm that the pic was NOT photoshopped - apparently the bats really are hung - one of my friends used to work for disney and confirms that it is indeed true - said there was a lot of giggling at that bat exhibit...

    (and he had his wedding at disney...)

  29. wow, this totally made me crack up on what had formerly been a shitty day. i'm very impressed that you were able to turn a chewable mini into a what appeared to be a mini dildo. and i'm totally with you on the bat thing. i've always thought they were adorable, i've never before seen whats back there...........

  30. We are taking our kids to Disney in May for their first visit. We are going to wait and tell them on our way to the airport so we don't have three months of "how many more days?"

    We are flying and getting picked up by the Disney shuttle at the airport, and like you, I was thinking about the food thing and not wanting to have to buy every ounce of food at the park. A friend gave me some good advice - -she told me to pack an extra suitcase with non-perishable food stuff like cereal and granola bars, as well as some plastic bottles of rum and vodka. Eat, drink, and be merry, and then you have an empty suitcase to haul all the overpriced shit you buy at Disney home.

  31. Look at Ray, coming back for more. Can't stop looking at the bat, right? ha.

    PT, I left out the part where he pissed up (down?) his stomach. He was happy either way.

    Anon, no, I'm having trouble with the self timer. I'll keep you posted.

    JB, glad you approve.

    Hedy, I will say one thing for Disney - their parks have very little manure.

    Abbie, were you the one I elbowed out of the way to get the last package of grapes? Sorry.

    Miriam, yes. full of water, but it disappears like the back of the toilet opens up into the vacuum of outer space.

    Ren, the variety (species?) at disney weren't quite that well-endowed, but the pictures were funnier.

    marianne, you had to be there. It was one of those "huh." moments.

    Zan, I know. I thought it was too much peen for one post, but I didn't want to break it into two posts.

    Ali, free bud is not free beer. Free bud is free diarrhea.

    Anon2, I am looking for that next year.

    KC, now thanks to you I am!

    Silverstar, I love that site.

    Grunt, I never thought to try that. Next time. Maybe I can post about being kicked out of disney.

    Alex, it's interesting the first time. Such a tourist trap though.

    BG - she is. Although she does wear panties, right? Not like that donald duck.

    Jess, you have made a wise decision. I suggest the cherry flavor.

    Jorm, have you ever seen rat balls? Holy shit.

    Elizabeth, you are welcome, and sort of right. But not in the way you think. I took the picture of the bat with the big junk and just used the first bat's head to make it look like the same angle. But that's it.

    Phoo, glad I could help.

    Becky, you're a planner. That's some good advice right there.

  32. holy crap. that bat has the same genetalia as my ex boyfriend!!!!!

    that is creepy. he is like some trench coat wearing exhibitionist.

  33. Johnny,

    I have never laughed so hard in my life as I did at this post! I have shown it to many of my coworkers and they all appreciated it as much as I did.

    In return, here is a special webpage just for you:


  34. Anonymous8:36 AM

    Ha, very cute post!!

  35. Anonymous5:04 PM

    Prosthetic limps of Stompium?! Fricken classic! You are hilarious. The batcock... not so much. I think I need a shot of Daniels to clear my mind's eye of that lovely bit of nature.

  36. One of my college roommates had spent a semester doing that scammy Disney internship thing, and she was an expert at turning stickers of Mickey Mouse's head into penises. It was an art.

  37. I just laughed out loud! Really laughed out loud-- not in the "haha, that's funny/LOL" kind of way, either. Actual, real laughing. Out loud. My husband and I are Disney Vacation Club members... Perhaps about 10 Disney visits under our belts now. You have perfectly described a visit to Disney. The part about the toilets is dead-on. Our kids refuse to flush after using the hotel bathroom; I think they know that they will be sucked into another dimension should they touch that silver handle. My husband's biggest complaint is that he can never get a buzz on in the Land of the Mouse! Even if you can afford it, the waitstaff appear trained to give you the hairy eyeball if you should be brazen enough to order more than two drinks on a "family" vacation. Heathens belong at Universal. ;)

  38. Why can't all penises be made of gummy candy?

    I will never see Minnie Mouse...or that bat the same way again.

  39. Anonymous2:12 PM

    the bat cock bit is great; but did you know that after watching them mate, scientist have found that female short nosed fruit bats will blow their mate in order to have sex longer. You should be glad that you where there in the daylight. Other wise you might have gotten a free upside-down porn show.