This week, on Seriously Lost

Things are slowing down in the old Sitemeter department, I think. I keep getting googled for "one toe over the line" and also for some strange reason, there seems to be a rash of people worried about what to do in case of a gorilla attack. Is this a serious problem that I am currently unaware of? If so, I had no idea. So besides those two, here are my favorites this week:

Fantastic Google searches that somehow led people to my site:

instruction how to still break pad civic car - For full effect, you have to read that aloud using the Russian accent of super-spy Boris Badenov. Without a doubt, this is the mechanic I want working on my vehicle. Especially if my civic car has break pad that won't stay still.

how to get a guy to ask you for your number in a minute - There are lots of different ways, but unfortunately most of them only work if you're pretty hot. If you are extremely hot, you will probably have to look annoyed and say "wait a minute, pinhead" otherwise you'll get asked right away. If you aren't so hot, but only just ok, your options to beat the 60-second deadline are more limited -- which brings us to:

minute-long free porn - which would probably be one pretty effective way.

CHRISTINA BIG BOOB SLAP CHEESE GIRL - I'm at a loss. I got nothin. Suggestions?

The rope witches were wearing thongs they walked in the 15 year old house they took rope and started to wrap him up in it he screamed so they put a gag in his mouth than they a lot more things to him sexy and crule. -- Again, I have very little to add here. I am unfamilar with the crule, sexy, thong-wearing rope witches. And I hope to christ that when I die, I am still able to make that claim.

used tampons deer lure - You just know there's someone out there jumping up and down screaming "Finally! A practical use for all those used tampons I've collected over the years. I will sell them to hunters on ebay! I'll be rich! RICH, I tells ya!"

What are bucks balls look like? - Well, let me tell you. buck balls are look exactly like this:

(Hint: You needed to search on "Deer Testicles." When using Google, and especially when it comes to all things testicle, it always pays to be accurate. )

what do a boys crotch look like? - Yeah. I'm not typing that in to any search engine anywhere. Besides, I'm guessing it looks just like mine, only bigger.

trouble swallowing white meat? - If you're asking me about chicken or turkey, then no. If you're asking me about anything else, then hell yeah. This sounds like the punchline to an asian hooker joke.

sniffing diesel fumes, bad or good? - what do you think, Einstein? Here's a little experiment for you: Drinking lacquer thinner, bad or good? Give it a shot and report back.

questions not to ask the boss at lunch - I am guessing that any of the above four should probably be on the list if you would like to keep your job.

washer smells funny. how to get the smell out - again you are in luck because I am a washer and dryer repair expert. I am assuming you have one of those new front-load models. These often have a problem with a urine-like odor. Open your washer carefully, and let me know if you see anything like this:

If you do, we have found the source of your problem. These particular types of washers are known to attract the seldom-seen Giant Water Hamster. They are notoriously hard to get rid of, but I can help. OK, here's what you do: Go get a used tampon....


  1. Anonymous11:40 AM

    Yo - JV...if anyone else inquires about the gorilla attack thingy - tell them to check out Playboy. Evidently being attacked by gorillas is something that so frequently occurs to their playboy bunnies that they felt the need to provide instructional materials.


  2. Anonymous2:03 PM

    I look forward to your search results post every week. Outstanding as always.

  3. Bwahahahaha! Your searches are SO entertaining. All of mine involve either boobs, feet or Tanya Meme.

  4. My searches are so boring compared to yours. Though I do have several people a week looking for hot Muslim women.

  5. That's it! I'm stopping in every day here! The searches are hilarious, but your comments on them are seriously over the top! I'll take the 15 Minute Lunch any day...