Keanu Barada Nikto.

Ever since the Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure movies, Keanu Reeves has been cast in all sorts of "leading man" roles, and in every single one I found his acting to be wooden and uninspired. It always seemed like he was faking his emotions. His acting chops are right up there with those of Chuck Norris. For some reason though, I still liked him, or maybe just the movies he was in. The Matrix (1-7), The Replacements, The Devil's Advocate, Speed, Constantine, Point Break...I'll admit that I watched and enjoyed them all. (Especially Point Break. I freakin' love surfing movies.)

But when you're casting for a remake of a classic SciFi movie and the main character is an unemotional alien who has zero facial expression and speaks in a monotone, who ya gonna call?

Hell, yeah. Finally! It's Keanu's time to shine.

Am I alone here in smelling an Oscar?

On second thought, that smell is probably my disgusting cat who is sitting on the floor next to my chair right now. He suffers from a bad case of stankass, because he's too fat to clean himself properly.* Every time he leans over far enough to get his tongue within range of his butt, his gut flap covers everything up so he can't get to it. Yeah. Enjoy that visual. You're welcome.

To repay me, go here and click on the stars next to 15 Minute Lunch. Do it from every computer you have. Get your mom to vote. Your co-workers, anyone you can. Whatever you can do, do it for the Johnny and his yet-to-be book. The contest runs until midnight tonight, and if I don't win, then I''ll be bugging you to vote for me next week. Save yourself.

I'm up against a woman with hot flashes. I've heard about the mood swings. On the one hand, the last thing I want to do is piss her off, but on the other hand, I could pay off my roof.

It seems like I might actually have a shot, if the whole thing isn't BS. Thanks!

*His nickname is Orson.


  1. You're killin' it over there @ Smallaa!!! Nice work!

    We're always here for ya, bean!

  2. Do NOT make me laugh at the visual of your lardass cat at work, or they will know that I actually don't do shit here.

  3. watching Keanu Reeves act is like watching paint dry....yawn...I just don't understand why he keeps getting work!

  4. Wait. Hold on. Just a second.

    You're telling me that Keanu Reeves has played rolls where he wasn't Bill? Or...Ted? Which one was he again?

    I thought he had just been playing that guy since then. That wasn't the plan?!?

    Oh, and thanks for the cat visual. I threw up in my mouth a little.

  5. Julie, thanks. I think I'm still behind though.

    Cameron, if only my blog could be scratch and sniff.

    SSN, it's just like that, but only if the paint was drying, then cracking, and then falling down into your eyes.

    Mesh, just be glad I didn't post the other picture I took where he's doing his "road kill" pose.

  6. Don't let Teri from Cathouse Teri learn that you're bashing Keanu!

    She's a rabid fan.. Not only that, she's trying to convince everyone to go see that "Australia" movie..

    Why see the movie?

    Yes, we know it's an island country. Yes, it has aborigines. Yes, they talk funny. Enough said.

    Great post. I'm headed over there now to vote! That is, unless your cat lays in front of me so that I can't get there....

  7. Now you know hot flashes always trump cold lunch! ;)

    Regarding Keanu, I tend to have liked a number of his movies, too. I think perhaps the reason he is emotionally woody (oh, I love a good reason to use the word "woody") is because he is himself emotionally guarded and may very well be incapable of being demonstrative in the feelings department. (And for good reason, I say!)

    At any rate, yes! They do a good job of picking him to play those roles where he can unemotionally shine!

  8. Anonymous4:17 PM

    It's not because your cat is a lardass he won't clean his butt - it's because he's lazy! I have a cat who would fill both of those baskets and more, and he manages to "get down to business" so I don't have the pleasure of putting up with his stanky ass...

    Didn't Keanu shed a tear in The Lakehouse? Oh no, my mistake, that was a raindrop... (don't ask me why I watched this one - must of had something to do with the fact there was nothing else on...)

