BUMP This.

I'm driving home today and I see a new sign on my normal route that says BUMP. The road really didn't seem any different to me, and I kept on the lookout, but nothing out of the ordinary cropped up. No gravel, no gaping hole, nothing. My equilibrium was off for the rest of the night. That got me thinking about these stupid signs and why I hate them.

First, even if the bump actually exists, you can never judge how far past the sign the actual bump is going to be. And since there's also no qualification as to the size of the bump, it's completely confusing.

Sometimes you can drive for miles thinking "Was that it? That had to be it. No, that was too small. That was barely anything. They wouldn't put up a sign for just that, would they? No wait, maybe that was it." You will do this for at least ten minutes after every time you run over anything that is slightly different from totally smooth pavement.

Other times, you will see the BUMP sign and think, "I don't remember seeing tha--" and then you spend the next ten minutes trying to fish the front half of your tongue out from under the driver's seat because apparently the earth is flat and your car just drove off the edge.

What is the distance limit in regards to that anyway? What is the maximum distance the sign can actually be from the bump? There has to a rule, and someone somewhere has to know what it is.

Personally, I think the distance is determined by a group of sadistic highway engineers who, through rigorous scientific double-blind testing, have determined the precise distance it takes you to actually stop expecting the bump. They do this so your guard will be completely down when a pothole the size of the grand canyon rips out the underside of your vehicle, and causes you to scream "FUCK!" at the top of your lungs with your grandparents in the car.

All I'm saying is, fix the damn roads and forget the warning signs. Seriously, WTF? When I go to the doctor does he just hang a sign around my neck that says "Jock Itch" and send me on my way?

Of course not. First he laughs at me, then he fixes me.



  1. Jock Itch? Jock...itch???

    *muffling laughter by chewing on fist*

  2. I dunno. I've never had it, but it sounds funny,doesn't it? I mean, if someone other than you has it.

  3. : ) When we get that in the city, we most often are getting speed bumps, or huge huge parts of damaged road because to stand out, the potholes and such need to be really bad.

    It is always a bad sign when you see skateboard punks beside you on the road doing tricks on the bump.

  4. "causes you to scream "FUCK!" at the top of your lungs with your grandparents in the car."

    For some reason the grandparents part made me almost pee my pants. So funny that you added that in. Everytime I drive them somewhere I'm afraid of this happening. Awesome.

  5. If you can't control yourself, leave the grandparents at home.

    By the way, I'm a grandma, and I'm familiar with that bad word.

  6. Yeah, but Miriam -- you're a cool grandmother.

    And it's not like they've never heard it before. My grandfather was in WWII for god's sake. It's just embarassing for some reason, since no matter how old you are, you're still "the kid."

  7. Anonymous7:41 AM

    I'm calling you "The Kid" from now on.

  8. I swear, AG's comments on your posts make me die laughing.

    I think you've answered your own question here JV. That doctor thing? However long it takes from the time he shows you the sign till you start getting symptoms, that's the same amount of time from the sign till the bump in the road.

    Or something along those lines.

  9. Anonymous10:44 AM

    Oh crap I'm sitting in my office laughing out loud all by myself. I hope nobody hears me but Gee-Golly-F*ck you are hilarious.