Swing your sword

Back in 1999, some drunk, naked, sword-wielding guy ran into a church in the UK and wounded some people. At the time, I had some comments about gun laws and media sensationalism, and questioned why 9 wounded people at a church was apparently considered page 6 news, but if it had been a gun instead of a sword, there would have been talking heads pounding on it for weeks. I won't get all political here, but let's just say I had some questions.

So yesterday, some drunk naked, sword-wielding guy in Iowa chased his neighbors around. He didn't get around to actually hacking anything or anyone up, and that's always a good thing. However, the story also left me with some questions. More specifically, one question:

What the hell is it with sword people and their apparent need to be naked?

You would think that drunkeness, really sharp objects and a floppin' member would definitely not go together. That's like getting drunk and heading out to the shop to mess with your table saw or bench grinder. Naked.

I needed to know this answer. Coincidentally enough for me, I knew where to get it. I happen to have a friend who is a swordsmith. In fact, he is the one who sent me this Iowa story earlier today. We make a good team in the sword-making arena -- whenever he makes a sword, I make the scabbard.

I trust this guy with my life, he's my best friend on this earth, and I know he would never steer me wrong. So I e-mailed him that exact question -- "What the hell is it with sword guys and their apparent need to be naked?"

He sent me an e-mail back that said, "If you have to ask --- "

So now, thanks to that cryptic answer, I have these very disturbing images of him running around his house completely naked, sword in hand, madly swinging everything every which way.

I was a little disappointed. Normally I get such accurate and in-depth analysis in response to my questions that it's downright scary. But today, sadly, I was not one of the privileged. I believe, after thinking on it for a while this evening, that it was his way of letting me down easy -- his way of saying this knowledge is given on a "need to know" basis, and I did not need to know.

Now, I have been forced to find out for myself. There has to be something that makes this combination of nakedness and sword-wielding attractive.

I have a sword -- it's an old, cast off experimental one that we never bothered to fit a scabbard to. It's a little heavy for me, and too damn sharp, but I'll keep my hiking boots on for traction. I'll also be sober, so it might not be a truly valid test, but I'll glean what I can from the experiment.

I'll keep you all posted.


  1. dare we hope for pictures?

  2. There were a couple of guys here in CA that did that same thing. I believe one of them entered a supermarket and killed someone with it. He claimed that he was a "Highlander" immortal. But, I guess it only took a 9mm shot, and not a beheading, to make sure that he didn't get up again. I don't think that he was naked though, but he was wearing a trenchcoat. I wonder if he had something underneath?

  3. Anonymous2:52 AM

    Is there any difference beween say broadsword/claymore wielders, and those who have a bent for the katana?

  4. Oh goody. Now I'll have these images rolling around in my head where you're running about the house with exposed appendages weilding a sharp implement. Just take great care of the comparatively smaller "sword."

    [all's well with the blog now, clearly it was my own system - just glad I could get back here]

  5. please do NOT conduct this experiment at work

  6. Anonymous2:50 PM

    To be fair, I was naked first, THEN I got the sword when they tried to tell me they weren't cool with it. You've changed. You used to be cool.

  7. ...i weep for your wife...

  8. please no picture.

  9. Brian, ESC, No, no pictures. But if you *must* use your imagination, please picture a bronzed, barbarian god with a freakishly large member. Thanks.

    Fifi -- you impressed me. You know the difference. Katana seems to equal naked. Not sure if that's because they are more accessible, what with all the cheap clones out there, or if europeans are just more apt to bundle up.

    Weary, don't you worry. I may wear a cup.

    LibbY, she weeps for her too.

  10. there's swords in drinks I order sometimes. There's a decent chance I've been drunk, naked and weilding it. I have a tiny sword that I wield.

  11. Please don't use the dodgy french accent when you do your naked highlander impression. Though as long as we get pictures not video it doesn't really matter.