Hot Fudge Sunday

This past weekend, me and the wife got a hankering for something bad. We both tend to eat pretty healthy, and as you all can attest, healthy=boring. With that in mind, we decided on complete decadence -- grilled ham and cheese on fresh Italian bread, with hot fudge sundaes for dessert. Since we had nothing to create these banana spits of our imagination, we stopped at a convenience store near the house.

Normally when I go into this place, I end up in line behind a half dozen truckers buying coffee and some lady who wants two hundred dollars worth of Lotto tickets. This time for some unknown reason, the place wasn't that busy.

I wandered over and picked up what I needed. Ice cream, of course, then hot fudge, crushed peanuts, bananas, pineapple and whipped cream. I carefully carried my stash up to the register and deposited it on the counter. The guy working the register was one of those cheerful cashiers who never shuts up, and obviously still lives in the basement at his mom's house.

The first thing he says is, "You know what would go perfect with this? A couple of our fresh-off-the-grill, all-beef hot dogs. They're 2 for $1.49. I shook my head and said, "No thanks. Just this." Hot dogs and ice cream really didn't sound like a great combination to me.

He rang my items up, chatting all the while. As he's bagging the sundae ingredients, he laughs heartily and says, "With all this stuff, I'll bet I know what you're having after dinner tonight!"

"Yeah," I replied. "Sex."

Apparently, he was easily embarrassed, because he turned a deep, tomato-red, and handed me my change without a word.

As I took the coins, I couldn't resist a parting shot. I leaned forward conspiratorally and added, "We use a LOT of food."

I think he cursed me though, because even with all those goodies, it didn't happen.

Now all I can think about is going back in there and buying a giant box of slim jims, some rope and a quart of motor oil just to see the look on his face.


  1. Classic! Who knows, maybe your next purchase of Slim Jims, motor oil, and rope just might get you "sex for dinner"!

  2. Anonymous2:55 AM

    or some strong acid, a saw and some rubbish bags. just say "it didn't work out."

  3. With today's megastores in the US, it's so easy to pick up a random assortment of items that will confuse and embarrass the check out clerks (Lawn chair, Jergens lotion, tequila mix). My friends and I used to play a game at Wall Mart to see who could purchase the strangest combination of things. We would come out of the store and look at each others stuff. I confused them one night when I came out of the store apparently empty handed. It wasn't until I pulled out a layaway slip that I was declared the victor. I had put a single tire on layaway!


  4. I'm thinking that the fact that you joked about the sex with the cashier is exactly why you didn't get it. Your wife was there, right? Man-what a cruel twist. It's like do you go for the laugh and risk not having sex using sundae toppings because your wife is not amused? Or do you pass up a chance to creep out an unassuming cashier to possibly have the freaky food sex? Life is full of hard choices.

  5. No, I'm thinking I had to go for the laugh, because the chances of the other happening would be zero, because in my opinion that would just be a chocolately sticky mess.

  6. Anonymous12:00 PM

    ..if i remember right Grey Goose and falling asleep were to blame. I loved the comment thought it was very funny.

  7. I'm glad other people also live their lives going for the funniest response. Actually, it's also the way I play strategy games.

    Anyway, your post reminded me of this:

    semi-related comic (mouse over for more hilarious Alt Text.)

    - Scott

  8. If you do, please take a hidden camera.

    I read this while I was on a conference call. Thankfully someone invented the mute button. Because I would have had to explained why I was laughing hysterically.

  9. Now I here the FCC wants to regulate more on the sex and violence on primetime TV but from what my Uncle Earl told me......

    Sex on television can't hurt you..... unless you fall off.

  10. Scotty, awesome cartoon.

    Reminds me of when my brother and I would open a jar of pickled lambs tongues and the walk around the supermarket with them sticking out of our mouths.

  11. add bleach or some other industrial stain remover and you're scare the pants off him.


  12. Anonymous5:59 PM

    HAHAHA!!! One time I went to a drugstore and purchased chocolate and tampons. I had to fight the urge to ask the (male) clerk if they also sold ammo.

  13. Anonymous5:59 PM

    Pshh..talk about confused, I thought you and Special Dark were married.

  14. Anonymous4:49 PM

    This had me laughing out loud at work!

  15. I once had to buy tampons, condoms, and a pregnancy test at the store. None of them were for me. The woman behind the cash register gave me the strangest look.