Common Cents.

My wife buys fitness magazines for women sometimes, and the main articles always revolve around "5 simple secrets" or "one workout that will change your life" or "in only 10 minutes a day." Most of the time, the articles boil down to common sense.

In fact, I can sum up 90% of the contents of most women's magazines by simply saying if you want to lose weight and get in better shape, (1) eat less and exercise more, and (2) burn more calories than you consume. There, I've just saved you about $300 a year at the newsstands.

I recently saw this one lying on our coffee table, and it made me laugh.

Two days? Without reading this article, I immediately passed judgement on it. I did it because I know there is only one way to get a better body in two days.

I've outlined the things you'll need:

Day 1:
1. A tranquilizer gun or stun gun
2. Gag and handcuffs
3. Soundproof van
4. Map to Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba or other hot celebrity of your choice.

Day 2:
1. Time machine
2. Hacksaw


Also, I saw a picture of Elliott Yamin yesterday:

Is it just me, or does anyone else think he looks like he might have the body of a goat?


  1. One of the guys at the firehouse left his 'Maxim' on the table in the lunchroom last night. It had the crisp, flat appearance of a recently received magazine, which is why I felt comfortable doing a curiosity flip without latex gloves on.
    I wasn't going to mock it until I came to the picture of a girl in a red bikini, a red fur 'Russian' hat, and 8 inch heels perched on top of a Cub Cadet snowblower.
    Twenty minutes later it was filled with snarky comments written on post-it notes. That magazine seems to have five subject categories

    1. Cars (Photographed with boobies!)
    2. Sports (Some of them are cheerleaders! More boobies!)
    3. Blowing stuff up (Camouflaged bikini boobies!)
    4. Boobies (Ars gratia artis)
    5. How to have mindblowing sex with a woman who likely looks nothing like the woman pictured. (But she probably has boobies! So yaay!)

    I think I'll stick to blog reading.

  2. Better body in two days. Sounds like you would need a REALLY good surgeon. Wait...Do you know a good surgeon? That would take beer as payment?

  3. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa...!!!!!!!!

  4. Hate to tell ya this JV but the reason I don't waste any coin on mens fitness mags is pretty much the same deal...quick fixes that can't possibly work.
    News flash guys...cut down on the pizza and suds, waddle up off the couch occasionally and it'll all be good. Just send me your $6.00 cover price please and save the subscription cost for later.
    Speaking of covers, that guy on the glossy has a personal trainer and works out in gyms for a living. Oh yeah, his ripped abs are airbrushed anyway so even if he had an off week, his agent got him the shoot with PhotoShop. And no...He didn't get the hottie on his arm from a 5-day workout program and she doesn't even know his name.
    Reality sucks but for a few clams, you can buy a dream.

  5. SM, oh yeah, maxim is the worst!

    Wayward, you got that right. The only thing I've actually paid money for that worked was body for life and the P90X workout. Both basically revolve around "eat right and work out like crazy" -- it's really a fool-proof method.

  6. Anonymous6:58 PM

    Awesome.. Thanks Johnny... now I can sling my oly bar and weights in the garage, let them collect dust and look smokn' in 2 dayz.. yeah, when hell freezes.. like you said, hard work, eat properly is fool-proof..

  7. I have tried a lot of things to look great. None of them works in 2 days, and none of them tops diet and exercise, as you said. (However, those colon cleansing things, body wraps to get rid of all the water weight, and a finger down your throat can work in a pinch).

    SM made me crack up, though. It's funny how if it has boobs, guys don't notice much else. In fact, if you're a little bigger, it makes your boobs bigger, so...bonus!

  8. You expect us to believe that you're reading your wife's women's fitness magazines purely for the articles?

    yeah, right.

  9. I read shieldmaiden's comment. Is she saying that there's something wrong with that magazine?

  10. Not a-tall. I just found it a little 'one note'. (Or, TWO note, depending on how you look at it.)

  11. NCJack2:59 PM

    At least those women's fitness mags show women with some muscle and shape, not the little spaghetti arms and non-legs in the "fashion" stuff. Custom boobs, sure, but not the outrageous types. If they get young girls into the gym rather than the "diet doctor" office, more power to 'em

  12. I like the recipes, I don't have much use for any of the rest. Well, sometimes the recc's on running shoes etc.

    Cooking Light is one of my favorites though.

  13. Didn't I see him in the 1st Narnia movie....


  14. johnny v, long time no blog! do you have me in your reader or something? i'm honored.

    anyhoo, i know the secret to a better body in 1 minute. the victoria's secret miracle bra and control top pantyhose. ta da!

  15. I will agree. I wouldn't have had to open that magazine to pass judgement.

  16. I just happened upon this blog because I am a blog stalker and I am giving you the award for one of the best laughs for today. I took a 2nd gander at Elliott and lo & behold it was Narnia, hahahaha.