It's a Trap! Get an Axe.

Hello peoples of the Internet!  It's time for another edition of the old standby....

Fantastic Searches That Somehow Pointed People To My Site

This site doesn't get as much traffic as it used to, so some of these google search links are actually less fantastic and more obvious, but I liked them so I left them in.

wool nipple warmers - My advice is that this is a bad idea. Because if you actually DO find wool nipple warmers, they will be rough and scratchy, and you will soon be looking for silk nipple warmers and a big tube of Benadryl for Nipples. And let me ask a serious question here, since I don't have cold nipples. Is it possible for a nipple to be cold while everything else is hot? I mean, I've seen my share of pencil erasers, and it seems like it would be difficult to have such an isolated regional chilly spot without some sort of ice cube involvement. But maybe I'm wrong. As I've said, my nipples? Generally the perfect temperature all the time.

if u drink u are my enemy - That's a bit harsh, isn't it? I mean, I don't drink excessively, except for on the occasional weekend, and we've been friends for a long time, and you know what? Fuck it, I'm your enemy. Although, I have a request before you go. Would you consider upgrading to be my nemesis? I've always wanted one of those.

What should I have for lunch quiz - This is a tough one, but since you want a quiz, let me see if I can whip something up for you:

QUIZ: What should I have for lunch?

(1) A bowl of ground glass and fingernail clippings
(2) some sort of food
(3) A bucket of gravel and 8 ounces of Drano

If you check back with me in a week, I'll give you your grade. Hint: It's pass/fail.

15 minute quiz - You are clearly a man with some time to kill. But not a random amount of time. An exact amount of time. "Give me a quiz, Google. I don't care what it's about, as long as it takes me exactly 15 minutes. No more, no less." I'm sorry you wasted precious minutes on my site. I hope I didn't inadvertently force you to subsequently search for "10 minute quiz."

I am a professional builder but my testicles are hang low - This is a serious problem, but I think I can help. I've had many professional builders at the house doing one home improvement project or another, and there's one thing they all have in common -- the low testicles. I think it's one of those issues that is called "referred or reflective" in nature -- like when your back hurts but it's really caused by your knees being out of whack because the arches in your feet are messed up. You fix the arch problem, the knees straighten out and the back stops hurting. In your case, it's basically the same kind of thing. The testicles are hang low, because the underwear are hang low because the pants are hang low, and as a result, your ass crack are showing. If you pull up the underwear and the pants and tighten the belt, the testicles will rise with the rest of the wardrobe, and be held in place very nicely by the crotch of the pants, which now rests between your thighs instead of between your knees. Problem solved.

hard old nipples - I need more information to help you. For instance, I don't know if you're looking for hard old nipples, or if you have them. If you have them, and are looking for relief, I suggest you invest in some of this, and lay off the wool nipple warmers. Those things are just bad for business. If you're looking for them, I'm 99% sure you found them. The internet is a wonderful and terrible thing.

cock yourself, eyeball - I'm really not sure about this one. At first I thought you were looking for the porn version of Jib-Jab's "Elf Yourself" but then the eyeball part didn't really make sense. Other possibilities just went downhill from there, so I'm going to opt out on making any further comment.

bare butt spanking bill engvall - No judgement here -- by all accounts, Bill is a fine looking man. However, I'm still not sure how you ended up on my blog since I don't have much in the way of spanking pictures. Or Bill Engvall pictures. Well, until now, that is. I can't wait to see what sort of searches show up next time around. That said, I'm always willing to got the extra mile, so let me see if I can help*:

OK, that's enough search engine fun for one post. I have to go look at something else for a while so I don't have nightmares about Bill tonight. Have a good weekend and try not to cock yourself, eyeball.

 *You all owe me, because I had to visit www.spankingarmyboys.com to get the base picture for this horribly obvious photoshop.   Incidentally, don't type "Bare butt spanking" and *anything else* into Google with safe search turned off unless you want to see some shit.


  1. Johnny! I'm here and you're here! I haven't been checking blogs for a couple months, because I've been a bit distracted... had a lovely medical event of my own, namely falling off a horse and busting my back. I'm going to fine - had surgery to stabilize the two compression fractures but it hasn't been much fun. At any rate, I am SO HAPPY to see this post and have laughed until my ribs hurt. Not my back, fortunately!

    I also re-read your epic post about the hospital visit, which I can relate a lot better to now having spent four days in hospital myself. No giant Russian enforcer types, but I did have a delightful - seriously, I loved her - nurse with a job-stopper neck tattoo and a mysterious woman who WAS THERE TO TAKE MY BLOOD and impaled me with a huge needle at 5:45 AM two days in a row. Why do they have to do that? Fortunately I had a private room and wasn't subjected to torture via Walker roommate or a moving bed. I did get the stomach shots (and had the bruises to prove it for a couple weeks) and also motorized inflatable thingies on my legs. They looked like the puffy pillows Amazon uses instead of packing peanuts, and they went up and down to keep my blood circulating and lower the risk of clots. Once I got used to them they were okay. You can tolerate a lot more shit when you're on IV Dilaudid, you know?

    Anyway, I'm awfully glad you're still writing - we'll take anything you care to post!

    1. Wow, I just saw this! Hope you are doing ok.

  2. I found your blog through a random blogspot search, glad I did, and thanks for a gool laugh! Greetings from Norway

  3. Good to see you back on the air. Been too long pal.

  4. I want you to know I will forever scarred by that image. Once seen it cannot be undone.

  5. I walked away from my phone for 2 freaking seconds and I get back to my 3yr old scrolling to he Bill Engvall pic. W. T. F. is happening?! 😮

    1. "That man was lying and telling people he was a comedian, honey. It's bad to lie, and he's being punished."

  6. Dammit, I was looking for pictures of Bill Engvall having his bare butt spanked and the link through me to your page. Which is kinda weird, as I'm Australian and have no idea who or what a Bill Engvall is.