Sometimes I get mail.

At least a few times a week, I get mail from people or companies looking for free advertising. They always pitch it as "Hey, I've got a funny idea for a blog post!" or "Here's a funny site!"

Just to show you the sort of high class companies that my blog attracts, I am going to share one of these e-mails with you.

To: me@verizon.net
Subject: funny idea for your blog!

Hey Johnny,

We have been enjoying your blog and thought you might be interested in our hilarious new product: the assbrella. It is the world's only umbrella featuring a huge picture of an ass! Check out our site at assbrellas.com for some pics and more info. Feel free to pass it along to your readers!


The Assbrellas Team

Problems I have with this e-mail in no particular order:

1. It's an ass. On an umbrella. And the top of the handle pokes out of the bunghole.
2. Asses look pretty damn creepy when there is nothing else attached to them.
3. They are lying their giant umbrella asses off when they say they've "been enjoying my blog."
4. They wouldn't give me one for free.
5. They have a team. Dedicated to the assbrella.

Picture this conversation:

Dad: "So, you want to marry my daughter? That's great, that's great. What business did you say you are in?"

ABGuy: "I'm a member of the Assbrellas team."

Dad: "Sounds impressive. I think I've heard of him. He's that Italian formula one race car driver, right? Antonio Aiezbrellas?

ABGuy: "No. I am a member of a sales team that sells cheap chinese umbrellas. With pictures of hairy asses on them. You know. Assbrellas."

Dad: "Get the fuck out of my house."

So there you go. Order yours today.


  1. Upstate Broad9:02 PM

    But think about all the people you know who have their heads up their asses. Wouldn't it be an incredibly appropriate gift?

  2. Umm...that just makes me scratch my head in complete WTFness.

    It also makes me curious as to what other kind of emails you get.

    Never a dull moment, huh?

  3. Cripes and stupid me clicked on the link....I need to bleach my eyes now!

  4. I once got "I'll give you a pearl necklace if you blog about it".

    Uh, no.

  5. SOLD! I'll take four.

  6. I don't want n assbrella, but I do want a t-shirt stating "Assbrella Team Member".

  7. OMFG and I still haven't clicked on the link

  8. Mike J11:23 PM

    You posted the link. I think that means they accomplished their mission.

  9. Oh please let them advertise or whatever on your blog. The idea is genius.

    Unless, of course, they're serious. In which case, wouldn't a vaginabrella make just as much sense?

  10. Such a klassy product! Ironically, the people who distribute it also sell very high-end, high-quality, super-expensive photo albums and stationery, www.kolo.com. I wonder how they got into the cheap assbrella business?

  11. My neighbors and I are putting together a bulk order to save on shipping.

  12. Anonymous12:39 AM

    My favorite e-mail subject line was: "Your new penis will surprise you". As a female and the only one on this computer e-mail address - I thought "now that is a really true statement if I ever read one." Didn't order the pills, because - well ya know - I never wanted one in the first place. What did we do for amusement before this dumb shit came our way? Love your site and I really do read it. lorraine

  13. I just ordered 10 of them... I am gonna gift these to my friends on their birthdays!

  14. UB, you are totally right.

    Persnick, you don't want to know.

    Ohtobe, if only they were scratch and sniff.

    Megan, that's really funny! The only jewelry I was offered was a ring. For my finger.

    Tricia, if you are serious, I think you just scored me an assbrella. Originally I asked them if they'd send me one, and they said no, only if they sold some from my site. But I don't rate compared to to Jay Leno.

    Shamus, do NOT tempt me.

    AH, do it. you know you want to.

    Mike J -- yes, you are totally correct. However, the email was actually from last december. I just had to run out of blog fodder first. They outlasted me!!

    Shine, they should make one like that but put the graphic on the inside.

    Robin, I don't know. I, too, would like to get into the cheap assbrella business.

    David, I think you should organize a neighborhood walk and talk pictures.