  9. And Jormengrund is right. I wrote a post saying that Keanu doesn't suck. I suppose that makes me a rabid fan. :)

  10. Anonymous7:23 PM

    Did my duty. Good luck on the book!

  11. You have my vote on all your posts , oddly though , when I left my cursor hovering over the stars it told me I had already " voted this post as bad " what's with that? It was on one of the less voted on posts so it shouldn't have much effect , but I'd like to decide for myself what I vote..chrisesake

  12. Did my duty and voted again, for all 3 of your posts that are up there. I even re-read the JC Penney post.
    Is it just me, or is the guy in the blue cowboy shirt actually a young Kurt Russell?

    And yeah, Keannu Reeves seems to fit all his roles really well, except Jonathan Harker in Bram Stoker's Dracula. The accent really didn't work. I think I've enjoyed every one of his films that I seen.

  13. Anonymous10:56 PM

    No one has mentioned my fav Keanu movie - Parenthood. Of course, his outstanding reprisal of Ted (Bill?) was overshadowed by so many other talented people.

    That cat is ridiculous! You need to win the prize just to feed that thing. On the other hand, when he dies he would make a fine (albeit stanky) rug.

  14. Anonymous12:01 AM

    I voted for all the posts that are yours...I think...they aren't real clear on the more technical aspects of the process (or maybe it's just late and I need to go to bed...) Good luck...you are WAY ahead!

  15. JV, you are a brave, brave man, dissing Chuck Norris publicly. Don't you know Chuck will put the monster hurt on you for this??

    Orson is soooo cute! I want to bury my face in his fuzzy tummy!

    I voted for you & you're way out in front .. good luck with the book!

  16. Gut flap. Ha. My friends call it an apron of fat. Also awesome.

  17. ill vote when i get home since im on a government computer and like anyting associated with government it moves so slow that it starts to go backwards.......... dude i love keanu i just watched mythbusters and they busted 2 out of 3 myths on Point Break, I was heart broken and excited all at the same time.

  18. Are you suggesting Keanu Reeves is actually your cat? Interesting...

    And now, I am calling upon you to help out VE in his time of need. Visit my Tue blog post for details. Ask the gnomes... (yeah, I know that was feakin' yesterday and I've already posted today...sue me...my blog roll is BIG)

  19. Anonymous4:03 PM

    I know, this is a late comment to this post, but I have finally found your blog and am now back-reading. I have been a fan of the 1977 JC Penny catalog post for a long time but couldn't find your blog for ages.

    Anyway, I have the same opinion of Lifeless Reeves. I always go see any movie he's in because I know it'll be cool. Doesn't matter what it is--it'll be good, not because he's in it, but because the director does a good job. I think maybe it's because everyone knows he's such a bad actor, so the whole cast and crew turn up the juice because they know they have to make up for his mediocracy.

    I also find that Keanu usually takes roles where he is thrown into a situation he knows nothing about (The Matrix) or that is totally beyond what his training/current knowledge is (Speed, Point Break), and he ends up being the one person who has to solve the problem.

    My favorte Keanu Reeves anti-performance: Much Ado About Nothing, especially his "I am a villian!" line.

    I was watching the making-of for Matrix II and Keanu was talking about all the training he did for the fight scenes. He was really excited about it and started acting out the moves while sitting in his chair. My husband said wow, he's more engaging in this interview than he ever is on camera. I thought perhaps another catchy phrase could be he's even more animated in this interview than he was in A Scanner Darkly.

  20. Anonymous4:07 PM

    P.S. I also have a lardass cat. His name is Blotchy, white with black spots and a big black triangle over his face. Some people say he looks like the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz (thought I'd clarify since Dark Knight recently came out on DVD). His nickname is Fatty. He gets butt plugs in lew of a smelly ass and seems to only be able to release them in the guest room shower. He also expels his anal glands on unsuspecting guests (specifically, my brother) who pick him up by the two ends (the way you'd pick up a briefcase if you didn't grab the handle). Not sure which is worse....