hey, hand me that jesus light, will ya?

We have a lot of power failures where I live. I'm not sure if it's due to a crappy infrastructure, or just the fact that there's a lot of trees up here to fall on the wires. Regardless, it seems that we have more than our normal share. I bought 2 five-gallon gas cans and filled them up on the way home -they'll feed the generator for a while. While I was running this errand, I passed this sign:

Now, I'm not sure if you are at all familiar with the light of jesus. If not, let me explain a few thing about it. Allow me to...enlighten you, if you will.

The main thing to remember about jesus light is that it's not like regular light. And by that I mean it most definitely is not energy in the form of electric and magnetic fields that vibrate at right angles to the direction of movement of the wave, and at right angles to each other. You will still need the candles or the generator during a power failure, because similar to jesus himself, you also cannot actually see his light.

Personally, I imagine it's sorta like UV, except it doesn't make your Hendrix poster glow.* In other words, when I'm banging the shit out of my shins on the coffee table and walking nose-first into the edge of half-open doors, the jesus light really won't do squat to help me not do these things.

Other things you cannot do by jesus light:

(1) Read.
(2) Wire up a surround sound system in an entertainment center.
(3) See if the Office Space dvd fell behind the TV.
(4) Scare off bears when you are camping.
(5) Hold it under your chin and tell ghost stories.
(6) Signal your extraction team from behind enemy lines.
(7) jack-light deer.
(8) jack-light trespassers.
(9) B&E

Of course, just because I have not personally seen the light of the j-man, that doesn't mean it can't or doesn't exist.

I suppose it's possible that if jesus were to appear, he could conceivably have visible light-emitting qualities. A holy glow, if you will. And if jesus IS the light, as the sign says, then my guess is that he would probably have some sort of god-like control over the level of his brightness. In fact, I'm willing to bet that he'd be infinitely variable by body part and he wouldn't have any of that crappy "low-medium-high" three-way bulb stuff going on, because that's not how he rolls.

I guess what I'm saying here is that if he (1) exists and (2) manifests himself unto me, he could totally help me hook up my surround sound.

Then later on we could go jack-light some deer.

*I'm not saying that jesus couldn't make your poster glow, because of course he could, being all powerful and what not. But he probably would have to do it on purpose, instead of as an unconscious by-product of his holy light.


  1. As the Iman would say, "I love the Baby Jesus", but when I need light to fix a flat on the Northway with cars whizzing by my ass at 70 MPH, I turn to EVEREADY to power my light.

  2. I think I peed a little! That was too funny. And very well argued. Except for the No.4. I think Jesus could totally scare off bears!

  3. This lil light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!

    Sorry JV, your post reminded me of that song from eons ago in Sunday School when I was still a Baptist. LOL

    What I want to know is what are those candles at the dollar store called with Jesus on them? I thought those were Jesus lights?

  4. Great post. They should reference your site on the sign as a disclaimer.

    You might want to add that Jesus Light probably won't properly direct traffic flow. I'm not 100% certain, but I've seen plenty of vehicles that claimed Jesus was their co-pilot get into intersection accidents.

  5. You forgot to mention the one most important fact about the physics of the Jesus light:

    It only leads one way.

  6. I'm with sassy blondie here - started singing that "hide your light under a bushel" thing, which, because it's jesus we're talking about, morphed to "hide it under a burka, NO!"

    I'm sending this post's link to an atheist friend of mine. And to a fundie xtain. Let the games begin!

  7. They say that Jesus comes to live IN us when we accept him as our personal savior. An indwelling.

    (Oh God please don't let me type that it sounds like Jesus really gets around...sorry)

    So I THOUGHT I accepted him like 10 years ago but when I open my eyes at night dem bitches don't glow. Maybe he's in my stomach. Sorry about all the mexican food Jesus.

  8. scoop, the engergizer bunny will bail you out every tmie.

    Krissie, I'm sure JC could scare off bears, but I bet he'd have to wave his arms and jump up and down because I don' think just his Jesus light would do it.

    Sassy, no you're confusing jesus light with jesus LIGHTS. Both not to be confused with jesus menthol lights, which are a completely different thing.

    sgt - I saw a guy going the wrong way around latham traffic circle once, so I hear ya.

    Bobo, how can you walk towards the light if you can't see it. That's what I want to know.

    Tiff, you are a trouble maker. I can see that now.

    Lindy, exactly my point. No glow = not much use during a power outage.

  9. OMG!! That is some funny crap!! It seems that I share your lack of jesus light or else I might not have enjoyed it so much.

    I just found your blog, a friend so generously shared the link with me. I look forward to reading some of the srchives.

  10. Add a little B&E onto that night and you've got yourself a regular boys night out.

  11. Anonymous10:37 PM

    Thanks Johnny! You saved me a bundle. I was going to get one of those Jesus lights, but now that I know it won't help me avoid stepping on the dog, I think I'll just get a maglite instead.

  12. Chicks always ask me if that is jesus around my neck.

  13. Lindy, your eyes only glow when a Goa'uld has taken over your body. Oh, crap. I've revealed what a geek I am.

    JV, I found your blog through the Sassy Blondie blogroll. I've been treating myself to the archives. I've learned to visit the restroom before I start reading. Keep up the good words!

  14. Anonymous11:00 PM

    I heard jesus light was banned by the government because it was incadescent and contributes to global warming.

    No sure where though.

  15. Here's a jesus light for you


  16. that is just so...wrong. Historically accurate, perhaps, but wrong nonetheless.

  17. Anonymous12:17 PM

    I can navigate unfamiliar surroundings in total darkness. I can read with the palms of my hands. I can locate objects in total darkness. I can pick up a 250 lb. man, cradle style, toss him 3' in the air with my arms, and catch him again. I've been poisoned with strychnine and lived. I've been in an ambulance with my pupils fixed and dilated. I heard the EMT say this, and when I talked to him he freaked. None of this is possible without Jesus Light. The reason you can't see it is your blind.

  18. Whoa. So the jesus light turns you into Daredevil? You sound big so I am just kidding. Please don't kill me.