    Lorraine, are you an Assbrella Team Member? Can you hook Shamus up with a T-shirt?

    Bull, nice! Your friends will be so grateful you remembered.

  15. Just imagine all the traffic you're sending them for the sole reason of exploiting their foolishness.


  16. That is the most hideous thing I've ever seen.

    And actually, I was talking about your blog but since I clicked on the link those brellas are pretty bad, too.

  17. I've been looking for an assbrella for I-don't-know-how-long.

    You and your blog provide a valuable service. You're a giver. Don't ever change.

  18. I think I saw the Licky Lady from the airport with one the other day. She was wearing an Asbrella Team tee-shirt at the time.

  19. That's gonna be my new insult..."you're such an assbrella"!

  20. Anonymous12:07 PM

    Great! Now you've forced me to do a search on "assbrellas" at work. I just know I'm going to get fired. Where's the picture?

  21. Anonymous12:24 PM

    Okay, now I've looked at it. Is it just me, or does this look more like a scrotebrella to me.


  22. Where can I order my Vagina-rella?

  23. I agree! You've got to draw the damn line SOMEwhere! ;-)


  24. Scott A2:10 PM

    If you go to their site from Europe you find that video can only be viewed from within the US. What is on this video? Are they safeguarding this technology to prevent a worldwide assbrella arms race? Do they have video of a guy with an umbrella in his ass but he would only grant them US rights so he could do a lucrative deal with Sky TV? I am intrigued just short of the level required for me to figure out how to view it myself. I'll buy it when the DVD gets released for region 2.

  25. Dang. People in cubeland heard my laugh all across the office.

  26. Valgal4:27 PM

    Even Rihanna has an assbrella!


  27. The assbrella: cover your ass... with another ASS!

    It's so meta.

  28. My favorite thing is that on the site it says "Makes a great Valentine's Day gift!". Also it says it's good for baby showers and corporate giveaways. I'm going to a 1 year old's birthday party on Saturday. I hope they can overnight it!

  29. What they really need to do is some cross-promotion with Travelers Insurance. Wouldn't that dignified British gent with the red umbrella look that much better with this new ass-essory?

    I loved your scenario with the dad. Made me think of Lloyd Dobler in "Say Anything": "Kickboxing, sir... sport of the future."

  30. Now I know what to buy everyone next Christmas.

  31. Just wait until they come out with the ass-shaped Assbrella holder.....where you put the umbrella....well, you know.

  32. Diane5:23 PM

    You are, like, 8 different kinds of awesome.

  33. First timer here. Great blog, very funny.

    Takes an incredible sick mind to come up with the idea of putting an ass on an umbrella!

  34. BG, They still haven't sent me an assbrella, so it must not be that much.

    Heather, don't make me come over there.
    Brutalism, you're entirely welcome. Please don't kill me. Or, on the off chance you're talking architecture, please don't seal me in your concrete walls.

    Alli, let me know how that works out.

    Dave, yes! Like I said, weird without the rest of the body, right?

    Natasha, I'm working on the prototype as we speak.

    FA, are you insinuating that I have no shame? You are correct.

    Scott, you are clearly overthinking this.

    Melissa, don't get fired. On second thought, if it happens let me know. Nobody ever got fired because of me before.

    Valgal, that's not an assbrella. It's a gotbackbrella. They are much more expensive.

    Glen: Whoa. My hands are HUGE.

    Sarah! I've missed your comments. Welcome back.

    Steve, I love that movie.

    Hat, take pics.

    HA guy, that's very disturbing.

    Diane, thanks!

    Py, welcome. pull up a chair.

  35. Anonymous11:03 PM

    made me think of this hilarious video http://www.xhamster.com/movies/157069/99_words_for_boobs.html

  36. I haven't cried so hard from laughing in years .... thank you

  37. Anonymous11:38 PM

    Does anyone know why http://assbrellas.com/ is owned by a drug company? Because, seriously, visiting that site obviously means you're looking for information about Doxycycline.